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From the day we are born, we learn to do what pleases our parents. They hold the keys—literally and figuratively—to so many things we want from ages zero to 18. Let’s be honest: many of us rely on our parents for important things like rent money and health insurance well into our twenties. Depending on how controlling your parents were, how judgmental they were, or even how manipulative they may have been, it can be very hard for you as an adult to separate your identity from theirs. It can be hard to become a fully formed individual. How can you shake a lifelong habit of asking yourself “But what would my parents say?” And, in the defense of parents, knowing how tightly to hold on or when to let go is difficult. No parent nails this exactly. That is why a lot of people still base their decisions, as adults, on what their parents want. Are you one of them?
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You ask your partner to change for them
Whether it is some literature from his own religion that is different from your parents’ religion, a poster, or even his preferred facial hair, you ask your partner to change and hide things about himself when your parents visit. You actually put their approval above your partner’s comfort. You put your parents’ opinion above your desire for your partner to feel at home in his own home.
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You change the apartment for their visits
You frantically change things in your apartment before your parents visit to make it more to their liking. You bring out the rather loud statement chair they gave you, that you actually keep in storage, so they think you use it. You don’t have the courage to tell them it wasn’t really their place to select and buy a couch for your house.
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You change your appearance for their visits
You take out your facial piercings. You cover your tattoo. You wear clothes you would never normally wear, because they picked them out for you or you know they would like them. Most of the people who really know and love you would not recognize you when you are around your parents.
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You keep certain friends from them
You have certain friends who have expressed interest in meeting your parents. You make excuses for this not to happen. Even though you love these friends, you know your parents would not approve of them. But you are an adult. Aren’t you able to decide who is worthy of your friendship? And shouldn’t you be able to say that to your parents, should they question you?
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You’re not doing what you love
You are not doing what you love for a living. You are doing what your parents love for you. You know what you would actually like to do, but you can hear all the ways your parents would criticize it.
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Their praise is almost worth it. Almost.
Even though you do not feel proud about your progress in your job, you go out of your way to tell your parents what a good job you are doing. Really, the only joy you get out of your profession is having your parents pat you on the back and brag about you.
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You ask your partner to hide things
Before your partners sees your parents, you give him a long list of things he is not allowed to tell them. There are stories he is not allowed to share with them. There are updates about your life he is not allowed to tell them. The poor guy is walking on egg shells every time he hangs out with them.
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You call them about every decision
You cannot make even the tiniest decision, from what top to buy, to what food to order at a certain restaurant, to how to handle conflict with a friend, without calling your parents and asking them what they would do. And then you do it exactly how they would. You don’t even question whether or not it really rings true for you.
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If they disapprove, you’re bothered for weeks
If your parents disapprove of something you do, this bothers you and consumes your thoughts for weeks or months. You cannot enjoy yourself. Even if you did something that you really love, the fact that your parents disapprove of it sours the experience for you.
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You explain yourself when you don’t have to
You’re an adult. You don’t have to explain yourself to your parents about anything. You pay your own bills. You are your own person. If they don’t like something you have done, you actually don’t need to make a case for it. You can say, “Let’s agree to disagree” and that can actually be the end of the discussion. But perhaps you feel compelled to make your parents see things your way.
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You ask your partner to lie about his work
You ask your partner to lie about how things are going in his work, or even what he does for a living. You ask him to create a story about how well he is doing and how successful he is. You make him feel bad about his work, when he actually usually feels pretty good about it.
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You do things their way “to avoid a fight”
You often just do things the way your parents would want you to in order to “avoid a fight.” But really, by doing that, you are just letting them win the fight that occurred in your head.
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You invest just like them
You make all the same financial decisions they do. If they invest in a certain stock or fund, so do you. Your financial portfolios are nearly identical.
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You go to their professionals for everything
Accountants, contractors, housekeepers— you hire all the same people your parents hire. You don’t do your own research. They have always use these people and they claim they are the best. So you just follow their lead.
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If you don’t, you hide it
On the rare occasion you find one of their recommendations not to your liking, you don’t tell them. Maybe you’ll hire a different accountant, because you do not like theirs. You do whatever you can to keep this information from them. You really feel that just doing things differently from them is a form of insulting them.
