Source: Shutterstock

After sharing a guest-post on step-parenting from the step-child’s point of view, one commenter asked an interesting question: “Should a man with no kids be hesitant to date a woman with kids?” First, whether a man has children of his own or not, there is nothing wrong with preferring to date women without children. We are all free to make up whatever dating preferences we want. They are called personal preferences for a reason and we don’t need the approval of anyone else when it comes to what we like. However, there are a few things childless men should keep in mind when deciding whether they are ready to date a woman with a child, or children. Women, would you agree on the following?

Figure out if you like or want kids BEFORE dating a woman with children.

When you are single and looking to mingle, you generally will not hurt anyone if you start dating “just to see where things go.” Plenty of men do this all the time. But when deciding to date a woman with a child, you should be clear about your expectations for the relationship upfront with yourself and her. In other words, if you’re still in the “dating just to date” phase of your life, involving a woman with a child is probably not the type of relationship you should engage in because your actions will more than likely impact the lives of two people — the woman and the child. While the age of the child plays a factor, if you’re not looking for anything serious, you shouldn’t play the “I’ll figure it out” game with a ready-made family.

Further, if you’re not a kid person or don’t want kids, you should not date a woman with kids to see if you’ll change your mind. This is not a video game that you can turn off when you decide you do not like how the game is playing out. That is a personal decision you should figure out long before you involve a woman and her child in your life. Save the games for the rest of the single people in the world who do not have the responsibility of looking out for the emotional well-being of themselves and their child.

Do you want kids of your own?

I’m always surprised at how few people discuss this topic upfront. Some women with children do not want any more kids, and this is an awkward conversation to have after you have already exchanged “I love yous” or “I dos.” If you want one or two kids and she already has one or two kids, this is a conversation you should have sooner rather than later. In addition, if you do not want any (biological) kids of your own, do not assume that just because she has one or more child from a previous relationship that she does not want anymore with you.

You are not in first place.

As a continuation of the above point, one of the hardest changes for many single men who decide to date a woman with a child is realizing they are not in first place. In general, the needs of the children come first. This is a hard adjustment for many men to make because when you’re single and don’t have any kids, you can be as selfish as you want. People with children are used to (hopefully) putting the needs of their children before their own. I have friends who have gotten upset because a woman they are dating has to drop everything for their child. This makes not one iota of sense. A woman should not be placed in a position to choose between the child she loves and the man she likes. If you don’t understand that, then you aren’t ready for this type of relationship and it is best if you do not bother wasting her time or yours.

How is the relationship with her baby’s father?

I’ve written on whether you need the baby’s father approval before  — and for the record, no you do not. But while the relationship with the father of the woman’s child should not dictate your relationship, their relationship –- whether good or bad –- will play a role in your lives. It’s important to know what you are getting yourself into. Before your relationship gets serious, you should know what role, if any, the baby’s father has in the child’s life, and what type of relationship the two parents have with one another. Contrary to popular belief — and Lifetime movies — not every woman with a child is looking for a second parent if the biological parent is actively involved in the child’s life and doing a good, low-drama job of co-parenting. An honest conversation about this should minimize the chances of you making a surprise cameo on a VH1 reality show.

What do you think? Should a man without kids hesitate to date a woman with kids?  If you are a step parent or single mother, what advice would you offer a man to know if he is ready to date a woman with kids from a previous relationship?

WisdomIsMisery, aka WIM, uses his background as an internal auditor to provide objective, yet opinionated, qualitative and quantitative analysis on life, love, and everything in between. WIM is not a model, a model citizen, or a role model. See more of WIM on his weekly write-ups for SBM, on Twitter @WisdomIsMisery, and Instagram: WisdomIsMisery.

Source: WENNN

From HelloBeautiful

I remember vividly the first time I came to know the name Jada Pinkett. It was in the last days of “A Different World,” when the “The Cosby Show ” spin-off sitcom set on a Historically Black College campus was struggling to keep its freshness as it transitioned in to the early 90′s. Beloved characters Dwayne Wayne & Whitley Gilbert were all grown-up and professional, and the show’s once authentic connection to college life, youth culture and energy was dwindling. Insert Jada Pinkett’s Lena James, a powerful pint-sized freshman who boomed with energy and breathed new life in to cast. She joins the cast as a freshman, Lena James, introducing her self to the common area with a not so humble solo step routine: “L to the E, to the N, to the A, Step off, you ain’t getting no play!” From that moment on, in my 9 year-old mind, I was pretty sure I wanted to be her. She exemplified the spirit of what largely came to define the creative Black experience in the 90′s: loud, colorful and unapologetically proud. That was 20 years ago.

I find myself on the phone with Jada on a Thursday afternoon about a month ago. She’s in the process of doing promotions for “Free Angela And All Political Prisoners,” the brilliant documentary directed by Shola Lynch.  After a friend shared the film with her, Jada came on as a producer using her hollywood muscle to help get the film distributed in select AMC theaters nationwide. What I thought would be the typical 15-minute movie junket interview (abruptly ended by publicists listening in on the other end), turned in to a 90-minute phone call with the real Mrs. Smith about everything from her early relationship with her husband to why people should lay off Rihanna.

In what #TeamBEautiful has deemed the Best.Jada.Interview.Ever., we speak with the stylish and brutally honest A-lister about about parenting, dating, marriage, Black hollywood, and why America loves to hate on little girls. Check out the first of our three part series.

HB: You get a lot of criticism on the way you parent, has it ever bothered you?

JPS: You know what, I get it. In people eyes, I could see how it could be radical. It’s so funny the more I sit back and think about it, I was raised like this. It’s so natural to me–my situation was different; I had a lot of freedom. My mother worked a lot and she also struggled with drugs. So I had a lot of freedom at 12. But I also paid attention to where freedom worked and where it didn’t. One of the freedoms that I had was hair and clothes and how it completely [helped to] develop my self-esteem and sense of worth. And how, if I could dye my hair blue and shave it on the sides and deal with people remarks or smirks while I am walking to school, I’m good. To be able to stand tall in my own personal convictions for who I am and what I decided I wanted to be. And I was given that at a very early age. So by the time I got to 18 and I came out to LA, there was nobody out here that was going to pull me out of my own Jada game because I was very clear about who I am. You aren’t going to sucker me into to doing some crazy Isht I didn’t want to do. I didn’t have someone dictating to me along on what I need to be, and then at 18 struggling to figure out–I was already there. And the difference I see in Willow at 12 is, she’s got a loving father and the truth of the matter is that a girl’s emotional development is really strongly developed based on her relationship with her father. I just think of parenting at this: I don’t believe until waiting until a child is 18 to throw them to the world. I’d rather have kids in my house with me, building out certain freedoms as you go, and being there with them in my house while they are exercising these certain freedom so that we can be in the process in these freedoms together. When my children are 18, they will be fine. I don’t have to worry about them. Life starts when you pop out of the womb, and that’s what I believe!

Read more at HelloBeautiful.com

Source: Shutterstock

From MommyNoire

“What’s your daughter mixed with?” asked the cashier at the value grocery store I often frequented as a new mom with my, then, three-month old daughter. She was smiling then, so I knew that her question was well intentioned, or at least that’s what I thought at the time. The question proceeded something about my daughter being pretty and something else about her then “wavy” and “pretty” hair “Ummm…mixed?” I asked, not really confused but mostly trying to buy more time before facing the questions that I knew would inevitably come when I told her my daughter wasn’t mixed. “Yeah,” she said, confidently. “What’s she mixed with?”

Like many persons of color who look a bit different, I grew with questions about my heritage. So by the time I had become a parent, questions like “Where are you from?” and “What’s your background?”and “Are you (fill in the blank nationality)?” had come to be colored in my head as racial identifying questions. I had come to accept them as just part of my identity as a brown-skinned African-American woman, in the same way, I assume, my East African husband had come to accept them as a brown-skinned, black man in America. Our ethnic backgrounds are mixed, but we are black, and so, too, are our lighter-skinned, curly-haired daughters.

I try often to explain this to strangers we encounter in public, but it’s tricky since so many, it seems, have a predisposed notion of what it means to be black and not black and that anything that veers from that notion is odd. “No, they’re black,” I always say when asked about my daughters being mixed. To this, the person asking usually looks confused. And then there’s a silence between us that makes me feel like I should explain more. And I usually do explain more by saying something about how my husband and I have many ethnicities in our backgrounds, but that we, and they, my daughters, are black. This usually does the trick. But, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, the person asking will want to know specifics.  So then I say, “I’m American and my husband is from Africa” but the inclusion of Africa in a conversation about being mixed just complicates things even more.

Read more on MommyNoire.com.

About This Episode

It’s our very first cooking episode! That’s right we’re diving in and cooking on the set of Mommy In Chief  to celebrate Moms on Mother’s Day. Instead of taking Mom out to a fancy restaurant this Mother’s Day, we’re demonstrating how to prepare a tasty brunch for her right at home. Chef Mark McLean of Remarkable Cuisine  is showing us all how to make Cereal Crusted French Toast. 

About Chef Mark McLean

Mark McLean is a personal chef and owner of Remarkable Cuisine, LLC.  Remarkable Cuisine is the culmination of Chef Marks 4 years of private chef services and experience in catering over 200  events. Through Remarkable Cuisine, Chef Mark displays his skill set and passion in the kitchen.  ”I am not here to present a standard or ordinary fare that is “good” or a “decent option”. I attack an ingredient, menu, and dish like the rest of things in my life — with a strong knowledge base and hard work that will make that dish shine,” as quoted by Chef Mark on his company’s website.  Chef Mark is committed to creating a unique and tasty experience in all his dishes, so you’re definitely in for a treat with his Cereal Crusted French Toast.

Cereal Crusted French Toast With Berry Compote

Ingredients:

1 Loaf French bread

3 cups cereal, crushed fine

3 dashes cinnamon

3 cups raspberries (or another berry) fresh or frozen

1 cup sugar

2 tbsp. butter

2 eggs

1 cup cream (light if available)

2 cups milk

2 cups water

1 teaspoon lemon juice

4 tbsp. vegetable oil

Berry Compote

In a medium saucepan, add half the water and bring to a boil. Stir in the raspberries and sugar and reduce heat. Simmer until berries break and release their juices, about 7 minutes or so. Taste. Stir in lemon juice and remove from heat, taste again and cover to keep warm.

French Toast
In a mixing bowl, beat the eggs, and add the cream and milk. Mix well, and then sprinkle in the cinnamon.  Add egg/cream mixture to a shallow dish. In another shallow dish, add the ground cereal. Slice load bread on a bias in half inch to inch pieces.

Let’s cook:
Place a sauté pan over medium heat. Add half tbsp. butter and a tbsp. of oil.

Place a slice of bread in the egg mixture, saturating both sides, then in the ground cereal, then to the pan.
Repeat with another piece, but be careful not to crowd the pan. Cook on one side until golden brown,
about 3 minutes, then flip and repeat with the other side. Remove from pan to paper towel lined plate and
place in oven on warm until remaining pieces are finished.

Serve French toast with berry compote drizzled on top and whip cream. Take a picture and enjoy.

About Karyn Parsons

About This Episode

We bring Moms together for the ultimate delivery debate! Natural birth verses a cesarean section also known as a C-section. Some moms-to-be are able to choose their birthing method, some don’t have an option. To ensure a fair and balanced discussion we have Moms who have had vaginal births and moms who have had c-sections to share their birthing experiences with us!

Be sure to share your birthing experiences in our comments section below!

About Our Moms

Taiia Smart Young is the Executive Editor of Juicy magazine. If she isn’t interviewing celebs like Kelly Rowland, Jada Pinkett Smith, Melanie Fiona, The-Dream and Chris Rock, she’s busy being a Mom to her 12 year old son, Shateek. Taiia delivered her son naturally

Chrisandra Wells is a Mom of four. Her children’s ages range from an 11 year old, 8 year old and 4 year old twins. As a Mom Chrisandra is always busy but fully of energy. She is also a freelance plus size model, hair model and makeup artist and is currently pursuing her dreams in fashion.

Karen Sanchez is Mom to two girls, and wife for the past 15 years. She is currently a freelance talent manager in TV production and she also has her own blog.

About Karyn Parsons

As humans, we know that we have limitations.  None of us are omniscient, all powerful, or can break the barriers of time and space; and we accept that about ourselves.  The only time that it’s difficult to accept the shortcomings of a person is when you are a parent and you’re observing your child.  I would always get so angry and annoyed at my own parents when I felt like they wanted me to be a superwoman of sorts.  Being late was unacceptable, even though one of them sped to work every day.  If I was having a bad day, I was supposed to keep it all inside, but they were allowed to take their bad day out on others.  Even to this day I still feel annoyed with it, but I realize that it’s something that I’m going to struggle with as a parent myself.

My daughter is the love of my life.  Seeing her little head come bouncing toward me is one of the greatest things in this world to me, and I look forward every day to sitting on the couch with a book, her sitting next to me with hers, and watching her mimick every time I turn a page.  I look at her and see nothing but possibilities.  So when she hit her second birthday and she hadn’t started talking yet, I have to be honest, it scared me.

Every parent who’s involved with their child looks forward to the day that their child start’s speaking.  I heard the excitement in my sisters’ voices while they exclaimed that their children said their first words, and there was a bittersweet feeling when I would hear my niece or nephews (two of them are younger than my daughter) talking in the background, while my child only pronounced hard, consonant, guttural sounds.

At the beginning of her life when she would go see the doctor, he would ask questions about her development, and she was always on track, except for when it came to speech.  Each doctor visit I would dread having to feign a smile and say:  ”Well, she’s not really saying those sounds yet, but we tend to communicate strongly on a non-verbal level.”  He would smile back and suggest that I should seek early intervention.

During her last doctor visit he asked me if I’d looked into early intervention yet.  I was honest, told him no, and he asked me why.  That’s when I realized that I was scared of what they might say.  I feel as though my daughter is smart and amazing, but if they reveal her limitations to me, then its something that’s concrete, something that I’ll have to face, handle, acknowledge.  It would shine a light on my own incompetence as a mother, and beckon of light would echo on my child.  They’re right, ignorance is bliss, and I wasn’t ready to give that happiness up yet.

It wasn’t until thinking about my own development, and one of my sisters reminding me that we also needed speech therapy when we were younger. As a child, I stuttered and my sister had a problem pronouncing her words correctly.  However, our parents put us in therapy to help.  My sister reminded me that just because we couldn’t talk didn’t mean that we were any less intelligent than anyone else, and it’s the same thing for my baby.

I feel like sometimes, as African Americans, getting professional help can have such a negative connotation to it. We’re supposed to be strong, and our children will be too.  But, just because you have to get some outside help shouldn’t be a bad thing.  Your child is amazing, but sometimes getting help at the earliest time is the best thing for them.  It can be scary, and it will be scary, but just remember that you’re doing what’s best for your child, and that’s what being a good parent is all about.

Kendra Koger loves her daughter.  You should love her twitter account @kkoger.

Source: PIX11.com

Have you ever wondered, “Why in the world is this person a parent?” If not, I can almost guarantee that this video will make you ask that very thing.

PIX 11 in New York recently ran a story about a Connecticut woman getting into an intense argument with someone on a city bus. Sounds harmless, right? Well, it would be if the woman had not been holding her child while going toe to toe.

While there’s been no word on when the footage was taken, you can see a young woman holding her child but arguing with another woman a few feet from her. She keeps screaming that she’s being disrespected in front of her child and “someone grab my baby, mayne” because she was about ready to fight.

What happens next is…insane.

The young woman she’s arguing with says something about “…if you respected your baby…,” when all of a sudden, the woman throws her child into another passenger’s lap and lunges toward the other woman and they start throwing punches.

It is startling to see how quickly it happened but what is even more shocking is how calm the baby seemed about it and only covered her ears to keep out the noise.

As stated, there’s no word on when the video was taken but there’s also no word on if the woman has been identified or if there has been any investigation on charging someone.

So many questions here: Why didn’t the bus driver ask one of them to exit the bus once he noticed it was escalating? Why didn’t the mother just try to ignore what was happening (althogh it should be noted that no one knows why the argument started)? Why didn’t the other woman just leave it alone since she knew this woman had a baby with her? The list goes on and on.

Take a look at this and tell us what you think?

Shutterstock

When you are in a rush, it’s easy to skip cooking dinner and resort to grabbing take-out meals for your family instead. But not all parents do this out of laziness or exhaustion from a long, rough day at work. There are times when healthier dining-out options for children do not seem readily available to the unclothed eye. Hopefully this list of kid-friendly, health-conscious restaurants will ease your fears.

I understand that frustration, disbelief and even rage aren’t foreign emotions for parents. I know because I have a mother who didn’t pull any punches. I can empathize with parents because though I wasn’t as bad as many of the kids I grew up with – I was NOT an easy child to deal with.

Where my concern increases is when it comes to black girls. We’re quick to beat them, ground them, and punish them for their behavior or acting out, sometimes (most horrifyingly) in suggestive ways, but my question is this: How often do we talk to them?

In the 2nd grade, I was dared to write a dirty love letter to a kid in my class. Being the Billy Jean Bad A** that I was, I did it with no qualms. Never dreamed that the kid I wrote it to would give the letter to my teacher who then called my mother. How embarrassing for my mother to get THAT call about her pig-tailed daughter. Best believe I got a whoopin’ when I got home that day.

The embarrassment and subsequent anger of being confronted with your 2nd grade daughter’s rather sophisticated and graphic version of a love letter has to be through the roof. But the fear in wondering where she could have possibly learned all of this has to be even greater. And so, although my mother did ask why I wrote it, I couldn’t give any kind of soul-bearing answer at that age so she truly believed a good slap (or 15) on the butt would set me straight. It did, sort of. I never wrote anything like that again. But all the things leading to that love letter wouldn’t be discussed and a healing process wouldn’t begin until I was 22 years old. That’s a long time to be walking around with insecurity, shadows of bad memories, and emotional trauma you can’t quite work out no matter how many church services you go to or journals you fill.

So, when I saw the story of the girls who were beat for creating a twerk video, I understood both sides. I understood that the video they created was only a symptom of much deeper insecurity they’re dealing with. I understood their father’s anger, because as many of my male friends have expressed to me, where daughter’s are concerned, the black father’s role, in their mind, is to keep their daughter(s) off the pole. So I understood, but I grieved as well. I grieved for the root that was planted in those young ladies’ minds that caused them to believe popping their butts on camera would bring them admiration, respect, or love. I grieved for a father who never wanted this for his daughters, but who acted out of rage and embarrassment more than out of love. I grieved for the society that praises black women for being voluptuous but not for being value-based. But more than anything, I grieved for the generational curse of non-communication we face as a race.

While my mother and I have built an amazing relationship over the past few years, she’s been honest with me in saying that there were always things she never wanted to discuss with my sister and me, for fear that she would put the wrong ideas in our heads. I asked if she had had a communicative childhood with her parents and she told me that she hadn’t, not really. While there was unconditional love, communication wasn’t as free-flowing. I now see the pattern that had plagued not only my family but today plagues millions of families nationwide. The Internet and the media are a big machine. Our children are small wonders getting caught in that soul-crushing grind before they even get a chance to know and love themselves.

While I do believe physical discipline (not abuse) within reason and administered out of LOVE can be useful in parenting, open and honest communication MUST always be our first line of defense. There is a WORLD of things beyond a child’s comprehension and emotional maturity that young people are dealing with nowadays. If they can’t know that they have a safe space to express themselves with their own parents, where will they go and to whom will they run for affirmation?

La Truly writes to encourage and catalyze thought, discussion and positive change among young women. She is a contributor to MadameNoire.  Follow La on Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly and AboutMe www.about.me/latruly.

Source: Shutterstock

From YourTango

By Dr. Matt Morris

In counseling families, I often ask teens if they are sexually active. Some say, “yes” and others say, “not yet.” None of them ask what sex is. That’s right, by the time kids are 14 and up, they all seem to know some information about having sex.

But where are they learning this information? School? Their friends? Grey’s Anatomy? Pornography? Every parent should talk to their kids about sex, beginning at an early age in a non-shaming way and throughout the child’s development. In this post, I’ll describe an overview of how to talk to your kids about sex at any age.

1. Very young children. Talk to toddlers about their bodies. Teach them the names of all their body parts, including their genitals. Teach them the anatomically correct names and then use a nickname if desired. Also begin to teach them (in a non-threating way) that some body parts are private and that private parts are not to be displayed to others or touched by others. Private parts are private — ”for your eyes only” (excluding parents and physicians).

2. Pre-school kids. Continue to talk to them about their bodies. Answer their questions with short, accurate, age-appropriate answers. You don’t have to give all the information — just enough to satisfy their curiosity. Don’t be embarrassed by their questions or make your children feel ashamed for wondering about their bodies. Continue to teach them about private parts and “stranger danger” without scaring them. And if they are touching their own genitals (little boys often put their hands in their pants), teach them not to do this in public and that this is a private activity. Again, no shame.

Read more on YourTango.com.