If At First You Don’t Like Him, Try Again?: Should You Give Him A Second Chance?

October 10, 2012  |  

Source: Thinkstock.com

My sister and I are something like twins. Born 20 months apart, everyone who’s spent at least an hour around us can tell that we’re pretty connected. In fact, just last night my friend noted that my sister and I are not just on the same page, we’re in the same paragraph, just a couple of lines apart from each other. You get the picture, we’re tight. So that means I have the ability to correctly interpret the words she doesn’t say.

Which is how I learned that my sister’s former/current boyfriend was going to be her boo thang before they ever made it official.

She was a freshman in college, busy experiencing all that her new lifestyle had to offer. Needless to say she wasn’t calling to check in or catch up like she used to. When I did talk to her, I could tell that something was up. Within the first quarter, there was this guy who stepped up and made his interest known. But my sister wasn’t having it. In one of our debriefing conversations, she told me that though homeboy was attractive and they had a lot in common, she just saw him as a friend. She valued the platonic (on her part) friendship they’d developed and was either unwilling or scared to jeopardize it. So she claimed they were friends. But I knew that was a lie she didn’t even know she was telling.

The more we talked, the more I realized how much closer she and homeboy got to be. His name and opinions were constantly coming up in her stories. Sometimes he’d even be in the vicinity during our conversations. Dude was persistent if nothing else. And with each one of these conversations, I’d ask my baby sister, “Gurl, you sure you don’t like him?” She held strong for a couple of months; but increasingly, she and her “friend” started entertaining the idea of taking their relationship to the next level. And a couple months later, they were a couple, to the surprise of no one.

My sister’s story is not unique. In fact, this trend of not liking men and then loving them is a trend that runs in my family. My mother didn’t like my father when she first met him; and now that I think of it, my grandmother wasn’t too fond my grandfather either.

But it’s even bigger than my family. There’s a whole theory that suggests that if a woman doesn’t initially like a man, she should give him a chance. But when it comes to men, go with your gut. Parts of me really don’t get down with this theory because it panders to the stereotype that we women are innately indecisive and don’t really know what we want. The family trend aside, I can honestly say I’ve never not-liked somebody and then found myself flipping the script. I’m skeptical and cautious around new people, so most of the time, I wouldn’t even give them the time of day to change my mind. I have had the reverse happen though, plenty of times. You know when you initially think a boy/man or manchild is the best thing since peanut butter covered Oreos, only to find out you should have left him and his foolishness alone, a long time ago.

What I can concede to though, is the fact that I’ve never, not ever heard a man say that initially he wasn’t attracted to a woman’s physicality or personality, but learned to love her over time. So there is at least a modicum of truth to this, if only because men refuse to continuously place themselves in the company of women they’re not attracted to.

But you know the drill by now, we’re about promoting discussion. Ladies, have you ever disliked or not liked a man “like that” only to love him later? And fellas, because we know you’re always on the site, have you ever found yourself with a woman who you weren’t attracted to at first?

More on Madame Noire!

Trending on MadameNoire

View Comments
Comment Disclaimer: Comments that contain profane or derogatory language, video links or exceed 200 words will require approval by a moderator before appearing in the comment section. XOXO-MN
  • Jonathan Keller

    Kind of wish the girl I like right now was willing to give it a chance. She wrote me off due to a lack of a spark, and then spends a tremendous amount of time with me, including planning on going on a backpacking trip in a month and a half.

  • Darkman

    A man ALWAYS take the cookie and then run…
    It wasn’t love at 1st sight for both of us, but when I got her cookie, I couldn’t run this time: it last for 16 years with 2 kids…

  • Kayo Halana Malie

    There has never been a man who I have disliked only to have a change of feelings later.

  • CarlaKah

    Yes, I’ve loved a man that I initially didn’t like… they are exes now

  • Ms. Cambri

    The guy that makes me the happiest now just happens to be the same guy that I despised. Funny how things work out.

  • IllyPhilly

    I believe in second chances at first impressions-if that makes sense.

  • clove8canela

    I think unless the guy is a total d-bag, he should always be given a second chance. I ended up in a relatively happy 3 year relationship with a guy who I was really on the fence about by the end of our first date. After giving him another chance, he was more relaxed, and I realized he was just really nervous the first time around.

    • Miss K

      It’s nice to read stories like this because there are so many times when we look back on those people we thought were handsome with complete disgust! It’s the book vs. cover story…

  • GoldnHot

    I never saw my fiance in a romantic light because I was too distracted by grieving, work, and a pregnancy.We talked everyday for hours and I really admired him as a friend but as a bf er NO and I made that clear to him.He is very good looking to me like j.cole but with fixed teeth and less neanderthal type scowl.I always brushed off his compliments, and ignored his flirting because I thought it was his character/y chromosome.I didn’t know this was upsetitng to him because he was trying really hard to get me all to himself.I even actually tried to hook him up with one of my friends.
    long story short the guy you are yourself around, and doesn’t give u the first time butterflies can become a great boyfriend because you are in CONTROL you are not going to overlook things that you would normally with someone who gets you hot in the pants lol. Now don’t get me wrong my fiance is physically attractive, he is tall (6″3) and fit, but even if he wasn’t I treated him like I would treat the guys who are not so fortunate in the face.

  • Farine

    I’ve been in this situation–I met a guy who expressed an interest in me, and although I found him to be handsome and cool I wasn’t interested in him. Fast forward a few years, we happen to run into each other and the sparks were undeniable. I hadn’t seen or spoken to him in all that time but when I saw him and we reconnected it was a totally different ball game. And it wasn’t forced; it was genuine and while it didn’t last long I don’t regret giving him a second chance.

  • Nikki

    If at first you don’t like him, don’t try again. It makes me think that you will force yourself to try to like him, which to me is dangerous because you will change things about yourself to please him.

    • Diso98

      This doesn’t even make sense! If I met someone and didn’t like him at first I’d more likely have a ‘blah’ attitude towards them and just be myself, and be more likely change/do things to please a guy who made my blood run at first sight.

      • Ashley Walker

        I think you are right except the writer and commenters seem to be focusing on friendships that turned into love,

      • Nikki

        Well, it makes sense to me…