9 Inconvenient Truths About Men & Cheating

November 23, 2011  |  
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The emotional and psychological challenges experienced by many men attempting fidelity are underrated in mainstream romance. Instead, the problem is exacerbated by highlighting the inevitable outcome of that challenge: cheating. Cheating has been analyzed through a never ending stream of expert opinions and “why men cheat” books and articles. Overwhelmingly, the barrage of cheat-lit takes the much needed stance of helping women either demonize or empathize in addition to ensuring women that there’s something that can be done to prevent a man from cheating. Not this article. This is not your typical, girly, “why men cheat” list intent on giving you false hope. My take on the subject fully acknowledges that at least 50% of of men being coerced to sleep with one woman, and one woman only, are simply not going to. These next few reasons for male infidelity will make you squirm in your seat, get your eyes rolling, head shaking, and flaming the comments. No fluff. Just cold, hard, inconvenient truths about a man you used to, or will soon love — and why there’s roughly a 1 in 2  chance he cheats.

He’s Not Married

Where all the single ladies at? Your man is probably cheating on you with them. Why shouldn’t he? It’s not like you’re married. “Booed,” “Involved,” or “Dating” are not options on any form I’ve ever seen for relationship status. Perhaps you fall into one of those categories with a guy and the two of you have been seeing a lot of each other, but when did he ever say he was going to have sex with you, and only you? Newsflash: if you’re not married or engaged, you’re in a practice relationships . Most marriages are based on an agreement that’s full of loopholes and vagueness, but at least there is  something in writing.  Practice relationships are built on mutual agreements that many couples never bother to discuss. If you have never discussed monogamy with your man, and you are not married, he might likely be cheating.

Too Many Options

“Men are as faithful as their options.” We’ve all heard it, and this inconvenient truth has resurfaced as of late thanks to Shaq’s new book, citing this very reason as the source of his own infidelities. Men spend a significant portion of their existence building wealth, muscles and confidence just to be considered as a sex partner. Once he’s attained enough of either, he’ll attract multiple women and be rewarded for all of that self-improvement. Sometimes wealth and fame comes very fast, giving he who posesses those qualities a disproportionate number of options. It’s not easy to walk away from every single opportunity. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all men, just most of the ones many women are interested in. By comparison, men that are broke and swaggerless have a higher propensity to be faithful. A lifestyle of poverty and/or insecurity doesn’t bring a lot of options or opportunity. Unfortunately, these men are also less desired by women. Go figure.

A Sense of Entitlement

To help illustrate this male mindset, I’ll tell you about my buddy Aaron. Like many men who think like him, Aaron doesn’t believe that monogamy is natural or sustainable. But in order to fit into society, he leads two very distinct lives. On one hand, he’s a loving husband and provider and loves his partner wholeheartedly. On the other, he takes a extramarital partner when he can. Aaron and those like him think that men sleeping with several women is as natural a male tendency as becoming a groupie is for females. Why get married if you think this way? I asked Aaron the same thing. His answer: “The best parts of society aren’t built on natural human tendencies. They’re built on blending those with order, structures and institutions like marriage.” This is a very common rationalization.

He’s Wants Something “Strange”

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man that’s tired of having sex with her.” Its crass, but it illustrates the simple truth behind the strange, unquenchable thirst men have to try something, anything different than his mainstay. Woman may find this aspect of men unconscionable while ironically, it is one of his most intuitive habits — a thing men feel, know, and do without thought. The good news, should you choose to accept it, is that his want of the strange is completely unrelated to his feelings for you. Men can be loyal, devout partners, love you to the end of the earth and take a bullet for the woman who holds his heart, yet still very badly want some strange new experiences. That’s just the way it is.

Fear

The entire insurance industry is predicated on fear. It causes stampedes in a crowded theater, and got Bush elected for a second term. The way it is internalized by each man will differ and often, he’s not even aware of the true source to his actions. Cheating is often related to fear. Such was the case with Justin, who’s “cheating” ways developed over time. As a young man, he’d been very romantic and had an adolescent relationship with a girl. They were both virgins at the time and fantasized about being each others’ first. Many of their peers were doing the deed but Justin was holding out for his betrothed.  Sophomore year of high school, Justin moved away and she lost her virginity to some other guy. “Never again,” Justin vowed, referring to all the advances he’d passed on in the interests of being “faithful.” And so it went for the next 15 years, throughout which time he promised exclusivity to one girl or another but never honored it. With each dalliance, Justin kept his vow and nurtured his own fear of being hurt and “missing out” until two to three girls became the status quo. Of course, that’s how fear developed for this guy into a block to monogamy. Each individual has an experience all his own but fear is fear and it’s a real source of cheating.

Age

By and large, men go through eras of infidelity. In kindergarten, I was a one woman man. That lasted well into my late teens and had disappeared by the time college came around. Monogamous relationships might be desirable during their twenties, but for most men committing to one girl is far-fetched. But once in his thirties, fidelity once again seems palatable. Maybe he’s thinking more about marriage, or maybe he’s just tired of the chase. Either way, sometimes there comes a time when a man is looking forward to finding a good girl to make a go at it with. The timing just feels right. It’s all about timing.

Sex as Stress Relief

A mortgage, two kids, a car note, a demanding wife, and career is a lot of weight for any man to carry. If a marriage is mismanaged long and severely enough, much or all of the sexual chemistry can be sucked right out of the relationship due to seemingly more pressing matters, like calling the plumber. It’s a common scenario, and an affair is waiting to happen. A man still cherishes his family and may regret any betrayal, but may still be in desperate need of a release. Even a single encounter with a colleague or strange woman can be incredibly therapeutic, renewing his vigor to be “the man” for his wife and family. If he remains committed to his family, a slight dalliance, say once a year, can have positive benefits overall. And that’s why a man might do it.

When in Rome…

Plenty of happily married men travel the world for business and view an illicit tryst as standard as ordering hotel catering. Sometimes ordering a plate of adultery is accomplished in much the same way as room service. As always, the Internet improves upon the quality of life with websites like Ashley Madison and Arrangement Finder, which do a fine job of keeping cheating convenient. And once he hops back on that plane home, no one will know the difference.

To Get Out

Sometimes, men simply grow tired of a relationship, but is either in denial or can’t bring himself to cut things off. In other cases, he may have told his lady it’s time to call it quits and she either erased the conversation from her short-term memory or broke down in tears, causing him to recant it all. Once a guy has reached this point, whether he’s tried to tell his lady or not, the reigns on monogamy are steadily loosened until lipstick on the collar or explicit text messages are inevitable. Not only does it get him back in the saddle and beyond the need of a rebound, but his wife or lady will do him a favor and end the whole charade when she finds out. So as you can see, most of these reasons don’t have anything to do with you as a woman. There is nothing you can do about most of them! This means you can stop buying those books about why men cheat. Just be the best person you can be, and if your man is a good man who is capable of being monogamous he will be.

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