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Being a bad drunk and being an alcoholic are a bit different. There is some crossover. If alcoholics didn’t do things that were destructive when whey drank, they probably wouldn’t realize they had a problem. A lot of alcoholics realized they had a problem when they nearly lost everything they cared about to alcohol. Bad drunks can do that, too. However, not all bad drunks are alcoholics and what I mean by that is, there are individuals who don’t drink often, don’t feel addicted to alcohol, but when they do drink, they are bad drunks. The issue isn’t with how often or how much they drink but rather the fact that the second they get buzzed, they turn into someone intolerable, and even dangerous. I once dated a guy who was a bad drunk. He ruined some of his friendships when he drank, and he nearly ruined our relationship. I got him to stop drinking, and then we broke up for other reasons, but thank goodness I alerted him to the fact that he was a bad drunk. If you’re in that situation, here is how to talk to your partner about it.
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You can’t have fun when he drinks
Explain to him that when he starts drinking, you cease to have fun. The good times are over for you. You’re just on high alert now, watching how much he drinks, and wondering when trouble will begin. You become a babysitter. You can’t relax. Your night off is stolen from you.
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You just worry that he’ll upset someone
You spend the entire evening worrying that he’ll piss someone off (because he has). He has said things he cannot take back. And tell him that “I was drunk” is no longer an excuse past the age of 22. So, he can’t lean back on that anymore.
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Or you worry he’ll hurt himself
You also worry that he’ll hurt himself, and that’s messed up because, you didn’t sign up for a relationship in which you feared every Friday night your partner might wind up in the hospital. You don’t want to stay in a relationship like that.
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Others have commented on it
He’ll hate to hear it, but if others have said something about him being a bad drunk, tell him. It does carry weight to hear that several people who know him well say he’s a bad drunk.
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You don’t want to be around him
Tell him that you don’t want to be around him when he drinks. Tell him that if you know he’ll be drinking at an event, you actively don’t want to go. He loves you, and this thing he does makes you want to be nowhere near him. That must be impactful.
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You don’t feel safe around him
You can let him know that when he’s drunk, you don’t feel safe around him. You feel that he makes decisions that put your safety at risk. In his sober mind, you’re so precious to him and he’d never want to hurt you. It will devastate him to hear you say that he fails to make you feel safe when he’s drunk.
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You don’t feel he cares for your feelings
Also tell him that it seems like he disregards your feelings entirely when he’s drunk. He doesn’t care that you’re mad, sad, or worried. He takes no responsibility for how his actions affect your feelings. Since that’s literally the opposite of what he hopes to do when sober, that’ll have an impact, too.
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Consider filming him
You can always film him when he’s drunk, and show him the video when he’s sober. Just know that if he sees you filming him, he may hit the phone out of your hands, so you have to be sneaky about it.
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Or just recording him
You can also just put your phone in your pocket and use the voice record feature. The next day, play the recording for him so he can hear how awful he is when he drinks. It can be shocking: it’s like he’s somebody else entirely.
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Make a comparison, if you must
If you both know somebody who is indisputably a terrible drunk, you can tell your partner that he acts like that person when he drinks. He’ll probably deny it and get upset now, but later, he’ll think about it. It will sit with him.
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Be a bad drunk
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Next time you drink, be a menace. Behave in a way that could get you kicked out of places. Tell him you’re going to go take shots in the bathroom with strangers. Be mean to him. Show him how it feels to be on the other side of that.
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Tell him it’s super unattractive
Let him know that it’s the complete opposite of hot when he acts like that. Tell him those memories of him being a giant baby/a**hole stay in your memory and it’s hard for you to find him attractive for days or weeks afterwards.
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He’s limiting the places you can go
He’s made a fool of himself at some of your favorite bars and restaurants, so now you feel you can’t go there. He’s actually robbing you of some of your favorite activities, even when he doesn’t go with you.
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He’s limiting the friends you can see
You also have certain friends who won’t come out if they know your partner will be there and drinking. So now he’s making your social life difficult, and you have to choose between hanging with him or your friends.
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You feel alone when he drinks
Let him know that when he drinks, you feel he just goes away. The man you know isn’t there anymore. You feel that night is a waste, and you didn’t spend any time together. You feel abandoned when he drinks.
