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Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth,” has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at


Dear Ashley,

I’m running myself crazy.  I found my boyfriend of eight years on Grindr.  I know he slept with a man and we never really talked about it. A few weeks ago he started acting a bit differently. He has turned down blowjobs and sex due to him being tired from work–he works night. Well, I looked in his car and found panties, stockings and a Summer’s Eve douche. The douche leads me to think he had anal sex with a man. I’m not ok with any of it, but I love him and want to work through it. I hope he isn’t with anyone while with me. What do I do. He said we will talk about what I found, but he’s embarrassed and wants to wait until he’s ready. I’m afraid I’ll go crazy by then.


Dear Ms. Going Crazy,

Ummm, Grindr, panties, stockings and a douche, ma’am all the signs are there. Your boyfriend might be a bottom. I don’t really understand what more there is to talk with him about. You say you’re not okay with it, but if this were true why not leave when you found out the first time. And he’s probably not wanting to have sex with your because he his getting his needs met elsewhere. TS Madison once said that women can’t compete with another man. Meaning, I’m willing to bet that another man is giving him the best head of his life, therefore there’s no need to get any from you. Also, he’s probably embarrassed because he is not sure how you will respond to his secret life. Ultimately, you have to ask yourself some hard questions before moving forward. One, does it matter more that he enjoys sex with other men or that he may be cheating?  If you are willing to make this work, it’s a strong possibility that he will never stop engaging in sexual activity with other men. This is something you need to understand moving forward.  But if you really want to make it work, it can work. Cheating is wrong but is not always a deal breaker. Him being bisexual doesn’t have to be a deal breaker either if you’re ok with it. Before you have the conversation with him, you need to be sure of your feelings around it first.

Ashley Cobb is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Gossip And Gasms, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley

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