The Thirst Files: She Pulled A Disappearing Act, I Got Desperate

September 18, 2012  |  


“The Thirst Is Real.” Is it? Isn’t it? These days, “the thirst” has become a ubiquious term showing up everywhere from Frank Ocean’s tweets to ratchet reality shows. But what is the thirst? In our series “The ThirstFiles,” we decide to share stories and essays that communicate one angle of the thirst whether it involves a woman who develops a sexual addiction or a married man who stalks for affection via the internet. Just so you know, we’re not taking ourselves too seriously here but wanted to take a more focused approach to understanding this thing called “The Thirst” lol. Enjoy our fourth installment and let us know what other angles of the thirst you’d like to see explored. 

By Darren Bell*

Repeated listening of my “G’s Up H*e’s Down” playlist wasn’t enough to purge the bitter feelings of resentment experienced by my ego when a woman I had been dating for the past three months apparently decided to terminate our relationship, unbeknownst to me. I certainly have gone through my share of relationships to understand sugar can turn to s**t, things fall apart, and all good things must come to an end, but what bothered me and left me confounded was that she simply disappeared. Number changed, Facebook profile deleted, twitter account non-existent, no responses from email. She went missing in action, absent without leave, leaving me in that uncomfortable state of suspended uncertainty, relegated to ponder the infinite lists of what’s and whys which could all be summed up in three simple letters…WTF.

The more time went by, the more preoccupied I became with attempting to find answers to the mysteries left by my missing lover. In all honesty I wasn’t sure what I was looking for.  Her abrupt disappearing act engendered a wide range of emotions and the more I thought about the time she and I spent together, the private things we confided in each other, and the moments of intimacy we shared, the deeper I seemed to submerge myself in a convoluted sea of feelings and prospective actions I should or could take. While her contact information may have changed, I thought about the information I did have, like her email password which she voluntarily gave me earlier in our relationship. I could access her email account and snoop around, I thought. Or maybe I should do a pop-up visit at her job or her house. Until then, I’ve always thought that making unannounced visits to a significant other’s home or job breached the threshold of dating decorum and was a direct violation of the G-code so with all of these thoughts circulating, a conflict began to emerge. The strong, impassioned heartfelt emotion  I was feeling was starting to take over the logical part of my mind.  It was like I could literally see the good angel on my shoulder telling me to let things go, while simultaneously the bad angel was yelling at me saying “C’mon man, go to that b***h’s house and get some answers. Thankfully, my male ego wouldn’t allow me to act so desperately.

Before I let the situation turn me into a stalker,  I called one of my homegirls to vent. My intent was to explore the female psyche, solicit advice, insight, maybe get some warm words of comfort. Instead, after pouring my heart out to my female friend, I was met with cynicism and laughter. She was surprised that someone disappearing without notice was something I hadn’t experienced before. Her take was that men pull disappearing acts all the time without the consideration of a phone call or text message. And while she didn’t mean to laugh at me, she confessed that she found a slight sense of satisfaction knowing that a man actually experienced something women experience quite regularly. (Some friend huh?)

Our conversation was surprising to me. She spoke of people ending relationships without notice in such a cavalier manner that she made it seem like it was common practice. While we debated the different ways and reasons why lovers disappear and whether men were more culpable than women, it became clear that leaving a relationship without notice is a form of emotional abandonment. While this may be the first time for me, after talking to several other people they confirmed that it happens quite frequently. I decided instead of devoting energy to figuring out why my ex-lover left, I would let the good angel win and put the energy into moving on. I can’t front, I’m still hurt, and when Gotye’s “Someone I Used to Know” plays on the radio, I definitely turn that ish all the way up. But when all is said and done, I’m still bumping a track from my “G’s Up, Hoes Down” playlist. Right now, Jay-Z’s “On to the Next One” get’s my mind right.

*Author’s name changed to protect the thirsty.

Have you ever gotten thirsty when a man disappeared on you?

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  • SureWishIHadClosureThough:(

    kinda. we had a two year old little boy; for whom i was awaiting diapers to be dropped off by the (Rolling Stone). it was a bit befuddling. i now realize he did us a favor. if he’s unstable enough to abruptly abandon us (without nary an argument, mind you); he might have committed worse by sticking around my precious baby and ‘feeling overwhelmed’ without me there to intervene. right?

  • Brandie Davis

    I just had my boyfriend of 4 years disappear on me. I have known him for 5 years. We were friends before we became lovers. We were supposed to move in together. Last time I talked to him he said that he was coming over so we can talk about what were going to do because the plans we had before did not pan out. I never heard from him again. I keep thinking something was wrong tell I read this article. I don’t understand how you can love someone and then just leave. I don’t understand if you don’t love that person or if you never loved that person how you can just leave and not tell them. How am I supposed to move on. I keep thinking how can he look at his self everyday knowing that I was quiting my job and moving my children to be with him. How can he live with his self knowing he asked me to move in with hm. I will never be the same, I will never see men the same again. If this is something that someone can do and not have any remorse you have to have a cold a** heart and karma is a b****!

    • WishIHadClosureThough:(

      It’s gonna take awhile to grasps this concept, but he did you and your children a favor. He may have had a pre-existing ‘situation’ going on long before you and he took ‘things to the next level’. Not living together; he may have opted to selfishly ‘juggle’ and ‘have his cake and eat it too’. (You mention that to cohabitate would require a change of employment location, so he clearly didn’t live that close to you. Therefore making it all the easier to ‘juggle’ a double life). He was clearly too coward to be ‘straight up’ with you. I’m sorry he left you hanging at the last minute; but it would be WORSE to HAVE quit your job, relocate, and then finding yourself ‘at his mercy’….while he boldly gives you his @$$ to kiss about doing whatever the #u(k he pleases. (They get VERY bold when you move into THEIR domain annnnnd have no [real] money of your own to mention. You DONT want that). If you give Yourself enough time….the pain will subside. It’s wise for you to now remember “A man is a man is man…is a man”. Not an Island. Not your Savior. Just a man. The only occasion you should allow to have you uproot you and your kids’ lives should be him LEGALLY MARRYING you. If [he] asks you to do so much and ain’t proffering at LEAST an engagement ring—-that’s more Risk than Incentive. Put You First!

  • Tram

    I’ve had a guy disappear on me. No call, no text, no facebook message for the next 3 months. I couldn’t understand what happened or why. My feelings were so hurt and it took me a while to get over him…..and just as I was starting to get over him, a text pops up like nothing had ever happened. To this day I still can’t get a straight answer from him. He tried to blame it on me. How childish. I kind of had an idea why he disappeared when he started telling me about the chain of events that happened after our “breakup”….another woman. So when he broke up with her he came back to me….REALLY? Even though I liked him a lot, that showed me how much he wasn’t meant for me and now I’m marrying someone else.

  • Reese

    I have pulled a disappearing or two in my day. Both times it was issues with me and not the guy. I didn’t feel I owed them an explanation, I just didn’t want to deal with them anymore. I feel bad about it in retrospect.

    • sabrina

      Same here girl.

  • Don’t Worry, Be Happy

    Omg that picture though ?

  • KamJos

    I’ve never had a guy completely disappear on me but I’ve had guys make themselves less available without any reason. With the last guy first he was “busy”, then he was too “tired” to talk. But had all the time in the world to play Farmville on Facebook. At this point I’ve learned that being “thirsty” is no use. Once a man starts doing that take the hint and move on. You will save a lot of drama and start healing much faster. Put them on ignore and walk away.

    • Reese

      I totally agree, I recently experienced this. My feelings were hurt and I’m in the process of trying to let it go.

  • Me

    I’ve heard of this happening, but I never had a guy just up and disappear on me, so I’ve never experienced this “thirst” you speak of. I think disappearing though is the most selfish, cruel and inconsiderate thing anyone could ever do, so I would never do that to anyone. Besides, it’s too much trouble changing all my information lol