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Some men don’t ghost. Oh no—some do something worse than ghosting. At least when someone ghosts you, you understand what’s going on, pretty quickly. You send several texts that go unreplied to, confirm with his friends that he isn’t dead, and get the idea. You aren’t happy about it, but you’re clear on what’s going on. But then there are men who do this other thing, where they almost slowly ghost you while still dating you. They let the romance die. They let your connection die. They let their efforts die. They still show up (mostly) and are there in the flesh, but they aren’t there emotionally or mentally. Or financially. I don’t know exactly why men do this. Maybe it’s because they still sort of want you in their lives—they like companionship and consistent sex—but they don’t necessarily want to keep things serious. Here are signs he’s trying to get you to dump him.
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He is demoting date night
What was meant to be a romantic night between the two of you keeps turning into boys’ night. He invites friends on to your date, essentially turning all your special time together into a generic friends time.
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He isn’t helpful
He used to jump at every opportunity to help you. Whether you needed help moving or someone to bring you soup when you were sick, he was the first to offer. Now he has excuses not to help, and they are blatantly bad excuses.
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He is flaky
He constantly cancels at the last minute. Sometimes he just does not show up and claims that he forgot about your plans.
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He is less involved in your celebrations
He used to help plan your birthday party, or offered to organize a dinner to celebrate your promotion. Now you are lucky if he even attends, and if he does he arrives late and leaves early.
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He is becoming cheap
He used to say you could choose any restaurant in the city and wanted to spoil you. Now he says you must eat by 5 PM to get the early bird special, and he even asks you to split every bill, down to the dime
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He is testing boundaries with other women
He is behaving just shy of inappropriate with other women. He lets his female friends sit on his lap, and accepts phone numbers from other women, using the excuse that he did not ask for the number.
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He is putting his friends first every time
If he only has so many vacation days, he is using all of them on a friends trip, saving none for you. If he has to choose between your office party and his friend’s barbecue, he chooses the friend’s barbecue.
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He encourages you to leave
If you are offered a job across the country, he says you should take it and he is a little too excited about it. If you ask if he wants you to stay at his place longer, he says you probably have other things to do and he doesn’t want to take anymore of your time.
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And the electronic has his attention
It seems like most of your time with him now is spent trying to get his attention while he watches television, plays is a video game, or does something on his laptop. You compete with technology for his attention and you lose every time.
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He is openly doubtful about the future
If you try to simply make a plan for him for two months from now, he says “Who knows where we will be then. Let’s just see how things are going then.”
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He is rude to your friends
When your friends try to make an effort to get to know him, he is short in his answers, and does not ask them much about themselves.
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He is making changes without consulting you
He is moving across town, taking a new job that will require very long hours, and generally making other changes that will make it harder for you to see him. He acts like there is nothing wrong with this.
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He calls you nosy for caring
If he seems upset about a fight with his family or a friend, and you asked questions about it, he shuts down, says it is personal, and even says it is not really your business.
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He is getting sloppy about date night
He has had you over for dinner, and fed you leftover pizza, and chips. He is putting in zero effort to make it special.
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His direct messages are sketchy
You have found messages on his computer to other women that are blatantly flirtatious. When you confront him, he shrugs and offers no apology. It’s not quite cheating but it’s close.
