Gettyimages.com/Cropped shot of a woman taking a pregnancy test while sitting on the toilet
So, fellas, I don’t know if you realize this but, if your partner ever tells you that she is pregnant, she went through an emotional roller coaster before arriving at that moment. She probably already cried a lot, had several panic attacks, and took the whole damn box of pregnancy tests just to make sure. She’s been through the ringer before arriving at that moment in which she sits you down and tells you she’s pregnant. Now, I understand that the information is shocking. And I understand that you have a disadvantage because, when you find out she’s pregnant, your girlfriend or wife is staring right at you, judging your reaction, but when she found out, she was likely alone in a bathroom or doctor’s office. That being said, please, please don’t say these things if your partner tells you she’s pregnant.
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Did you forget to take your pill?
Oh sure, go right ahead to blaming her mistake for this. Look, there is no possible way of proving that she didn’t take a pill at the right time, or even that, if she did, that that’s the reason this happened. So coming in hot with the blame is never a good idea.
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Did you do the test right?
I promise you she did. In fact, I promise you that she took several tests before bringing you this information. And even on the off chance that she didn’t, criticizing her intelligence is probably not the best idea right now.
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Oh, that explains the weight
So uh…if it’s her first trimester (that’s the first three months of pregnancy for men who don’t know) she won’t even be showing yet. She won’t have any baby weight yet or even a little bump. Aka don’t say anything about her weight.
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So, you cheated on me
Oh yeah—that’ll go over well. Look, just because you aren’t ready to be a father doesn’t mean you can dive right into assuming someone else is the father. Do you really need to add a fight about trust issues to the discussion over this pregnancy?
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Oh F*&K
Alright, look: it’s okay if you let one “Oh enter expletive here” out. That’s natural. But you probably shouldn’t run around the house, breaking things, and repeating it over and over again. You get one, then you need to move into an adult conversation.
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We’re not keeping it, right?
Woah, woah, woah. Do not ever assume your partner is going to get an abortion. That very well may be what happens, but that is a massive, life-altering procedure that you should never talk about in any casual or presumptuous manner.
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Then we’ll keep it
Ultimately, this isn’t your choice: it’s both of your decision. So don’t make any decisive statements right out of the gates about what you’re going to do. It’s best to lead with questions about what she’d like to do and how she is feeling.
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Is this a ploy to get me to propose?
Yup. We’re all just psychopaths who would fake a pregnancy in order to get a man to propose and then…do what? There is no actual baby in there so, what would our plan be there?
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Oh, that explains the crankiness
So, again, if she’s in her first trimester she probably isn’t experiencing any symptoms yet, physical or emotional. In other words, you just called her a b*tch for nothing.
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I’ll be right back…
I understand that this moment is terrifying, but saying you’ll be right back, and then walking out with no plan on when you’ll return is the worst thing you could do. This will trigger one of the biggest fights you ever have, and if the story gets to her family, they may never forgive you.
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Whose is it?
YOUR’S THAT’S WHY SHE’S TELLING YOU. But, furthermore, what the hell dude? This is another version of accusing her of cheating.
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I can’t deal with this right now
Do you think she can? But she doesn’t have a choice! So regardless of what you’re going through—even if you’re about to walk into the biggest and most important meeting of your life—you have to deal with this.
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You shouldn’t have told me
Well, if you say this, you’re probably just about to lose a partner. Saying this means that you don’t want to be there for her during tough times—that you’d rather she slink off and suffer through tough times by herself and return to you when everything’s coming up daisies again. In other words, it shows that you are not life partner material.
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I can’t believe you waited this long to tell me
Okay look, if she waited several months, that’s not great. But if she just waited like, a week or ten days, you have to understand that she was going through a lot. She probably tried, out of consideration for you, to find the right time to tell you until finally realizing there was no right time.
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You should’ve seen a doctor before telling me
This, again, is like saying that you don’t want to be bothered with her stress—that you don’t want to be there for her when she’s having a hard time. It’s like saying, “You shouldn’t have bothered me with this unless you were sure.”
