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No couple feels one hundred percent enthusiastic about each other every single day, for their entire relationship. Even the man who is “perfect” for you may fail to excite you, sometimes for months at a time. But it’s important to know when it’s your partner’s doing, or life’s doing. Sometimes what feels like the end is just a bump in the road and if you’d stick it out, you’d be so happy you did. Here are seven of those bumps that will make you question your feelings for your partner.

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Let’s face it: everybody wants to fall head over heels for somebody. Even the self-proclaimed lifetime players would give up that lifestyle for someone who swept them off their feet because you can’t choose when you fall in love. And just like you can’t decide not to feel in love if you are, you can’t decide to feel in love, if you’re not. But, since the concept seems so good on paper, sometimes we (yes, mostly women) will tell ourselves, “This is love” when really he’s just not the one. Here are signs you’re not that serious about him, hard as you may try to be.

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If you’re a fan of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, you’ve probably become very familiar with Kenya Moore, the resident desperate woman who, as “Gone-With-The-Wind-Fabulous” as she is, still hasn’t found her Prince Charming. She’s made it known on almost every episode of Season five that she is more than ready to be married and have children, pressuring her poor [faux] boyfriend Walter to put a ring on it.

While there is nothing wrong with knowing what you want and going after it, there is a difference between actively pursuing romance and desperately trying to find a husband.  In case you don’t already know, desperation isn’t hot by any means. As a woman who is knocking on 40 herself, I understand her level of concern – especially as it pertains to having children. But pressuring yourself and others into marriage can cause more harm than good if you’re not careful. If the following describes your approach to looking for a relationship with marriage in mind, it’s time to slow down and take it easy before you find yourself with the wrong guy, or pushing the right one away.

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There always seems to be someone that is about to hire him, or publish his novel, or invest in his start up idea. But all the talk in the world can’t cover it up when it’s just so clear, a guy does not have his life together. Not even close. Moocher, slacker, loser—call it what you will—here are signs you’re dealing with one.

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A healthy relationship is the perfect balance between comfort and something that pushes you outside your comfort zone, rational and a little bit of fantasy, sexual and emotional chemistry. Lean a little far one way or the other and you have a relationship that could easily be broken by the ever-changing climate of life. Don’t even base your relationship on these elements.

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Right now you and your guy have no major financial responsibilities, no kids and you’re both still attractive and energetic. So, what’s there to worry about? Well, time. Some behaviors and habits that are cute or at least harmless now could be what make a man impossible to live with later. Or, they could be what make him a great partner for life.

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You’re not crazy: you’re just female. And I don’t mean that in a derogatory way. I mean that in the sense that you are a woman that lives in this world, today, dealing with this crazy scene of online dating/Facebook/casual sex/open relationships and all the other confusing elements that come with being a modern day woman. You may think you’ve lost your mind if you’ve thought these thoughts but really, you’re strange if you haven’t!

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It’s the burning question that you ask yourself every time you’re a bridesmaid (yet again), or you go through another breakup, or a man tells you he’s not looking for anything serious but you secretly know he’s just not looking for you. And when you start to answer it, you probably start to analyze yourself, and your exes. You try to understand what is wrong with you, and what was wrong with them. But you’re missing the point, which is this: it’s not about who you are as an individual, or who he is as an individual. It’s about what happens when the two of you come together. A guy might seem great on paper, but for some reason, it didn’t work. And that’s because what’s more important than character traits, is dynamics. Like these:

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I sometimes have to hold in my giggle when I hear my pastor going off over the pulpit about certain marital problems that are usually pretty apparent well before a couple says “I do.” It’s not that I find someone else’s marital plight humorous, but what I do find funny is how foolish we can be as women sometimes. Many of us are in a rush to race a man down the aisle or prove that we are “wife material” without ever stopping to ask ourselves if the guy that we are praying, hoping, and wishing will pop the question is husband material himself.

I always used to hear more experienced women say, “Child, you better choose carefully, because what you want at 20 ain’t what you want at 30 and what you want at 30 damn sure ain’t gonna be what you want at 40!” Always bewildered by this statement I’d think to myself, “Gosh, lasting marriages are a thing of the past, I guess.” As I began to mature though, I began to realize that what they were really implying was that when you are accepting male callers with the aspiration of one day jumping the broom, you should accept applications carefully. But, how? Where’s the blueprint for choosing a spouse? Call me old-fashioned, but when troubled by this question I often reference the Bible. Whether you believe in God or not, it sets some pretty standard precedents for what a good husband potentially looks like. In a perfect world, every male would be born with instincts that automatically instruct him on how to be a good husband (especially considering the ridiculous male to female ratio on this planet). But, since we don’t live in a world anywhere near perfect, you might want to check out some of these red flags to see whether or not your guy is marriage material before he pops the big question in the future.

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The problem with heartbreak is that, you have to feel the pain. There is no painkiller of heartbreak that doesn’t come with serious side effects. Alcohol, random sex or jumping into a new relationship all—as you’ve probably experienced—just leave you hurting ten times as much as you did before. Because of this inevitable pain, many women crawl into a hole after a heartbreak, and never go back out to find someone new. Here’s a little bit about that mentality, and why it just doesn’t work.

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“I don’t want to get serious again until I want to get married”

That’s the only way to guarantee there will be no heartbreak, right? That’s why so many women say this. But, there are a number of reasons why this just doesn’t work out. There are plenty of people who’ve been separated or divorced, that will tell you, you can get hurt, and probably even more so, once you’re in a marriage.