So over the weekend, I got a chance to check out an advance copy of the film Exit Strategy.
The movie, which has been written by Jameel Saleem, executive produced by Big Boy from KPWR Power 106 in Los Angeles and set to open this Friday in select theaters, is about a dude named James (also played by Saleem), who gets evicted from his apartment and moves in with his girlfriend, of only three months, Kim (Kimelia Weathers). Unsurprisingly – because when does co-habitation work after only three months of dating – things don’t quite work out. Well I should say that things weren’t working out for James as Kim seemed to be fine with their relationship.
Unlike Folu from yesterday’s post, James is not trying to wait around to discern whether or not he could fall in love with her. Nope, he made up his mind about this relationship after the second day of cohabitation. James does what any mature and rational person would do when faced with having to break someone’s heart: he, along with his friends, concoct several elaborate and very stupid schemes to make her break up with him -without jeopardizing his chances of sleeping on her couch. Because you know, then he would be homeless and James wants to put his interests first.
I won’t tell you much more about the plot because it’s not out yet. But I will say that the movie has a cameo by Kevin Hart in this hilarious sequence involving mannequin heads and some very bad advice about bacon. Don’t ask. However the whole plot of the film had me thinking about why it is so hard to break up with someone when the relationship is clearly not working. Why is it so hard to just tell the truth?
I know from experience; I once told a guy I had went on a few dates with that I couldn’t see him anymore because I was leaving in a few days to go teach English to little children in Africa. No, I’m serious. It was the best thing I could come up with at that very moment I decided that I couldn’t take us dating anymore. Unfortunately that moment of clarity happened for me when he “just so happened to be in the neighborhood and decided to stop by my house uninvited.” Annoying and stalkerish, right?
So I told him that I got this amazing opportunity suddenly and because of the distance, I thought it best we ended this situation immediately. I thought it would be enough for him to finally leave me alone. However, this guy, who obviously didn’t catch the hint, was impressed by my intentions of being a global citizen. He wanted to know where in Africa. Yikes. Not being the quickest liar on my feet, I blurted out the first great African nation I could think of: Zamunda. That’s right I told this guy that I was moving to the fictitious country from the Eddie Murphy flick, Coming to America. He thought I was playing and proceeded to laugh it off. But as I stood on my steps barring entrance across the threshold to my home, he finally wised up to what I was so haphazardly telling him. He whispered an impassionated and defeated, “okay Charing” before slumping off into the sunset.
Although I was embarrassed with myself for coming up with what could be classified as probably the worst exit strategy in modern history, I know deep down that I hurt his feelings by being indifferent. I could have kept it real and just told him that I just wasn’t feeling the situation however I decided to forgo my own self-respect – and his – by not telling him the truth. But don’t worry Karma is very real. And I got retribution handed to me several times by men who pulled their own exit strategies in the most convoluted ways. And the dude? Well he is married with children now, so no need to feel sorry for him.
Yet despite the prospects of losing all respect and being on the bad end of karma, people still lie all the time when ending a relationship. And if anyone says they don’t lie, well they are just liars. Of course, a lie comes with variations and degrees. Little white lies like telling your dumpee a blanket and vague “it’s not you, it’s me” can be just as bad as giving him/her some crazy story about moving away to help orphan children learn to read English. Not to mention all the other crazy stuff we do to avoid breaking up with someone in-person, including text messages, emails and passive aggressively changing Facebook statuses from “in a relationship” to “whoohoo, I’m single and ready to mingle.” And we try to rationalize it all by telling ourselves that we genuinely are concerned about not wanting to hurt the other person’s feelings. But like the old saying goes, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. And if you are not careful, your “good intention” could result in slashed car tires and broken windows.
The truth of the matter is that despite our desire to not want to hurt someone’s feelings, when it comes to breaking up, many of us are cowards at heart. Nobody wants to be made to feel like the bad guy. And we feel guilty because we accepted an invitation for romance and then reneged on that invitation for romance. So we put on our kid gloves, also known as the less ego damaging approach, and maneuver our way around the unpleasant task of a difficult conversation. We think we are being humane by giving folks the “it’s not you, it’s me” or the “I just need to concentrate on my career/children/rap album” lines or by offering “friendship” and “space,” while we work out our issues. But ultimately it just leaves the dumpee clinging to false hopes that once you get yourself together, you two could live happily ever after again. And that is when all the real drama starts.
A little older and hopefully wiser, I now realize that there is no need to construct an elaborate escape route from a relationship. And you damn sure don’t have to ship yourself off to some fictional location you heard about in the movie. In relationships, even when they are ending, the other old saying still reigns supreme: Honesty is the best policy. No matter what you say, if the dumpee has his or her feelings involved, it will hurt. But in the end, it is better for you and the dumpee if you deliver your message that you are “not just into” a person without sugar-coating the truth. That doesn’t mean you have to be brutal and harsh neither. As adults, we should have learned already how to tell someone that you don’t think this relationship is the right one for you without breaking their spirits or losing your respect.
Charing Ball is the author of the blog People, Places & Things.
