When your parents divorce later in life
What Happens When Your Parents Divorce Late In Life
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“Children of divorce.” That’s the phrase you hear. Not “Adults of divorce.” It’s more common for people to get divorced when their kids are still in fact kids because the parenting process can be the very thing that drives couples apart. So if you find out that a couple is divorcing long after their children have grown up, left for college, and perhaps even had kids of their own you might think, “Huh? Why? You’ve made it this far?” But it happens. In fact, couples age 50 and older are more likely to divorce today than they were 20 years ago. If it happens to your parents, it can be a very odd experience. You may not know what to feel. It’s not like you live with your parents anymore and expect to have dinner as a family unit each night. It’s not like you’re still young and malleable, and your parents’ divorce could ruin your idea of love. But it still hurts. Here’s what to expect when your parents divorce late in life.
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They’ll tell you a lot about it
When you’re a child, your mom and dad aren’t going to run to you for emotional support during their divorce. They’re going to work on shielding you from as much of the dispute as possible. But when you’re an adult, your parents may call you to talk about their divorce, just as a friend might call you to talk about a breakup.
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People don’t have as much sympathy
When you tell people that your parents are divorcing, they might give you a mild, “That sucks.” But they won’t rush to your side the way friends might have if you were just a child or teen when this happened. Everyone is so disillusioned about divorce at this point in your life—they think it just happens to everyone.
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You don’t get to take sick days from work
If you’re a kid and your parents are getting a divorce, you get to stay home from school and work through the emotional trauma. But you don’t get to stay home from work if you’re an adult with divorcing parents. You feel like you need a sick day, though.
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It does affect your love life
You think it won’t affect your love life because you formed your ideas about relationships long ago. But you’ll realize just how much of your ideas about love were rooted in your parents’ marriage. You could become insecure in your own relationship and dating life.
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You saw the demise of their marriage
In retrospect, you realize that you saw this coming for a while, but you just refused to admit it. You see now that your parents weren’t actively happy—they were just getting by. A lot of pieces start to fall into place when you look back on recent visits to your parents. Evidence begins to show up.
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One of them might move in with you
If you’re a kid, you have to choose which parent you want to live with (or rather, the court does it for you). If you’re an adult, don’t be surprised if one of your parents wants to move in with you during the divorce.
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You learn more than you want to know
Your parents do not protect you from the details. They’ll tell you awful things about one another you never wanted to know. And that’s after they’ve filtered themselves—they’re only telling you 10 percent.
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You’re too involved
You know a thing or two about relationships at this point in your life so you get sucked into analyzing your parents’ relationship, trying to figure out what went wrong, and trying to find ways to get them back together.
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You see your parents act like children
You will witness your parents acting like total children. They’ll punch below the belt. They’ll make nasty comments to one another. They’ll lose their composure in front of you.
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You worry about them being alone
If your parents’ divorce when they’re in their thirties or forties, you know they can still find someone new. I’m not saying you want them to, but whether or not they can is not a concern. If your parents are in their fifties or sixties when they divorce, you worry that they may be alone forever.
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You really struggle to imagine them with somebody else
If you’re just a child when your parents get divorced, and they remarry new people, you can get used to the idea of a stepparent easier. It’s never easy, but it’s easier than if you’ve seen your parents together for the last 25 or 30 years. Then it’s very hard to imagine them with somebody else.
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You join a club you thought you never would
You join the club of children of divorce. It’s a hit to your ego because you secretly used to pride yourself on not being in that club. Whoops.
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You should still see a therapist
You may not think you need a therapist at this age, but you should still see one. Feelings will come up. Shifts in your thinking will occur. Just ask some friends for a referral…in case you feel you need one.
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You question everything
It can feel like someone pulled the rug out from under you. You’ll question every happy memory, wondering when this all began. How long have they been hiding this from you? How much of your life has been a sham?
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You wish they’d done it sooner
You might become angry with your parents for waiting this long to divorce. You might think, “If you were going to do it anyways, couldn’t you have gotten it over with a decade ago, so I didn’t grow up with the delusion I wouldn’t be a child of divorce?”
