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I hate it when people aren’t just upfront about what they want. So many people love to live in a grey area of not quite stating what they’re after, for many reasons. Sometimes, they just don’t want to say what they want, for fear of not getting it, and feeling hurt. Sometimes, they don’t say what they want because they only partially want it, and want the option to not fully commit. Sometimes, they even just get off on having this vague flirtation going on that they know makes the other person uncomfortable, or puts them in a tough spot.
I’ve had so many male friends—or should I say “friends”—who behaved the way I just described. When all is said and done, I truly only have a few real friends who are guys. It’s totally platonic, no hidden agendas, no secret wishes for something more, no inappropriate advances or testing the waters to see what else could be there. I have just a few male friends who actually even draw the lines, themselves, to make it clear that we’re just friends, and that the friendship is special—as it is.
As for the other dudes who have tried to be my friends, so many have just danced along that line of obviously trying to see if there could be something more, but never quite saying that that’s what they wanted. It was so annoying because, since they wouldn’t outwardly come onto me, I never felt I had an opening to say, “You know we’re just friends, right?” And I think they knew that was the case. That’s why they never quite crossed the line, but stayed right by it. They always had the excuse that they hadn’t technically hit on me. Here are annoying ways male “friends” cross the line.
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Texting you late at night
You’re in a relationship, and your male buddy knows it, but for some reason, you roll over at 1am—while your partner is sleeping next to you—to find a text from that “friend.” It says something like, “Hey, are you awake?” or “Hey, I can’t sleep. Wanna chat?” It just feels dirty. He knows you’re sleeping next to your man right now, and that this is not a good look.
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Asking you to keep secrets from your man
I hated it when guys would do this: they’d tell me something they were thinking or feeling, or they’d call me to chat, and then say, “Don’t tell your man we talked about this.” Um…don’t put me in a position where I’m keeping secrets from my partner. This is a thing male “friends” will do to create an environment of dishonesty that’s ripe for an emotional affair.
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Asking you to keep secrets from his partner
Sometimes, these male “buddies” would be in relationships themselves. But then they’d confide things in me—maybe about their partners—and then say, “Don’t tell her we talked.” Or, we’d hang out, and they’d say, “Don’t tell my girlfriend we hung out.” Again, they were trapping me into what felt like some sort of emotional affair that I didn’t ask to have.
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Asking you to come over
Because they’re lonely. They’re sad. They need company. But, again, you have a boyfriend. You aren’t going to leave your boyfriend’s place to keep your male friend company. Male friends who really just want to be friends understand that that’s a weird and inappropriate ask.
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Never inviting your man
So this male “friend” claims that he totally respects that you have a boyfriend and that he likes the guy, but he never invites him along. He invites you, alone, to parties, or to the movies, or to help him pick out clothes, or to have dinner. I understand you can have a one-on-one friendship with a guy but, if you have a boyfriend, your friend should invite him along sometimes.
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Joking that you’d be good together
Those little jokes about how you’re surrogate boyfriend and girlfriend, how you’d actually be perfect together, or how you almost were more than friends but are now just friends. Huh? You didn’t agree to any of that. But he says it all with a joking tone, so you’d feel like a b*tch if you said, “Um, that’s not true.”
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Wanting to cuddle
You don’t need to be cuddling with your male friends. If you’re in a relationship, you definitely shouldn’t do that, and your male friend definitely shouldn’t ask for that. And if you are single, think about what happens when you start dating a dude: are you going to explain to him that you cuddle with your male buddy? Oh, sure. That’ll go over well.
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Wanting to share a hotel room
A hotel room, or even a bed. Your male friend always insists this is the way to go. You say you’re perfectly fine spending the extra money to get your own room. Or, you two should stay at the cheaper place, so you can afford your own rooms. Typically, a male friend who really wants to keep things platonic would never suggest sharing a hotel room.
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Giving you illicit sex advice
It’s so illicit and graphic that it feels inappropriate. You feel like he’s somehow getting off on this—giving you detailed tips on how to give a great blow job or things men like in bed. You don’t need to be talking to your male “friend” about those things. And you don’t need to tell him about your sex life, in detail, if you don’t want to. If he pushes for details, something is off.
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Icing out other dudes
Maybe you’re single, but you’re trying to date. And when you’re out with your male buddy, men try to talk to you. But your “friend” ices them out. He roasts them. He’s rude to them. He makes them feel so uncomfortable talking to you—he makes them feel like maybe he’s your man, so they should…leave?
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Joking you’re saving yourselves for each other
“If we are still single at 50 we’ll get married,” or “We’re just dating other people until we realize we’re perfect for each other.” He’ll say these things, jokingly, to people who ask what your situation is. Other people are present, so you don’t want to ruin the party by interrupting and saying, “None of that is true.” But…it isn’t.
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Comparing other women to you
Every woman he dates, he compares to you. He’ll tell you what she did wrong, and how you handle those situations better. He’ll tell you about her flaws, and how you’re so much more superior in those areas. It’s a little weird. Why can’t he just tell you about his dates, without bringing you into the picture?
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Comparing other men to himself
When he gives his opinion of the men you’re dating, he compares them to himself. He’ll bring up something he didn’t like that your dude did, and then he’ll remind you of a time that he was in a similar situation, and handled it better. Again, why does this comparison have to occur? It’s just the type of dumb thing someone does when he’s jealous.
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“You can change in front of me, it’s fine”
Uh, no, it’s not fine. It’s not fine if you say it isn’t fine. If you are clearly trying to go into another room and shut the door to change, it’s because you want to. It’s not because you thought he’d be offended. He shouldn’t be telling you that you can change in front of him.
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Tons of innuendos
He’s always sending you messages with innuendos. Maybe memes or GIPHs. He isn’t saying explicitly sexual things to you, but he loves to send an innuendo when he can. Again, any male friend who actually wants to keep things platonic makes a point not to send such messages to a female friend.
