I’ll Be Moving On: How I Stopped Ugly Crying And Reminiscing And Finally Got Over Him

13 comments
September 18, 2012 ‐ By La Truly

Sometimes you are more than willing to turn an ex loose. You snap the weight of that relationship from around you like you snap that constricting bra off at the end of the day. You’re giddy, joyful like a slave who has just received her freedom papers and a one-way train ticket North.

Then, there are the relationships that leave you curled up in the fetal position, watching The Notebook on replay, ugly-crying Kim Kardashian style into the same three balled up tissues you’ve been using for the past four hours. Nothing matters in the world. Not food. Not your job. Not even your hygiene. You’ve drank ONE glass of OJ all day, called out of work and haven’t shaved your legs. You simply can’t rest for wondering, crying, hoping and praying over the desperate, pitiful remains of your love, feelings and broken emotions.

Yeah, it’s that intense sometimes.

I’ve experienced the former and the latter. While the latter is obviously the most difficult to push through, it’s also the most rewarding to push through. I cried my fair share of tears but at the end of the day, I had to get tough with myself. I fixed my face (and LORD, did that take some fixing), took a shower, shaved my legs, hid The Notebook DVD and laid out some serious honesty for myself. My ex had not changed. In over six years of on-again-off-again contact with him, he had not changed. At 26 he is the same game-playing, insecure, lazy little boy that he was at 18. Am I bashing him? Absolutely not. I can attest to his good qualities as well. The only trouble is that while he may be a good-hearted person, all the ‘good-heartedness’ in the world just AIN’T ENOUGH.

I took inventory. Had I grown? If the answer was ‘Yes’ (which it unequivocally was) then the choice to completely and wholeheartedly walk away from him would be clear, yes? Yes. It should be easy, yes? No.

Sometimes women, as the more nurturing of the two sexes, feel the need to coax, coddle and coerce boys into being men. Wrong. All wrong. If he is not engaging his own free will to become better, there is little you can do or say to persuade him to. I had to stop and realize that my support is and will only EVER be supplemental to my ex’s determination to mature. If he lacked that determination, all the support in the world would do him no good and would drain me in the process.

I looked in the mirror one fateful day and true to the form of any endearing chick flick, gave myself the illest, most girl power-esque pep talk possible: “Girl, you have come too far. You have learned too much. You know what you deserve and it’s not him. You did all you could do to show him how much you loved him. He didn’t get it and that’s not your problem anymore. Something so much better is in store for you.”

I fed myself smaller gems in the same vein as that pep talk whenever I felt weak or lonely. I got busy working, getting involved in the women’s empowerment ventures I had become so passionate about, mentoring young ladies, writing, traveling, spending more time with friends and family. Things were happening. Life was drawing back its curtain and showing to me all the glorious inner workings of its full production. I was falling in love with living, instead of existing. And sure enough a week, a month, a year and a half sauntered on past me. I looked up and thought about him for the first time in ages and felt ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

When I got busy working on ME, that’s when the real healing process started happening. It was like a chemical reaction. Getting to the crux of who I am, what I enjoy, what I’m passionate about is what made all the difference for me. I had no time to bemoan the ruins of a failed relationship when I was out exploring, meeting, seeing, doing, loving and living. But I had all the time in the world for growing.

While I wish him well, I have slowly but surely moved forward by knowing and fully UNDERSTANDING my immense worth. You’ll never get what you deserve if you never understand and fully believe in who you are. People can tell you until they are blue in the face but until it all penetrates your brain matter, it will just be words and you’ll still settle for less than everything you’re worth.

I may have held the blue ribbon for “World’s Ugliest Ugly Crier” back then but please believe holding the title of “The One That Got Away” feels so freakin’ fabulous now.

La Truly is a late-blooming Aries whose writing is powered by a lifetime of anecdotal proof that awkward can transform to awesome and fear can cast its crown before courage. Armed with the ability to purposefully poke fun at herself and a passion for young women’s empowerment, La seeks to encourage thought, discussion and change. Her blog: www.hersoulinc.com and her Twitter: @AshleyLaTruly.  

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  • Adina Flow

    I did what I do best…when a man who I was engaged to abruptly dumped me for a Jump Off in retaliation to my attempts to enroll in Law School (“you think you betta than me”). I am a songwriter, and I wrote a piece dedicated to the #!@&#:
    “Betta You (Than Me)” [snippet]
    `This time…betta it be you than me./ Gee, thanks! I really/ appreciate him bein off my hands./One man…ain’t worth fightin for….one man—ain’t worth fighting over!”

    My album will be available by Spring 2013. For anyone lookin for relateable reality in the form of musical art; Adina Flow is who ya need to know! ;)

  • Yah

    “I had to stop and realize that my support is and will only EVER be supplemental to my ex’s determination to mature.”

    So true. Good article.

  • supafabs

    LOL@ “ugly-crying…into the same three balled up tissues you’ve been using for the past four hours.” I know this all too well…
    “I may have held the blue ribbon for “World’s Ugliest Ugly Crier” back then but please believe holding the title of “The One That Got Away” feels so freakin’ fabulous now.” LOVE IT.
    I needed this article. Thanks.

  • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

    Good article. But you seem to blame him for the demise of the relationship. Why couldn’t he grow up and meet YOUR ideal of what a man should be? Why did he make you henpeck him and try to mother him into being a man. Unfortunately those are all YOUR problems not his. He’s fine with who he is you’re the only one that had the problem with it. Why can’t we look at failed relationships not as a testimony to how foul he was but as a mark of our own mindset at the time? We grow, we mature, and what we find desirable in a man ought to change during that process.

    • MsRedBone

      If at 26 he was still the “game-playing, insecure, lazy little boy that he was at 18.” then thats probably why they broke up….those weren’t HER problems…those are HIS. What type of woman would want a 26yr old man like that? It failed because her mindset was I’m better than that and it’s time to move on since he’s obviously not growing with me although she waited many years for him to do so.

      • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

        You can’t control others you only control yourself. If she wasted any amount of time on a man who she thinks is immature, again that’s her issue not his. There is something fundamentally wrong with someone who gets into and STAYS in a relationship they know is dysfunctional. Wouldn’t you agree?

        • http://www.yourtango.com/users/cheekee-baby cheekee baby

          I’ll also add, that if at the end of that relationship the only thing she learned is that he had problems, she will be back in that same relationship just with another face. Time to do some self introspection ladies and figure out why you keep choosing the ‘wrong’ one.

  • NicPal

    Awesome article…let the church say AMEN!

  • Gye Nyame

    I’m glad the author got her head together and moved on to a more productive life, but these types of articles are overdone. Do women really need a manual to tell them how to get over or out of a bad relationship? I mean every day? Let me know…I’ll write one (I have 2 children I need to put through college someday)

  • kma81

    Great article! I’m going through a break up now and this article is just what I needed to lift my spirits. Thank you for writing this!!!!!!

  • Mackenzie Rae

    yes! yes! yes! yes! yes! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED this read! Awesome execution!

  • TRUTH IS

    I hope my bf bat chit crazy ex reads this….she needs a clue. I will not be pining over any man….enough out there to move on with….

  • reyhay

    Great Article!!!!

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