by Alexander Cain
How To Win Friends and Influence People is considered the father of all people-skills books and is a classic in the self-help genre. Despite being written more than over 50 years ago, the lessons imparted in the book are still relevant today. Whether you are looking to leave a great impression at a networking event or looking to leave people with a better impression, How to Win Friends and Influence People has lessons that will help to make you the life of the party, the person who just seems to know everyone, or being better at getting people to work in the way you envision.
The book is broken down into three parts with underlying principals to practice everyday until it becomes a habit. Keep in mind that self-improvement is a lifelong process and with these principals in mind, one can become an effective leader or communicator.
Part 1 lists six simple ways to get people to like you. While these principals derive from common sense, they are definitely something to keep in mind next time you are engaged in a conversation with someone new.
1) Become genuinely interested in other people. This seems very easy, but people can sometimes struggle in paying attention to the other person when engaged in the conversation. For example, during an interview, have you ever been so focused on preparing your next question that you completely blank out during the current conversation? The key is being genuinely interested and really getting to know someone.
2) Smile ☺- A smile is always welcoming and it not only affects the mood of everyone around you, but you will see your attitude will change.
3) Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. Always try to remember people’s name even if you need to carry a small notebook and write down their names when you are by yourself. You can also use word association to help you remember names.
4) Be a good listener- listening involves as much physical effort as mental. Your body language reflections your attention level, i.e putting away the cell phone when talking to someone, leaning towards the person, looking into someone’s eyes. Encourage the other person to talk about himself or herself, because people always have a lot to talk about when they are talking about themselves.
5) Engage someone else’s interests. This lesson could apply when you are trying to convince others to do work. To engage someone in conversation, it’s best to talk about their interests rather than your own. This could require research if you know ahead of time the audience you are going to be with.
6) Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely- everyone wants a feeling that they are important in their little world. Being vocal with your compliments could do this or really recognizing a person’s strengths can make them feel like they matter.
After being engaged and sincerely interested in the other person, the author provides insight on 12 ways to help win people over.
1) The best way to win an argument is to avoid having an argument. Even if you feel as though you can win an argument, just imagine how the other person feels when they feel wrong. The best way is trying to convince a person of your viewpoint in a more relaxed setting.
2) Show respect for the other person’s opinion- this might be a tough pill to swallow, but people are more willing to listen once you are able to display a grasp and appreciate their viewpoint. This could simply be starting a conversation, “ I see how your viewpoint can be right in these ways….”
3) If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically- we are all human, we will make mistakes and continue to learn from them. By comfortably admitting your mistakes at times, you seem more relatable to other people who can always relate to not always making the best decisions.
4) Begin disagreements in a friendly way, try to find any common ground- this is always the best way to start negotiations or disagreements because once you establish any commonalities between perspectives one can realize that the differences aren’t much in reality.
5) Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes” immediately- when you are trying to convince you want to have them in the practice of saying yes early. If you can tweak your conversations that have the person in agreement early they will be more receptive later on in the conversation.
6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking- It helps you get an idea of how to deliver your message in order to make it relevant to the other person.
7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers- if you are trying to suggest an idea to someone, try to engage him in a way that leads him to think he came up with the idea himself. Asking others for suggestions for solving common problems is a good way of establishing accountability.
8) Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view- being able to convince others means being able to recognize people’s logic and expressing an idea through their same perspective. Try to listen to another’s perspective and keep in mind their environment and any other external factors to help better understand the situation at hand.
9) Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
10) Appeal to the nobler motives- people act for two reasons: their personal reasons and a larger, more noble motive. Whether it’s helping out the community or family, it is desirable to attach oneself to causes.
11) Dramatize your ideas- Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.
12) Throw Down a Challenge- People are naturally competitive so use it to your advantage. Challenge others to meet their personal goals or exceed their previous bests.
Part Three is probably the most important for people who are tough to deal with on a daily basis. It’s all about trying to change people without arousing anger.
Principle 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation. People tend to tune out criticism if that’s the first thing they hear because we naturally get on the defensive if our work or anything is put into question.
Principle 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. Make a mistake well known and don’t assign the attention to an individual, but rather have it out in the open where people can pull up the cues
Principle 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. By sharing your personal testimony, you stand as a personal example that every mistake is recoverable if used as a learning experience
Principle 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. This logic falls in line with let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers principle mentioned previously. By asking questions you allow the person to remain active in the decision making process
Principle 5 – Let the other person save face. Never try to embarrass a person. Be respectful and try to not burn bridges
Principle 6 -Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise” as Abraham Lincoln once commented. Approval can be the biggest motivator for people. By giving praise it provides a motivator to seek more praise
Principle 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Establish a person’s strengths and use those strengths as a reminder of how great a person can be. For example instead of directly criticizing them you can start by discussing the standard of excellence they have established in the past and if there were any problems hindering them from maintaining that standard.
Principle 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Most mistakes are easy to recover from.
Principle 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest- Let them know how their work relates to their goals/personal interests so they can be excited about doing their work.
With these three parts and their underlying principles in mind, one can learn and be successful in engaging others in a meaningful way. As noted before, it’s a continual process of self-improvement but if you follow these guidelines you will see a shift in perspective and outcome.
