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There may come a time when your partner suggests that you two share your love of X-rated content together. I know a lot of couples who do this regularly. But it is certainly not for everyone. Let’s be honest, you probably have a few genres that you wouldn’t want anyone to know that you watch. Maybe they aren’t even offensive or that hard-core. But, that is not always the issue with that type of content. The porn you watch says a lot about you. It demonstrates some of your more base desires, and is an insight into parts of your psyche that perhaps other people don’t often see, including your partner. Even if you and your partner are very close, there might be some parts of you that he doesn’t know about. You might even think, “I am not sure what my porn says about me. But I would hate for someone else to figure it out before I did.”
On the flipside, watching porn with your partner can be fun, sexy, and bring out your adventurous side. There is a reason a lot of couples make it a regular part of their rotation of sexual activities. It gives you a peek into one another’s most secret desires and a chance to help each other live them out in real life. If that’s something you’re ready and willing to do, watching some naughty videos together could be just the right inspiration. So, should you watch porn with your partner?
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How open are you about your past?
Some couples are very open about their past, and the fact that they had other partners before this person came along. Then there are some couples who prefer not to talk about that. It’s not like they are naïve to the fact that their partner slept with other people before them, but they just think it is unnatural to think about someone they love so deeply being intimate with somebody else.
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You have to be open
You may think that talking about your partners ex lovers and watching porn together have nothing to do with each other. But that is not true. If you are not comfortable thinking about your partner being with someone else, you will not be comfortable watching porn with him. It immediately introduces the notion of his desires to be with others. Even if he does not act on those desires.
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If you have always been honest, it should be fine
If you and your partner are very progressive, and very communicative, and have even gone as far as to tell each other details about your sexual past with other partners, then you can handle watching porn together. The idea of your partner with someone else doesn’t completely destroy your bond. You understand that it is just an idea, and not something that is actually happening.
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You might learn about him
Keep in mind that you aren’t necessarily just watching whatever you want to watch. Your partner might suggest some genres. And, you might learn a lot about him based on what he likes to watch. You may not like what you learn. He might like genres that you find degrading to women, violent, or very offensive. Or they may just be strange and hard to relate to.
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Can you compartmentalize?
So, the question is, can you separate your partner from his porn? Well, the answer will lie in whether or not you can generally separate your sex lives from your regular lives. There may be other kinky things you’re into in bed, like choking, but maybe you don’t act on those because you feel they are not in line with your overall identity outside of the bedroom.
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Maybe that separation is normal
You and your partner may be very comfortable with the fact that who you are in bed is not who you are in life, and you have always felt free to make requests to try new things without fear of judgment. You understand that your sexual personas can stay in the bedroom, so you’re open to whatever those personas may be.
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If you can’t compartmentalize, don’t do it
I am often surprised to find out that watching porn together is the first adventurous thing a couple tries together in bed. They try that before any actual physical activities that are rather fringe. My concern, is this: why have they not tried anything else edgy before this?
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Don’t start with porn
My inclination is that couples who watch porn before actually doing other edgier things in bed do so because they feel insecure showing different sides of themselves in the bedroom, and if that is true, porn is not the way to go. That is like jumping from level one to level 10 of getting an insight into your partner’s stranger desires. You need to work up to that.
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You can’t unlearn what you learn
Once you know what your partner likes to watch, there is no going back. Keep that in mind. You have seen it now. Every time you leave him home alone, you know there is a chance he is watching that content. You should be at a place where whatever that content maybe, you will be OK with it. Because once you see it there is no going back.
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What is the plan?
You should also have some vague understanding of why you are watching this. Is the idea that you are going to try whatever is on the screen? Are you going to pleasure yourself side-by-side? Are you just watching now, not doing anything physical, and taking some inspiration for next time you have sex?
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Trust me. Discuss it.
It may seem silly that you even need to discuss this, but several of my girlfriends have gotten into this thinking that they and their partners would reenact what was on the screen, only to find their partners just started, well, taking things into their own hands. Pun intended and honestly, that is not a sight everyone wants to see. Or, it is exactly what some people are into. But people tend to fall on either one side or the other of that preference.
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Choose your category carefully.
Unless you are a couple who is open to threesomes, polyamory, and nontraditional arrangements, you need to choose your category carefully. You don’t want to choose a category that makes it very clear that you sexually fantasize about any person or group of people who closely resembles someone in your life, who is not your partner. That can introduce insecurity into the relationship even for strong couples.
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Go with the more obscure category
It’s best to choose a category that is a little more obscure, and depicts people or situations that you and your partner do not encounter on a regular basis. That keeps the fantasy within the fantasy realm. If you are into porn about coworkers doing it in the copy room of a law firm, and you work at a law firm, you can see how this could leave your partner feeling a little insecure.
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Be honest with yourselves
Not every couple is built to do this together. But, I know there can be pressure to satisfy your partner when he asks for something like this. Or you may want to prove to yourself that you are more adventurous. But if you suspect it will only introduce insecurity, judgment, and possibly jealousy into the relationship, it is OK to admit that to yourself and to your partner.
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Start small
If you really want to get into this activity together, a great starter method is first making a sex tape and watching that together. I know it may sound odd but it gets you comfortable with watching what is essentially porn, before introducing the element of preferred genres and things like that.
