My Mom Wishes I’d Marry Someone Wealthier. Here’s How I Deal - Page 7

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My mom, in her heart of hearts, wishes I were married to some stockbroker, that I didn’t work, and that I spent most of my time hanging at a country club or getting ready for social events like galas and theater openings. She won’t admit that she thinks that, but when I tell her I know she thinks that, she has to break eye contact and nervously fiddle with something because, well, I called it. She’s not a great liar, and she can’t—with a straight face—tell me that I’m wrong. Look, she isn’t some superficial villain you may find in a Disney film about an orphan who sweeps floors for an evil Queen. She’s just a mother who wants the best for her daughter, and is, unfortunately, incorrect about what the best would be for me. My mom wants me to marry someone wealthier and this is how I deal.

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I protect my partner from it

First and foremost, I drew a hard line about my mother saying anything to my partner about these things. She isn’t to make comments about his income or make him feel judged for what he makes (or doesn’t make). I told her if she does that even once, we’re not visiting her again. She can take up her concerns with me, but my partner has to feel welcome and accepted in her home.

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I assure my partner he’s perfect

Naturally, my partner picks up on the fact that my mom wishes I had some super wealthy partner. He sees her lifestyle and presumes, correctly, that she wants me to live the same way. I tell him, each time we visit her, that I love my life with him—that it’s perfect and he’s perfect.

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I remind my mom that it’s 2020

If my mom starts to rattle off her old speech about how having a wealthy partner makes life easier, I remind her that it is 2020 and the man is not responsible for financially supporting himself and his partner. I ask her, “Don’t you want a daughter who is independent and not reliant on someone else?”

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I tell her he emotionally supports me

I also make it clear that my partner supports me in the most important way—in a way that sometimes wealthy men cannot—and that is emotionally. He is so supportive of my dreams and goals. He’s very comfortable with deeply emotional conversations. He never makes me feel alone. I know a lot of women with wealthy husbands who feel tragically alone.

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I tell her she’s creating distance

I tell my mom that by making these comments about the partner I’ve chosen, she creates distance between us. If she says negative things about my life, then I don’t want to talk to her about my life, and if I can’t talk to her about it, we will grow apart. And that will be something she has to live with because she caused it.

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I’ll limit visits if she doesn’t cool it

Naturally, my mom still says things sometimes. Maybe it’s just second nature to her. She’ll barge into the guest room, going off on some rant about how my life is doomed because of my partner’s financial state. When she does this, I cancel my upcoming visit and tell her I’ll come back when she can promise not to do that again.

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She had a rich husband. That didn’t work out.

I don’t like to resort to this, but sometimes I have to. My mom’s first husband was extremely wealthy and…emotionally distant and…oh, that’s right, cheating. Cheating so much. My point being that wealthy husbands don’t necessarily make great husbands and she’s the last person who should advocate for them.

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I mention her new husband doesn’t work

I also gently remind my mother that it’s a bit hypocritical of her to criticize my partner who doesn’t make much money when her new husband makes zero money. They live off of my mom’s divorce settlement and various investments. So, if she wants to talk about my dude’s financial situation, she can welcome my thoughts on her man’s money.

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I assure her I have plans to make money

I know my mom just wants to make sure I’ll be okay. So I do assure her that I have a savings plan that I stick to. I have a Roth IRA. I’ve even scoped out towns in which I could comfortably afford to retire!

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And I confirm that he and I have plans, together

I also reassure her that my partner and I do talk about money. We aren’t just sitting around, fiddling our thumbs and hoping a miracle happens. We are communicative about finances, and I know my mom wants to hear that.

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I remind her nothing is certain

Those with money can lose it. Companies go bankrupt. Businesses close. Bad investments happen. To ever feel that a financial situation is permanent is to be naïve.

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I say I’d rather have a present partner

I also remind my mom that I would much rather have a partner who is emotionally, mentally, and physically present than a super rich partner who is always at work or thinking about work when he isn’t there.

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And I’d rather have a happy partner

I’d also rather have a man who does something he loves, even for little money, than one who works a high-paying job that he hates.

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I tease that I’m in her will anyways

I usually jokingly tie up the conversation by reminding my mother that I am getting plenty in her will, after all, so there’s nothing to worry about. Sometimes you need to lighten these conversations up.