Source: Anna Frank / Getty
There are some behaviors you hope your teen learns early, like respecting their elders and having a good work ethic. There are also some things you hope they never experience, like violence from a romantic partner. Unfortunately, reports show that one in every five female high school students and one in every 11 male high school students experience violence in their dating lives. Those are figures that could make your stomach drop. There is no age when intimate partner violence is acceptable, but something really makes you nauseous thinking of innocent adolescents experiencing it. They may not have the coping mechanisms or communication skills to speak out about it, or even the knowledge to know that it’s wrong.
Sheryl Hatwood, author of The Restored Soul, knows firsthand about being a teenage domestic abuse survivor. She also knows about parenting a teenager who unfortunately found herself in a similar situation, so she can speak to not only surviving and even thriving after that trauma, but also helping a child out of it. Speaking to adults who you believe are in abusive relationships is incredibly sensitive; it’s even more complex when speaking to teenagers, who are in a rebellious state of mind and specifically don’t always want to hear out authority figures. Parents may never think they’d have to worry that their teen would be in an abusive relationship. Hopefully, yours never will. But no good comes from ignoring the signs, and avoiding the conversation. Because February is National Teen Abuse Prevention Month, we spoke with Hatwood about identifying the signs your teen is in an abusive relationship and how to address it.
Some surface signs
Hatwood says that some signs that the person your teenager is dating is abusive include, for example, a desire to speak on her behalf, and an unwillingness to allow her to make her own decisions. She says there will be controlling and possessive tendencies there that, unfortunately, teenagers can misinterpret as real love. They may first feel that possessiveness is just attention that they like. If you become aware of your teen’s partner infringing on their privacy in some way, such as going through their phone, or demanding to have passwords, that’s an early sign of possessiveness that can become abusive. All of these behaviors, says Hatwood, stem from the abusive partner’s deep insecurities.
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Keeping your teen away
Isolation and manipulation are other things that will come up when your teen is in an abusive relationship. Hatwood says your teen might leave conversations or family events abruptly, stating their partner needs them “Right away.” It’s clear that the partner is needy, and demands attention on his timeline. In general, the possessive partner will try to isolate your teen from friends and family. Hatwood says it’s their way of taking any insecurities they’re feeling, and, rather than addressing those in a healthy way, putting them onto their partner. Possessive individuals often are deeply insecure, live with a lot of fear, and wind up finding ways to make their partners feel the same way as a means of controlling them.
