How To Take A Break In A Relationship And Come Back Stronger
Can Taking A Break Actually Strengthen Your Rocky Relationship?
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So you and your partner have decided to take a break. If you’ve told friends and family about this, then you’ve likely already faced some eye rolls and doubtful looks. People can be suspicious of breaks – they’re often viewed as just a stopover on the way to a permanent breakup. And for some couples that is true. However, know that if you have decided to take a break, you’re not a rare case. Research reported in the Journal of Marital Family Therapy shows that somewhere between six to 18 percent of married couples have separated at some point in their marriage. And they’re still together.
You might not be married, but this data shows that stepping back from a committed relationship doesn’t always have to end in, well, the end. If you are taking a break and truly have hope that it will benefit your relationship, then you need to be conscious of how you spend this break. Just taking a break because you can’t stand all the fighting, need space, and want to escape for a while…might not result in a better relationship. In order for a break to be productive, you can’t take a passive approach to it. You’re taking a break from each other, but you’re not taking a break from putting in the work of improving your relationship. Here is what to know about how to take a break in a relationship and come back stronger.
Arrive At It Calmly And Discuss Its Purpose
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Yelling “I’m done with this!” then slamming a door, driving off into the night with a suitcase and no plan does not constitute the beginning of a successful break. A break is not just time to blow off steam during a large fight. In order for a break to be successful, you need to sit down at a time when you are both calm and one, agree to take a break and two, discuss its purpose.
Naturally, you won’t figure out all that needs to be fixed and how in this conversation. If you could do that with one conversation, then you wouldn’t need a break in the first place. See this conversation as making a game plan for what issues will be analyzed and worked on during the break. You can look at being in a relationship like being on the field of sports team in the game. And you can see a break as the time you hit the bench and meet with your coach to strategize what you’ll do once you get back on the field. But ultimately, you’ll both need to agree that there is a need for a break.
Attend Therapy Together And Apart
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Even if you agree not to live together or see each other during the break, you can (and should) make an exception for therapy. A professional relationship counselor can help provide structure around your break and act as a mediator, making sure conversations remain productive. A relationship therapist is an outside, non-biased party who can identify where the communication is breaking down, and suggest sustainable, healthy ways to fix that.
You might also consider both attending therapy on your own, as well as together. If you or your partner feel that any unresolved, personal matters are triggering you or at the crux of your conflict, seeing a therapist one-on-one is an important part of the break.
Stick To The Timeline
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If you agree that the break will last for two months, don’t give up two weeks in because you miss each other and end the break. You have decided to take a break because you recognize you cannot fully enjoy this relationship as it is, or it is failing to be a positive, healthy and supportive structure in your life. Quitting on the break early will just throw you back into the same old dynamic. Sticking to the timeline and really putting in the work can be difficult, but it can also mean a lifetime of happiness. A short break is worth that, right?
Set Clear Parameters
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You will need clear parameters of what this break means. Can you date other people? Sleep with other people? Unless you typically engage in an open relationship or are polyamorous, it’s best to remain monogamous during the break. Seeing other people will only add jealousy and insecurities to the pile of problems you’re already addressing during the break.
Some other parameters might be: are you speaking on the phone? Texting? How often? You’re laying down these laws so you both know what to expect, and don’t read into whatever level of communication is or is not happening.
Come Back Together With A Mission Statement
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Before deciding to come back together, create a mission statement for your relationship. If you’ve been seeing a therapist, they can help you create this. This is a thorough and clear statement on things like, how you’ll handle conflict, how you’ll react when you feel triggered, what behaviors are no longer allowed in the relationship and similar directives.
One mistake too many couples make is thinking all they need to do is take time apart, but not be intentional about how they spend that time. That puts you at risk of going back to the same relationship you took a break from. If a break is going to work, then it’s going to feel like work.
