Dear Ashley, a weekly sex column in which Sex Expert Ashley Cobb answers your most intimate questions. Nothing is off-limits! Have a sex question, Ashley, “Your Favorite Friend In Filth”, has an answer. For questions on sex, email Ashley at email@example.com
I have known this handsome Black man for a few years, nothing more than surface conversation like sharing hobbies, stories about kids, or day-to-day activities. About a month ago, he decided to increase our interaction and asked me out for a drink. We chatted about it briefly, but our schedules were complete opposite, so an opportunity for a drink was going to be, strategic. Girl, when I tell you this man is fine, I mean chiseled from head to toe and everything is as it should be as if he were carved by Jesus himself. We were finally able to meet up and I felt that we had a good time. Neither of us was looking to commit to one another but there was no denying the physical attraction. We discussed some intimate details about likes and dislikes. That night was great, just conversation. As we continued to talk over the next couple of weeks there was shameless flirting and finally, we decided we were going to have sex. He came over to my house, we each had a glass of wine and enjoyed each other’s company. Then it was time. We go into my bedroom and begin to kiss all over each other and clothes are coming off and of course, I’m excited because he’s just so beautiful, everywhere. I begin to give him oral pleasure and he starts yelling praises, it seemed a bit “Hollywood” for me but maybe that was just how he was.
He was punching my headboard, being a vocal cheerleader, patting me on the back and I was like hey man listen, you’re doing a bit much for me right now. I’m really glad you’re enjoying yourself but you’re kind of killing my vibe, can you maybe tone it down a little? He says “I’m sorry man but I been wanting a snow bunny like you for a while and who knew, my hidden gem, I’m never giving this up.” I said to myself, OK, I will let that slide for right now but this is a lot. We continue and he continues, there were moments I couldn’t help but laugh because of his behavior and it was just time to move on to another activity. Then he puts on a condom and we are kissing, hands all over each other, shit was hot!
He slides in, I immediately get goosebumps all over, it felt so good. I thought oh yes, this is everything right now. After a few minutes, he starts talking again. And asking the usual stuff “how you like that?”, “is this what you wanted?”, “Does that feel good?” My dumb ass of course responds “yes” in the form of a whimper. And then, he immediately switched gears on me and hit me with the “you like that n-word dick white bitch?”
I said ‘wait what?!’ And I don’t answer hoping he can check the cue of what I’m not going to participate in and he didn’t. He actually continued down that same path repeating similar things. I stopped him and said listen man, I don’t know what you’re into but my father doesn’t own a farm and I’m not doing this to piss him off. Why would you say something like that, then he says then you say it, tell me you like that big n-word dick. I told him there was something seriously wrong with him. Why would you think I would say something like that? What the hell is wrong with you? I asked him to please get dressed and leave. He apologized and said that he just wanted a white woman that would allow him to be himself. I talked to a couple of friends who say he has been desensitized by porn or whomever he spends his free time with and apparently used me for some fetish he has. I wouldn’t have thought anything else about it if this hadn’t ever happened before. Is this a new thing? Please help!
Hot girl bummer
Dear Hot Girl Bummer,
Wait. What? He wanted you to call him a who? Ummm, I can see how you would have been taken aback by this because I would have been too. I agree with your friends; he has a race fetishism. People fetishize race across all kinds of sex, dating, and kink activities. “Race play” is a type of kink, similar to “age play” and other role-play fantasies. However, as a Black woman, the fact that he wants you to call him the “N-Word” is very alarming for me. I’m 100% of the opinion that anyone not black should never use the word under any circumstances. But this isn’t about me, and since he is clearly okay with you using it, the two of you can have an adult conversation about boundaries and expectations of how and when the word should be used. Most importantly, if you don’t feel comfortable using the word, don’t use the word.
Oddly enough, race play isn’t new and has been around for some time. If you are interested in learning more about it, check out websites like fetlife.com. You can search the term “race play,” and several groups will be listed. Don’t ask me how I know this; just know I know, lol. It is mind-boggling to me that any Black person would submit willingly to this lifestyle, but I’m not here to judge, well kinda, sorta, maybe a little judgment, but again this isn’t about me. There are even places known as “Plantation Retreats” where people engage in mock slave auctions and group sex. So I said all of this to say, no, this isn’t new, you just stumbled across a real freaky slave fetish type n-word, that wants you to use the n-word during sex to help him orgasm. These are strange times that we are living in, and even stranger things are happening in the world of sex. If something doesn’t tickle your fancy, it’s ok to say no. No, is a complete sentence. Tell him to go play plantation penis with someone else.
Ashley Cobb, is the millennial microphone that brings the conversation of Black women’s pleasure to the forefront. Creator of digital platform Sex With Ashley, her work and words have been featured in Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Shape Magazine, Business Insider, and Huffington Post. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter via @sexwithashley