Why I Wish We Would Stop Advising Black Women To Date Outside The Race

August 17, 2012  |  

Source: socialtickmag.com

If I had to make a list of the stuff that I don’t like, advising single Black women to date outside of the race would be at the very top. I just want to find whoever started that “70 percent of Black women are single” conversation and put them on a rocket ship to outer space with whoever first volunteered that “the solution is to date outside of your race” remark.

I don’t even remember when it started, but apparently, of all of the solutions presented for this so-called “issue”, interracial dating somehow emerged as the groundbreaking cure-all. But I guess as long as you convince people there’s a sickness, anything can be marketed as the antidote.

The latest person to capitalize on this mythical “issue” by spewing this illogical advice is a blogger named Christelyn Karazin. She already has a book you may have heard of (I hadn’t!) called “Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate Mixing Race, Culture, and Creed”. Recently, a production company picked up feature film rights to the movie. No other information on the movie has been released yet, but the author says the book is  “a dating wake-up call for African American women”.

A wake-up call because not dating interracially implies that you’re sleeping? What kind of silliness is that?  This is the stuff I do not like.

I don’t like the fact that these women (and men) are out here encouraging Black women to date outside of their race like it’s a fad, a trend or even a novel idea. I don’t like it because then it makes it seem like women (like me) who happened to be married to someone of a different race did so because that’s the popular advice of today.

This “should we” or “shouldn’t we” interracial dating debate goes on ad nauseam in the black blogosphere with people speaking out passionately on both sides. Then in the middle you have people like me who honestly do not care and wish that everyone would just stop talking about it – even those that are supposedly in support of it! Especially those that are supposedly in support of it.

Why? Because people who think they’re giving well-meaning advice by saying “Black women should date outside of their race” are really just perpetuating the fallacy that Black women (who want to) don’t date outside of their race already.  In fact, there are plenty of Black women who have dated or married a non-Black person and it isn’t because they’ve applied some sort of warped logic and panic-stricken thinking to their love lives. It’s not because they’re out of options or answered a “wake up call” either. These women just happened to fall in love with someone who isn’t Black because they don’t regard race in dating or marriage and they certainly don’t view their marriage as some sort of “movement”.

It’s amazing how much Black people have begun making interracial marriage a huge issue again. Since this “Single Black Women” conversation started, women who happened to have married outside of the race begin being used by both sides of the useless argument. Some will prop her up as an example of how to “win” in relationships while the others will use her as an example of what’s wrong with the state of “Black Love”. Some Black women want her to give advice on how to meet White men and others want her to prove she doesn’t have something against Black men. People assume that she is in it for the “pretty babies” and others say that she doesn’t want her children to have black features. People think she either found the “secret” or is “self-hating”.

It’s exhausting and insane. Personally, I am sick to death of people expecting me to either encourage them to “leave these Black men alone” or insinuating that my marriage is some sort of gimmick and a direct response to trendy advice. Maybe there are some Black women who have taken a look at their lackluster love lives and decided that Black men were the problem, so they made a conscious decision to date or marry someone of another race. I am not one of those women. In fact, I think that any woman who believes that a husband being White (or Black) will insure her against infidelity or divorce or general unhappiness is just delusional. I believe that because it’s not about race at all. We definitely shouldn’t be basing matters of the heart on something as arbitrary, dubious, and fickle as pop culture relationship advice. Just marry who you love and love who you marry — and assume that others are doing the same.

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  • array528

    Alissa: you’re dumb. You have no insight or talent. Just do readers a favor and stop trying to “write”. I’d call you a racist but there’s only one race. The HUMAN race.

    You’re just a silly little tool.

  • Right Back Atcha

    Ding! Ding! Guest and Anthony, please go to your neutral corners. This fight is over. Peace out y’all. 🙂

  • The way Black men and Black women argue and slang mud at each other, it’s no wonder there are so few Black marriages. I, personally, think that, for every Black-women-bashing male, there are at least 10 Black-women-loving men of other races. Black women have too many better things they can do and too many better men they can spend their time with to be wasting time on these sorry, Black-woman-bashing punks who try to downplay their own male inadequacies by exaggerating the failures of Black women.
    Really, ladies, you can do a lot better!

  • Kevin

    It seems like the author of this article Alissa Henry has the real issue here. She is upset about good advice given to black women because It may make her relationships with white/other race men seem like a gimmick. Alissa you have nothing to prove if your relationship is solid. Some relationships ARE Gimmicks no matter the race of the partners.

    Do you and stop creating road blocks for other black women to get blessed with a good man. If they want to date white to have a larger pool of men, so be it.

  • TX2Hi

    Now reading this. It is a fallacy to suggest BW are already dating out. They are not dating out anywhere near the dating out WW do.

  • love

    Ugh, I really dislike Black Americans, you guys make all blacks around the world look bad!

  • Raven1234

    You should read the books “Black Women: Interracial and Intercultural Marriage book 1”. This will seriously ease your annoyance about thinking bw/wm dating is a trend thing. Trust me. Oh and “Never Bring Home a White Boy” (don’t let the title fool you) is an excellent book as well! You’ll learn why there are books and websites reaching out to some of those black women who are not so open minded about dating non-black men. It’s very interesting. You should really try those books. They are so enlightening 🙂

  • Y


  • rob

    BW, did you notice the “black woman” in this article’s picture? She might as well be white. Most BW don’t look like that. Many WW do. Her appearance screams healthy, succesfull, friendly-wow! You may not ever look exactly like her, but the closer you can get, the more attention you get as well. Now since many of you won’t be exact, having a good attitude and being open to a well intentioned man of any race may save you from a lot of lonely nights.

    • Guestest

      Give me whatever it is that you are smoking because you just said some stupid stuff.. She looks nothing like a white woman.

  • Shelly

    The point of the articles is not to encourage anyone to do anything , it’s simply stating that black women should explore more options, that’s all!! Too many black women are single now, an overhwhelming 70% because most of them think they are suppose to be with someone black and that’s just simply not the case. Broaden your horizons and taste and see what else is out there. I live in a section in Dallas, TX where interracial dating is really big, and I was even shocked about that. Before I moved to Dallas I just never considered it because I thought I’m black I’m suppose to date black, and once I started venturing off and dating other races it let me know that I did have options. I think its asinine to stay single because of race.

  • Jacquetta Szathmari

    How about reading the book and doing a review? Or writing an article that includes some citations, facts or figures to support your thesis (whatever it may have been). I know it’s a lot harder than just spewing your opinions on a page, but it might make for a better article. I blame the blogging revolution on this one.

  • I wish people would stop advising black women PERIOD!!

    • Then how would the white man, indian man,and asian man send their kids to college.And don`t forget the black church,comedians,and common crimanals ,they need you too.Feeding off of b/w`s insecurities benefits EVERYONE!!!!!Oh,except for b/w of course,but keep that secret to yourself.

  • Pingback: The discussion you wish we’d stop talking about, but I’m adding to it anyway « Do.Dream.Aisha()

  • enoughsaid99

    People have a right to date who they want to date, just do not use it as an excuse that their is no available black men, and for the record not everyone wants to get married. Also,there are 6 million single black and white women. People are just using black women as a way to sell books, and make movies. Get over it, and get a life!

  • La-Dee-Dah

    Agree for the most part with the author. The whole get your very own “white” prince charming thing is getting old. It’s big fat myth that every I/R is a perfect one where the guy is always romantic, always buys flowers, always keeps the seat down, etc. Ever since age 16, I’ve dated the rainbow, and at nearly age 52, I can tell you men, just like dogs, come in all colors. Some dogs are good and well behaved, other dogs are not so much. Has nothing to do with the color. When it comes to dating outside the race, here’s what I say: It’s ok to be open to opportunities, but don’t be an opportunist, if you know what I mean. If a Black finds that she meets a nice and sweet white man in the natural course of living her life, and they start to date and wind up falling in love and getting married and having a family, fine, but know that doesn’t always happen any more than if one sticks to dating only within the race. Waiting for Prince Charming (of any race) to rescue is a sure way to lead to disappointment and heartbreak. Have your act together before dating anyone, regardless of race.

  • Kiki J

    I totally understand where this artlicle is coming from. I do think that single black women shouldn’t date interracially just because their single, but it also makes sense that if one opens up their dating pool that they will better the odds of them finding a mate.

  • cheekee baby

    I’m not sure if there is a movement so to speak for black women to date interracially. but there certainly is a notable influx of black men choosing that option. If anything I hear more black women than not avowing that they would never date a white guy or any man other than black and the ideal sickens them. I have always dated without racial bias. If you’re handsome to me than your handsome. My experiences overall have varied and it had nothing to do with the guy’s race. You have to have an honest dialogue about what it is you really want and the means that is mostly likely to give you the result you are seeking.

  • Interesting comments. Well, I will say this dating interracially is not a solution it is an option. I think what people are trying to say is to be open minded to dating outside the race. Also, just because you date outside the race does not mean that you will find your “Huxable”. There are many women out there who make bad decisions when it comes to relationships period and they need to heal and look at themselves before dating anyone. If you have a history of choosing a horrible man it will not change when you switch races unless you self evaluate. Once you have done that then you can date whomever and make good dating decisions.

  • I appreciate the article for the simple fact that it sheds light on certain stigmas about black women in interracial relationships (which are very real). I also like that she addresses the whole “single black woman epidemic” nonsense — that definitely needs to stop. But things like this still bug me. People are steady hating or trying to tell you how to live your life. Just like she doesn’t agree with people telling black women to date outside of their race, I don’t think she should tell people not to advise it. Let people find their own route to happiness.

  • Na Na

    Every article by Alissa in Pink is about somebody hating on her and her husband. Newsflash…if you found such happiness in a husband outside of your race why wold you discourage other women from finding that same happiness?

  • Live_in_LDN

    I actually agree with the sentiments of this article. I’m British and I date all races of people but I don’t make a song and dance out of it and I don’t encourage my friends to do so as if it would cure all of their problems. When I read a lot of blogs that cater to African American women they make such a massive deal about interaccial dating like it’s so radical when really it isn’t…

  • On_Point

    who freakin cares, there are more import things in life to worry about than who is dating who. #getyourlife

  • I agree

    I agree with the writer’s sentiment. This is my first time reading her articles, I’ve only read a few things here at madame noire in the past. But I must say the whole idea of the book and movie is that some white knight (literally) will come in and swoop all forlorned sisters off their feet. When often the issue with the less than 42% of sistas who never marry (does not mean never find sustained relationships…nor mention the fact that the percentage is less than the brothas who never marry) is that many have issues that should be worked out internally, and cannot be fixed through marrying anyone else.

    Yes I do question people who push the issue of “dating out” because I want to know what motivates them. Too often they are coming from a negative place, as I believe is the case with the author of Swirling. Before you jump on a person’s bandwagon, you should dig deeper. If she only speaks negatively about black men who are not related to her, she has an issue. If she constantly compares black men to men of other races, she has an issue. She’s holding onto some resentment. I can promise you that. Swirling hasn’t cured her issue…had it done so, she would probably not build an entire brand around it. She would contently enjoy her life. Instead she constantly battles with people about “swirling”. That cannot be healthy. There is something at the core that she does not share with the public. Believe that.

  • Kayla

    This the dumb. Don’t nobody say none when black men date outside they race. But I do encourage us to date outside our race. Bc these ninjas ain’t ish, but I don’t blame them bc they daddy probably wasnt ish either.

  • Reale Heyward

    No matter what people say, I honestly believe that women want a “good man”, irregardless of color. A woman who knows her self worth and can be realistic with a person and his character can see past his color. Personally, I may be attracted to one color over another but that never ostracizes the chance of being happy with someone. I don’t like people telling women or men to date outside their race because men and women have the wonderful opportunity to meet so many different people of different cultures. So to tell a person they have to outside their race in order to be happy sounds insane to me. A person who wants a serious relationship with a “serious” person, will date who they like when they like, no matter what other people say. Dating outside my race has never been an issue for me, but to each his own.

  • MixedUpInVegas

    What is the point of this article? Is it that what is good for Alissa Henry is not good for other Black women? And if that is so, then why is it so?
    Her pointed remarks at Christelyn Karazin speak volumes. Any woman who reads Black Women’s Empowerment blogs knows that there are many writers who are urging our sisters to expand their horizons and embrace new possibilities. Why single out Ms. Karazin? A little jealous, are we, Alissa, that she is more successful than you are?
    And if you are, as you say, weary of the subject of interracial dating, do yourself and the reading public a favor and stop talking about it! Your whining is getting tiresome.

  • Had a sinking feeling this hit piece was going to be based off of some personal vendetta. And yes Ma’am, I am another one of those big, bad
    author/bloggers who strongly
    urges Black women to expand their options in regards to dating and other life
    choices. Our group make no qualms about maintaining this position: Black women must consider men from
    all racial/ethnic backgrounds to maximize success with interpersonal relations…

    Ladies, IMO the author cares nothing about whether or not you find love and/or form intact, legitimate families. If it were up to her, Black women would continue to beat the same tired drum in silence!

  • I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing to advise black women to try dating outside their race, it seems that a lot Black women are sitting around waiting for a Black guy to approach them, and are closed minded to anyone else. But the problem with that is that they may be throwing away a chance good, man who can love and treat them the way that every woman want to be treated. I’m not saying that Black women should go chasing after a non black man (I find that weird and kind of annoying that people do that), but that if one approaches her that she not turn them down just cause he’s not black.

  • Cassandra Benz

    Well, just read her post. Not
    yet the comments underneath, though: but she has the right to object (#free
    speech) but she seems to be pretty angry, however… I do not understand why is
    she taking that so personally and not very lady like… furthermore, she is in
    an IR so what the point, really? To me she just need to vent on an hot trending
    topic & did exactly as such. I’m rather more concerned pertaining to the
    plateform she is using. I don’t see the point really. Why would MADAME NOIRE even
    features this kind of article?! But I noticed before that MADAME NOIRE was pro-
    black marriage when I fell on a yt where she was or a journalist of hers was
    interviewing an famous actor, I knew from that moment forward what was their
    angle.(& once again that’s her plain obvious right) but still since that
    moment I discontinued following her on twitter or youtube but on other hand I do
    have FB friends who swears by her website (for some kind of inspiration to
    write blogs…).Yet, to me it seem to be more a direct attack channelled
    towards on our sis Christelyn Russell-Karazin & on that, I would say that definitely
    not cool from her part as obviously WE are a movement so why targetting this
    precious soul publickly (as she is as a matter of fact giving a big service to
    the society by sharing what she knows, experiences & celebrates) if its not
    done in love and compassion way??

    She apparently has an twitter, I’ll
    check what kind of person she is, but truthfully she does not deserve a minute.
    But it always good to know what kind of person we are dealing here.

    To my opinion, I would even say that
    she does not fully comprehend in what kind of relationship she is herself… But
    hey never too let to be told explained and put back in place !

    Now that being said, my heart goes
    to our dear sis Christelyn Russell-Karazin because that
    might be hurtfull for her reputation but know that God sees the heart of each
    person, & what she just demonstrated WILL come back to her in the same
    manner she triggered it.

    Oh & one more thing, my heart
    aches as well for her mate, bf whatever he is (poor dude) : as that’s
    quite nice way to display her relationship outwardly…. (smh)

  • Lady Arabella Victoria

    This article is vile & the author is hypocritical. I am happy that AA women are opening themselves to men from the global village. Reading this article was a waste of my finite minutes of life. I am disappointed that Madame Noire chose to publish it.

  • TatumPascal

    This article was pointless and filler. I don’t feel that it added anything to the conversation about race and love in regards to black women and white males in particular. I enjoy MN but I have to say that this isn’t the first article that I have read that felt like filler to me.

  • Black men or dating who they want, why can’t black women.

  • UB Class of 2013

    The title is ironic to me. I stop reading when you said you were married to someone of a different race -__-,



  • Sandra

    This articles is useless. Why even write it, I’m glad I read half because I immediately knew this was not an article that should have been approved and put online. She contradicts herself too. She should be quiet and work on whatever marriage issues she’s currently facing and not rant on about nonsense.

  • Considering that, just last year, Christelyn Karazin, wrote a TON of swirling articles for this very internet mag. This was last year. Maybe somebody needs to check the company they keep.

  • CarlaKah

    ugh. what’s next? A “Black men that have it together and only want Black women: Show Yourself!” campaign? Leave Single Black Females alone (with the voice of Chris Crocker)!

  • WhoMe

    Tell em why you’re mad son!! Wow this chick is just defending herself b/c she married outside her race and must be getting a lot of hate thrown at her.

  • entyce

    Clearly the author is having issues with her own relationship, and that is why she writes articles like these. Let it go already and stop trying to throw someone else under the bus for your own insecurities. Date or marry whomever you want. There is but one race, and that’s human race.

  • Tough, going to marry who I love, black, white, latino, asian or native american!

  • B

    I think what Christelyn is doing is offering black women an option, not forcibly telling them what to do. She wants black women to gain insight into the fact that black men are not the only choice. That there are also non-black men willing and able to love and nurture black women. I have always been open to interracial relationships and did not do it to prove a poor to anyone. Blac k men were also included for me however I married the man I loved because he is the most compatible with me. I support Christelyn’s cause and don’t take offense to it because there is no reason to as I was already married for quite a few years. A lot of black women believe that only black men “know” how to love them which is not true. Christelyn simply wants us to understand the fallacy in that belief.

  • So MnM

    A very sad sad day in interracial relationship journalism:(!!!! Why call nother jounalist into question like Chris Karazin when all she is doing is giving people info and advising them to not close their options? It seems to me that this irrelevant artiicle is trying to prevent the black women community from knowing irr between bw and non bm exits! she wants irr all to herself and dont want to share the ups and down. she wants to remain a novel idea in her relationship and dont want to share with others. she wants to remain special and bash chris making a differnce. she is completely pathetic!

  • JettMane

    they try to hammer the idea because most black women don’t marry white men according to social science statistics, so they feel odd doing it by themselves and resent black men for having the upperhand in dating.

    • Chelsea

      You also have the upper hand in divorcing….check the stats!

      • JettMane

        marriage is not beneficial to black men, we can get everything marriage has to offer without being married.

  • Sugarhunnicetea

    cont3.If you actually read the book, you’d see that it’s not much different from those other books. It talks in detail about vetting your men, and not just picking up any old non-black guy just because he’s not black. It also talks about how deal with naysaying friend and family. Because for many women who want to date interracially, that is in fact an issue. A real issue. And other issues that are also in fact exclusive to black women who date interracially. It’s not as if the book reads, step 1: find the whitest richest man you can possibly find, step 2: ensnare him with your jungle booty.

    I mean it’s one thing, and completely valid, to not want your interracial relationship to be looked upon as a fad or trend. But it’s a completely different thing to conclude that another person is speaking about interracial relationships as a fad or a trend just because they are speaking about it.

  • Sugarhunnicetea

    cont2. I really don’t see how “Swirling” is any different from “He’s Just Not that Into You” written by a white man and mostly geared toward white women, or “Think Like a Man” written by a black man and mostly geared toward black women. They are all lifestyle books. They are all books telling women, hey, if you don’t want to be alone you don’t have to be. I don’t see why an interracial take on the topic, because at this point bringing out a similar book with no obvious distinction in the general topic would be plagiarism, is a problem.

    I have the utmost respect Mr. Karazin because she has branded herself in an extraordinary fashion. She’s an entrepreneur. She’s taken a specific interest of hers and made it into a business. I personally can’t help but respect that hustle. I’m not the biggest fan of Mr. Harvey’s book, but I respect his hustle too. I also read the book before coming to my conclusion. What’s that they say about judging books by their covers?

    • Sugarhunnicetea

      * Mrs. Karazin

  • Sugarhunnicetea

    cont1. I follow Ms. Karazin’s blog and consider her a good friend. Being apart of the Beyond Black and White community, I know the women there on a whole did not need anyone to tell them to be interested in interracial dating or marriage. Most of the women there express having a preference in attraction toward non-black men from a young age, myself included. And our daily discussion goes way beyond the actual selection of non-black partners. We talk about the trails of raising biracial/multiracial children, an actual issue that people find need to discuss. We talk about black health and beauty. The other day we were discussing one woman’s story about how her family ran her white boyfriend out of their house and out of her life when she introduced him. A while before that we had a discussion with black mothers sharing their stories about being in public and white people approaching them to ask whether their kids were actually theirs. If there weren’t real discussions in the broad topic of interracial dating, we surely would not be talking about it.

  • Sugarhunnicetea

    I can understand where you’re coming from, but especially in the case of slamming Ms. Karazin’s book, I honestly feel that you don’t know the full story, then maybe you shouldn’t talk.

    I’m a black woman in an interracial relationship. I don’t consider my relationship to be some kind of fad or trend. I’m not in my relationship because I couldn’t get a black man. I’m in my relationship because my spouse is an amazing person. And he thinks I’m an amazing person. And we’re pretty amazing together. Full stop. It has nothing to do with anyone else’s thoughts and opinions and I don’t let other’s thoughts and opinions affect how I feel about my relationship.

  • Nursejaye

    Why shouldn’t black women date outside our race? It seems black men have no problem doing the same! I say love is love & we’ve supported & stood by black men forever without always receiving the same in return. BRAVO TO SWIRLING…….for black women for a change!

  • I think black women need to date who they are attracted to or who they click with….race don’t matter. Same goes for WW. and BM and WM. Get over the race issue folks.

  • In All Honesty

    Any BM who STILL wants to marry a BW after reading this comment section is bonkers. ROFL!

    • In All Honesty

      LOL! Are you serious? Who ever thumbed me down are hypocrites. Any BM with a bright future deserves so much better than the AA “community”. I couldn’t give a damn if you disagree with it. Heck, I couldn’t give a damn if you did agree. This is a FACT.

    • Chelsea

      But…BM don’t marry BW anyway so what’s your point? ROFL!

  • BB

    This Blogger sounds petty and jealous to me. Shame on Madame Noire for allowing this shallow little person to trash a woman that wrote for and supported her blog for years. If this is how you pay back people who support you, you do not deserve any quality support. Just remember, what goes around comes around!

  • BB

    This ranter er- I mean complainer-er I mean BLOGGER is married to a white man yet is trying to trash Christleyn and other women who are trying to encourage black women to stop being afraid to date out because of the mind job they have been given by the (b)LACK community to stay loyal to black men choosing color above character. Hypocrisy at its finest. Perhaps she is jealous of all the attention Chris’ book and movie deal are getting?Just wondering………

  • Helena

    Shut up.

  • Kitsy

    This is so simple – If you like a guy and he likes you back, then date him!
    It shouldn’t be an issue if you’re open to it. Likewise it shouldn’t be something you are forcing yourself to do because you’re really not into it but you feel desperate. Simple.
    **Now on to solving problems in the Middle East**

    • Kayo

      *Their problems are their problems and are not for us (Americans) or any other country to solve.

  • End Rant…….
    I dont think that the authors of Swirling are promoting IR relationships as a trend…..they are just trying to get women to break outside the box. Might I suggest researching first before broadcasting ones opinion on the world wide web. 🙂

  • Chanda

    To me it doesn’t matter if a BW dates outside of her race or within it but don’t go chasing after these men all desparately. Might as well have them come to you. I’m glad MN slowed down on the interracial dating articles because it makes BW seem desparate and hungry. If black men were always advised to date/marry outside of their race, sistas would be would be all over that article screaming about “they already do!”

  • j a sassy AKA SALOM22W


  • Whatev

    I am ready to see the articles written by Black men and women who faithfully stayed single and true until they met that Black person they wanted.

  • Whatev

    This is fckery. I thought the article was going to say this is not the solution because if we all date “out” there will be no future for our race. Good bye, “author”girl… sounds like you were just ahead of the self-hate curve and don’t want to looked at as a trend-follower. LOL!

  • Nik

    Who would even know (or care) that you have a white husband until you wrote an article about it? Girl, saddown. Perfect example of a crab. Don’t get mad because CK SUCCESSFULLY wrote a book encouraging Black Women to explore all their options – and you’ve done… what? You know good and darned well you heard about her book, chick, you wrote an article about it. Didn’t see a hit piece from you about Steve Harvey’s mess’o’nonsense to Black Women on the big screen. So, by your logic, a black woman giving good advice to other black women rates a hit piece, but a black man still trying to figure out how to have a successful marriage of his own giving unsolicited advice to black women – that’s ok. Honeychile, quit trying to make your way to the top on CK’s back. Hell, she might have even been willing to give you a hand up, but no, you had to go crab. Typical.

    Maybe if your tweets were less vapid, and your “articles” less hateristic, you could be successful too!

    • christinasade

      CK?? who is that? im just curious….

      • “CK” is me, Christelyn Karazin, the author of the aforementioned, “Swirling: How to Date, Mate & Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed.” As a former writer for Madame Noire for two years, I am incredibly saddened and hurt at their disloyalty to one of their own. The writer says that they never read “Swiring,” but is happy to spew so much dishonesty about what the book entails. I would have been happy to send her a copy for free as a courtesy. But instead, she did what many black women do to each other–tear down, belittle, and deride, all with Madame Noire co-signing. Not one editer said, “Hey maybe we should…xyz before we run this…” Better, they could have given the writer THEIR copy of “Swirling,” which they also got gratis. No. No such courtesy or concern. For two years, I have promoted Madame Noire, and my affiliation with them is all over the back of my book and in my bio. I give them love, they spit in my face. Absolutely no discretion or loyalty, and I am so saddened an hurt by this. It is not my intention to cajole or brainwash anyone. Who has time for that? “Swirling” is for women who have already DECIDED they want to choose character above color. I resent being made out to be opportunistic or evil for that.

        • no honor or loyalty look at how they trash GABBY? SAD! SORRY you had to go through this Chris!! wow

          • Guest

            i support you all the way Chris!

        • I support you all the way Chris and GREAT book by the way!

        • anonymouse

          but that’s implying that White men are of a better character than other men and that’s simply not true

          • Kayo

            Where in her comment did she promote White men to be better than other men?

            • anonymouse

              in this statement-‘
              “Swirling” is for women who have already DECIDED they want to choose character above color. ‘
              It implies that men of your own race do not have character

              • Kayo

                It absolutely does not.

                • anonymouse

                  uh, yes it does….what does the statement mean to you, then?

                  • the D

                    It means that black women should choose from among ALL men based on their character first; Not giving black men the edge over others simply for being black. Simple really unless you’re just looking for an insult where there was none

                    • Kayo


                    • anonymouse

                      if that was all about character, then the book would be about choosing a ‘good’ man,period. But the book is about choosing ‘non-Black’ men and you can’t say ‘we’re dating outside because we value character over color’ and be surprised that the statement raises questions. Just admit that she chose a poor set of words and be done with it. A better statement would be ,’Swirling is for those who have decided to expand their dating options by not limiting theirselves to their own race.’ And before you or the author want to go in on somebody being ‘simple’- please look up the definition of ‘imply’ and ‘context’.

                    • the D

                      Every day more and more black women are waking up to the reality that they face. I won’t waste my energy spouting statistics, as they’ll be dismissed by people like you. But we’ve seen the situation with are own eyes and in our own lives. If this were not an issue, this not be an issue. There are far too few eligible black men out there. Even fewer seem at all interested in being husbands and fathers. Since the civil rights and black power movements black women believed that we had a covenant with black men. It turns out we were wrong. Black men have done exactly as they please; To hell with black women, black children, and the black “community”.
                      Black women who’ve worked hard to educate and better themselves are routinley advised, by black media, by black churches, by Steve Harvey, and even by our own families to settle and “work wit a brotha”.
                      Well, I believe that black women are entitled to the same things that all women are entitled to; THE BEST MAN HER BEAUTY, BRAINS, AND TALENT CAN ATTRACT. No special dispensations granted for blackness. If you want a black woman go out and compete for one with all the other men; Of all races. This is how it works in normal society!
                      BTW, She did not imply, you inferred; Wrongly.

                    • anonymouse

                      blah, blah,blah…don’t nobody wants to hear that old tired, ‘i can’t find a good Black man’ speech.You mean to tell me that an educated Black woman can’t find one decent Black man to date?? Or are you one of those who looks her nose down on men who don’t have a zillion degrees and think that being with one is ‘settling’? Like I said earlier, if you want to date outside, go ahead, but don’t defend it with BS reasons and expect other people to go along with it. If a person’s agenda is ‘swirling’ and their motto is ‘character over color’, that’s an implication!

                  • the D

                    It means that black women should choose from among All men putting character first; Not giving black men the edge over others simply for being black. Simple really, unless you’re looking for an insult where there was none.

              • anonymouse, you need help. I can’t…

                Listen, I’ll try to speak plain. I promote for all people, of all races, colors and creeds to choose character above color. Choosing the right character in no way implies that white men have superior character over black men. What is more, we also highlight women and men involved with black, white, Asian, Hispanic and European–it’s not just white. We also discuss issues related to the merging of religion. I know that fact makes things more complicated for the simple-minded, but…there you go.

                • anonymouse

                  Whoa there, sugar, if you’re so confident in your message…why the shade?? Maybe if you were a better writer, then your statement wouldn’t have been misconstrued by me and others who read what you wrote. The fact of the matter is that you wrote that ‘swirling'(stupid term,BTW) is for those who have decided to place character over color….in that context, the implication is that those within you race are lacking of character. I don’t understand how a professional writer is oblivious to how that statement comes off. If you want to date outside you race, fine…..but don’t get mad when you’re called out for your implied reasons for doing so.

          • anonymouse

            11 lost people think that white men have more character! lol…sad….

            • the D

              Perhaps you’re picking up “secret hidden messages”. Must be that tin-foil hat.

              • anonymouse

                whatever that means…..you’re probably too close to the situation to be objective. what’s up with you people insulting others because they have a different opinion?

            • the D

              Perhaps you’re picking up “secret hidden messages”. Must be that tin-foil hat.

            • the D

              Perhaps you’re getting “secret messages”.
              Must be the tin-foil hat.

            • the D

              Why have my responses to anonymouses’ inflammatory accusations been repeatedly deleted? Did they make too much sense?

              • anonymouse

                what was inflammatory about my statements?? the fact that THEY actually make sense

            • the D

              Since this is ostensibly a womens’ mag, why are men permitted to condescend to and insult us; When our comments rationally respond they are deleted?

              • anonymouse

                you should ask the mods, not me…. and never assume

        • christinasade

          oh yeah thanks, i went to your website….good stuff. 🙂

    • sugarhunnicetea

      “You know good and darned well you heard about her book, chick, you wrote an article about it.”

      ROFL! You speak truth.

  • OH WOW — ok dating outside one’s race isn’t a “trend” I’ve been doing it since the 9th grade and it wasn’t because the dude was white… What I don’t get is why black women are on the chopping block when black men have been doing it for YEARS??? What a lame azz article… GWAD I hate Blackistan…

    • Nik

      And Blackistan sho’ hates us.

    • I hate Blackistan as well!!

  • some of these comments are a trip. first of all how can you speak for every african american woman? you can’t. I will date who i want to when i am ready to date. I’m not looking at their color, or race. I will look for how they treat me, how they treat others, if they are a good person. i rarely look at that. this article is a mess. I am open minded, just not going to date who ever. I tend to lean towards men i have something in common with.

  • Actually with the way both of these sites have been I’ve been off of them. I’ve dated on both ends. men are men honestly. sone are amazing others not so much. regardlessmy love for each isn’t defined nor will it ever be by the color of their skin. my first husband was white, and a complete dog. surprise my fiance is black and has treated me like royalty and takes care of my son and my son adores him. Can’t the message go back to date whoever makes you happy? Or is that just too simple for lives that ache for drama??

  • Larnisha

    I actually read the book and it just helps the women to be OPEN to dating other races and helps them navigate those great unknown waters. I am happily married and this is a non issue for me. That said, there are irrational choices we all make to limit ourselves (I myself had a long list of dealbreakers)…the book is actually useful…especially if you have designs on non-white beaus.

  • Hello_Kitty81

    I just got engaged to my white boo this past 4th of July after dating for 3 years and I this is not a fad to me. We knew each other since we lived in the same condo, went to elementary school and went to NIU together and reunited at Lalapalooza in 2009, while I was going through a divorce with my ex-husband (got finalized 3 months later). I love him for who he is and I look past his race and we have a lot in common like we both get up and jog in the morning, work out at the gym, listen to the same music, watch the same movies, and his friends and my friends and our families get along well. But whoever dates IR just as a fad will be unhappy, just like ol girl with the white older man from Bridezillas.

    • i am happy you found someone who loves you and that you truly love. Love knows no color.

  • mskane808

    i agree stick to your own.

    • SirenHigh

      Ummmm….did you fully read the article or read the first paragraph and instantly comment?

      • Jolene

        It’s the idiots that never read and always make stupid conclusions.

    • Chanda

      Uh, I take that you didn’t read the article ’cause the writer did not “stick to her own”.

      • mskane808

        did you an your co signing bytch sirenhigh

  • islandman

    Not again with this IR topic..YAWN.This article going to bring out the white men advocates and black men loathers.sigh.smh..(hopefully not) Ladies/Gentlemen if you want to date IR go right along don’t let society deter you from exploring (even though I prefer black love.. I digress). The only problem I’ve with black people no matter man or woman is those that lambast their own people and worship their mate race/ethnicity. If you going to date IR just love yourself and your people because at the end of the day you still black no matter how much you confess your love to them.

  • KW

    This sounds more like a rant than an actual article. I think she needs to relax. This would have been better suited to a happy hour convo with her girlfriends rather than an article – and who approved this foolishness?
    The article basically says, “Stop encouraging black women to date outside the race because it calls my relationship into question.” If you’re happy, dont’ worry about it. Now saddown somewhere!

    • islandman

      @c3e190396129f926d511a7aeb708cd3f:disqus..I actually agree with the author sentiment.Stop begging for white men or any other man approval/acceptances. Make Black American women look sad/pathetic let it happen naturally.smh.Globally black love is solid even with all the obstacles only in teh GREAT U- S- A black people cannot get it right…

      • Kayo

        If you think Black women are begging for the approval/acceptance of non-Black men, you should hear the things that Black men tell White men about Black women to gain their approval and acceptance and to keep them from dating Black women.

        • islandman

          @MorningRain:disqus Please elaborate?What BM are telling white men so they wouldn’t date black women?Because if some have to be influence by someone else about people he have no interaction with is ignorant and frankly stupid. It’s like implying all black people are on welfare,lazy,stupid with knowing any black person..If wm let a bm influence his decision on dating black women is man you don’t want anyway?

          • islandman


          • Kayo

            There are Black men who spew their hate for Black women to their White and other non-Black friends by insisting that the stereotypes about Black women are true. Some of these men (non-Black) have never dated Black women, so they can only go on what their Black friends are saying. These men (White) have adopted the negative attitudes about Black women from Black men in an attempt to bond with them. These same men (Black) are the type of men who blame Black women for their dating of non-Black women but don’t want Black women dating non-Black men.

            • islandman

              @MorningRain:disqus That go both ways! Black women criticize black men to their white mates/non-black friends/coworkers/media etc.You’re very bias with your criticism about black men you seem to forget a plethora of reasons why white men wouldn’t date black women (without BM influences) society,white men themselves with all their “statistics”,media, etc. Are “ALL” negative attitudes white men have towards BW are base on BM :/ huh are you delusional?

              • Kayo

                1. I didn’t seem to forget anything, because I wasn’t talking about reasons White men wouldn’t date Black women based on their own feelings that aren’t influenced by Black men.

                2. How am I being biased and why would you ask me if I am delusional for expounding on my comment, something you asked me to do?

                3. You are trying to argue against me, but you aren’t even talking about the same things.

                • islandman

                  @MorningRain:disqus We are talking about the same thing..You implying due to black men hate towards BW white men have negative attitudes about dating black women which is far from the truth. BM are the one’s that validate these stereotypes about BW which scare WM away..Not the media,WM themselves but BM :/ Really?

                  • Kayo

                    What I said is NOT far from the truth, you just don’t agree because you don’t even know what I am talking about. I advise you to do your own research.

                    Like I said, we are not talking about the same thing because you are asking me questions about things I never said or implied.

                    I am going to ask you again – How am I being biased?

                    You know what, this is going to be my last comment to you, because I don’t feel like repeating myself.

                    • islandman

                      @MorningRain:disqus Okay…I feel the same..lol..for argument sake we agree to disagree…

              • BB

                Black Women have their angst with DBR black men but like others suggested, check out you tube, there are hundreds of clips on there posted by black men saying horrible hateful comments about black women. I do not see black women posting all those clips so who is spewing the venom and hate here? The black men! so miss me with YOUR biased attitude!

                • islandman

                  @BB It go both ways!Nobody is immune to criticism both BM and BW have video’s bashing each other which is pretty stupid. Yes, her criticism is very bias toward BM. The funny thing the people/organizations/magazine’s/MEDIA that spew the most hate towards BW and black people in general are run and operate by WM/WW the people you guys run over your own to appease. Mentioning ignorant negro’s making a video on Youtube is miniscule compare to the damage that’s being done by CDC reports,magazines saying black women are lonely and nobody want BW (TOTAL BS BTW) on a national and globally scale.NOT BM.

                  • Kayo

                    1. You keep arguing that it goes both ways, but nobody has denied that or said otherwise.

                    2. For a second time you have said that I am being biased, but you have not provided the reasons how.

                    3. Who are ‘you guys’ who ‘run over your own to appease’?

                    4. Mentioning men who spew hate toward Black women on Youtube, a platform that is used by millions of people is not minuscule considering how many videos there have been of this type of activity, which goes hand-in-hand with what the media has been reporting about Black women.

                    5. It seems that your agenda here is to keep repeating yourself, blame White folks and minimize anything that Black men do.


                    • Kayo

                      Shiz is annoying too.

                    • BB

                      YES thank you for spelling it out, but he will still defend that black men are just horrible victims and black women are just horrible. islandman will not hear you, the only thing he likes to hear is the sound of his own voice!

                    • Islandman

                      @kayo..overall the main reason white men refuse to date BW bcuz BM telling them the stereotypes are true and BW are worthless. Right! Gotcha. The negative perception that White/Asian/Hispanic men have towards BW it’s BM say dude don’t date BW bcuz the stereotypes are true. (hoes,lazy,loud,drama) . Thank god my girl is not mentally screwed up like some of these BM haters

                    • Kayo

                      LOL. Um, okay. I say one thing, and you turn it around to mean whatever you find fitting. Stop, Just stop.

                • Kayo

                  Exactly, BB!



                    • Pitch Black Man

                      Damn Antony would you marry this black man lol because you do make a lot of sense. I feel you and understand you.

                • KIR12

                  If non black men are watching anything about black women on you tube it’s you all fighting pulling each others wigs and weaves off. I suggest you look at the view counts. lmao

                • B

                  You have a point BB. Many of the responses black women post in return is telling black women how beautiful we are because we can’t rely on it to come from nowhere.

            • @MorningRain:disqus So let me make sure i understand your point.Your telling us that black men,a group of ppl with NO POWER,can influence the MOST POWERFUL group of men on the planet`s dating choices.Maybe it`s just me, but if i had that kind of influence my first priority would be to tell the white men to treat us ALL as equals….But that`s just me.

              • Kayo

                Look, I am not going to keep saying the same things over and over because some of you want to play stupid, but I will say it one more time. THERE ARE BLACK MEN WHO SPEW THEIR HATE FOR BLACK WOMEN TO THEIR WHITE COUNTERPARTS, USUALLY MEN (White and other non-Black men) WHO ARE INTERESTED IN DATING BLACK WOMEN OR MEN WHO THEY WANT TO GET THE APPROVAL OF. You are giving White people too much credit by acting as if they aren’t influenced by anyone or anything. And your statement, “Maybe it`s just me, but if i had that kind of influence my first priority would be to tell the white men to treat us ALL as equals….But that’s just me.” goes to show how you feel inferior to White people, which is probably why you think what I am saying is some type of fairytale.

                • The reason you keep saying the same thing over and over is because you think if it`s said enough times it will actually make sense.Listen in case you hadn`t notice,WHITE MEN DO WHATEVER THE F*CK THEY WANT regardless of what ANYONE SAYS.And the ONLY thing he has over me is a social construct that benefits HIM and not ME .My perseverence makes me beneath NO ONE.

                  • Kayo

                    It makes perfect sense, but you and your buddy don’t want for it to be true, so you insist that it isn’t even though the proof is out there! End of discussion.

                    • I`ll let you return to your pity-party.I`ll be with the happy folks.dueces.

                    • Kayo

                      Pity Party? Um, okay, you obviously do NOT understand the definition of that term, because it does not relate to anything I have said here.

                    • Of course there is.You appeared to be frustrated at the fact that you couldn`t convince me of all the issues that the b/m can influence(equal access to education,employment opportunities,health-care,dealings with the law,economic development)the ONLY influence the b/m cares to extend is to discourage w/m from dating ONE OF YOU.That`s halirious.

                    • Kayo

                      What are you talking about? Of course I could not convince you of all the issues that BM can influence, because that was NEVER what I was talking about in the first place, nor did I ever suggest that BM only care to convince WM to not date ‘one of me’. Now, THAT would be hilarious considering that I am not attracted to or date BM.

                    • Oh i get it now.Your whole issue is that non-b/m are not receptive to you,and instead of trying to examine why,you rather just put the blame on b/m.O.k gotcha!

                    • KIR12


                    • EXACTLY!! She never cared about the negative perception of b/w.She only cared about non-b/m not checkin` for HER.I need b/w to understand one thing:NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS BUT YOU.Got it,good.

                    • Kayo

                      Again, this was NEVER about me, and if you actually read AND understood my comments you would see that.

                    • I murdered your argument 3 comments ago. Your agenda has been exposed.No matter how many times you rephrase what you said,I exposed the fact that you have tried to scapegoat b/m for the reasons that non-b/m wont date b/w.And here`s the biggest reason of all that w/m don`t date b/w. You ready?:MAYBE THEY JUST LIKE DATING THEIR OWN KIND!!!SURPRISE!!!!

                    • Kayo

                      You haven’t murdered any argument or exposed any agendas. The only thing you have done is shown how much it anguishes you to even recognize that non-Black men do date and desire Black women. You hate it so much that you have gone as far as to be the voice for White men by stating, “Maybe they just like dating their own kind!” even though there are White men and other non-Black men who do in fact date Black women.

                      Anthony, I need for you to do me a huge favor and stop directing any of your comments to me, because I am tired of seeing your stupidity on my Disqus account.

                    • You have been arguing with me for 2 days about this.Get this:I DON`T CARE WHO DATES WHO.If w/m wanted ALL b/w he`d have ya`ll already.DUH.Now I`M done.STAY OF MY DISQUS ACCOUNT.

                    • Kayo

                      Except, you DON’T get it now, because this was NEVER about me and neither do I have any issues attracting non-Black men.

                    • Divorcing yourself from your own argument.Real clever.I guess it takes the sting out of being called on your own b.s.Nice try.

                    • KIR12

                      The negative perception that white and non black men have of black women is Sapphire (mean), M@m.my (fat, ebonics, ignorant) Jezzebel (whore) and Matriarch (baby mamma) Sorry but these sterotypes were created by WHITE MEN. There are two excellent articles on this. Google “Sapphire black women”. One is by abagond and the other is by arte-sana.

                    • KIR12

                      Sorry but these sterotypes were created by WHITE MEN. There are two excellent articles on this. Google “Sapphire black women”. One is by abagond and the other is by arte-sana.

                    • Kayo

                      Except, I NEVER debated on who created what stereotypes or even talked about specific stereotypes.

                    • KIR12

                      Per Adagond “A study done in 1993 of white American university students showed that nearly all of them saw black women as Sapphires to some degree.” You might want to take a long look in the mirror

                    • KIR12

                      Per Adagond “A study done in 1993 of white American university students showed that nearly all of them saw black women as Sapphires to some degree.” You might want to take a long look in the mirror

                    • Kayo

                      Do you hear that? It is the sound of laughter. I am familiar with your agenda. You have a penchant for posting statistics and studies on Black women’s sites, reiterating how you think no man wants a Black woman and that they are responsible for all of the problem in the BC. GTFOOH!

                    • KIR12

                      Sapphire, (mean) Jezzebel, (loose morals) Mammy, (obese, ignorant, ebonics) Matriarch (baby mamma) These are white men sterotypes of black women and the reason they don’t date black women in large numbers. How am I and black men responsible for that?

                    • the D

                      Madea, Shenehneh, Wanda, et al. All creations of black men. Black men (comedians, rappers, etc.) traffic in and profit from the degradation of black women. These media images are exported all over the world and if you think that they have’nt had a effect you are mistaken. Non- blacks think that “If this is what their own men think about them then it must be true”. Thanks “brothers”, thanks.

                    • KIR12

                      Blame everything on a rapper from a baby baby mamma who has never had 150 bucks in his life who is now being offered millions for negative Gangster rap. Who decides what is played on the radio, TV and movies? And who is the number#1 consumer of Madea? Who is behind L&HH and other ghetto reality shows? Black women and Jews. Trust me if a negative Jewish song or image in a movie was made it would never see the light of day. These young boys have 100 times as many negative black male images in rap. These images do have an effect but it has to be reinforced and cemented by actual interaction with black women or seeing actual fottage of how ghetto black women behave. Search u tube black women fights if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Do black women have any responsibility for their perceived image?

                    • the D

                      First of all “Jews”, really? I won’t even address that.
                      Second, the ” devil” cannot claim your soul unless you willingly sell it to him. Poverty is not an excuse. Plenty of people grow up poor and still manage to have morals and integrity; I did. Yes black women are just as capable of dysfunction as black men, and are just as responsible. However, Black men do have a greater voice and visibility in the media (mainstream and black), and have greater control over the images they project. The fact that they consistantly choose to portray themselves as thugs and us as hoes is sad. But “gotta get that money” right?
                      I will not infantilize and emasculate black men by pretending they have no agency. They like everyone else on earth have choices, make choices, and are responsible for those choices.
                      It’s not just media images. Real-life black men do take it upon themselves to “school” their white “friends” on the “ways” of black women. Describing
                      black women in the most vile terms: Using stereotypes straight out of the white supremecist handbook! So I say again the white man is left to think “If their own men say it…”. Some of those men will decide to see for themselves and sadly some won’t.

                    • KIR12

                      Yes, jews control the media. I’m not a fan of gangster rap. but to think that that is the primary and only reason white men have a problem with black women is a simplistic way of avoiding how black women, as a group, interact with black and non black women and how they interact with black men and on black man men. Everyone can’t be wrong. Black women had these negative images before gangsta rap. Fact

                    • the D

                      I do not know how to respond to this as nothing you’ve said here pertains to what I wrote.
                      Quote: “Yes, black women are just as capable of dysfunction as black men, and are just as responsible.” Seems to me you’re the one who’s oversimplifying.

                    • KIR12

                      Black men are responsible for their image and black women are responsible for their image. That’s why I said your comment was simplistic. Obviously you don’t know nor spend a lot of time around white and non black men

                    • the D

                      I’m glad you were able to come back and edit your statement. The earlier one was a mess.
                      “Obviously” you cannot argue with a bigot. So on that note…

                    • KIR12

                      mobile phone, hun. stop blaming the black man for the image of black women and spend some time around non black men. News flash they made their mind up about black women all by themselves. Then you can talk to me about bigoted. They, as a group, are just not interested in black women.

                    • The reason the b/m is blamed is because he is a conveinient scapegoat.

                    • Kayo

                      Do you hear that? It is the sound of laughter. I am familiar with your agenda. You have a penchant for posting statistics and studies on Black women’s sites, reiterating how you think no man wants a Black woman and that they are responsible for all of the problem in the BC. GTFOOH!

          • MEH

            Have you been on Youtube or Twitter?

            • islandman

              @twitter-49541436:disqus why?

            • KIR12

              If non black men are watching anything about black women on you tube it’s you all fighting pulling each others wigs and weaves off. I suggest you look at the view counts. lmao

          • Violette_Crime

            That they get crazy, burn their clothes on the front lawn, call their supervisors at work to get money paid that’s already been paid as child support or else. With all these “secret letting out sites” (WSHH) and TJSotomayor a lot of races are seeing Black women exposed as rather unsavory characters. Disagree with it but that’s what’s being discussed. Like you said though get to know some real sistas and learn the truth.

        • dumpyoudown

          you sound like a PURE IDIOTIC JACKASS..

      • TX2Hi

        @ISLANDMAN These chinese and filipinos tell everyone out LOUD how wonderful white men are! They are so backward they even say “i wish I was white”. What the book IMFWP did was to tell BW to stop waiting for some black king that is not coming.

    • lalatarea

      This “author”s articles ALWAYS turn into a rant about her and her white husband! I’m sick of reading abt that ish!
      Anyway I think o’toole advise black women to date outside of their race because there ARE so many who are waiting for a good black men that they never think to give any other race of men a chance to seep them off their feet.

      • Kayo

        How can you be sick of reading ‘about that ish’ if you willingly click on articles written by her?

        • Aimee

          I’m not sick of reading her articles, but I have made the observation that the author finds a way to bring up her white husband in almost every article she writes. It just seems kinda strange.

        • Na Na

          You don’t know who wrote an article before you click on it.

      • reader

        Lalatarea….I agree with you! this is firstly not an article, this is word vomit! Secondly..from my experience, waiting on my ‘Huxtuble’ dream, left me chronically single and thinking about buying a cat. She needs to calm down. The advice given to black women is not to ignore black men but to widen the dating pool..which will statistically increase you chances of a good mate, green, purple, pink or blue. No one said that white men were the magic marriage pill. As a recovering ‘ONLY black love sufferer’..I have begun to date men in general and my current interracial relationship is the best I have ever had in my LIFE, however the words ‘never date a black man’ WILL NEVER LEAVE MY LIPS!…although she claims to be nonchalant about her husbands ethnicity this article drips another meaning, she is clearly sensitive about this and venting her frustrations in INCREDIBLE advice.

    • Tyra J.

      STANDING OVATION for you KW! This article is pure foolery and here I am.. feeding into it! SIGH! but I happen to love MN but boy this is a crazy rant!

    • Its very mean spirited and useless


    • A Person

      I’m glad you said it! Hopefully, she’ll read your comment and stop disturbing our peace with her “me and my white husband” rants disguised as articles. She ought to find something to preoccupy herself because she seems to have too much time on her hand; perhaps, her marriage isn’t as fulfilling as she imagined it would be hence the need to harp on about in cyberspace.

      • Kayo

        How is she disturbing your peace when you keep reading her articles? And why do you feel the need to try and insult the author and her marriage because you don’t care for Black women dating interacially?

        • EXACTLY Wonder if “a person has a healthy marraige” ?? they are steadily reading her posts and articles tho.

        • lalatarea


          • Kayo

            A sensible argument or question is always considered trolling by those who aren’t very insightful.

            • lalatarea

              No you attempting to start an argument with someone on EVERY article you commenton makes you a TROLL and PATHETIC!

              • Kayo

                Okay, I’m sorry.

        • Na Na

          This must be Alissa

      • BlackDove8993

        Maybe you should analyze your relationship with black men and see if you are being fore filled, also. To seem to need to keep defending that there is a problem is saying there is a problem with you yourself. I am good enough to be wanted by any man in this world. Next the topic will be why rich men desire poor women as though they should only be allowed to have the worst that society has to offer.

    • IllyPhilly

      Plus one! title was turn off

    • Amija James

      She’s saying that a man is still a man regardless of his race. People do act like if black women date outside of their race they will find the perfect man and will never get dogged again. I have friends who date outside the race and men are still men.

    • LISA C


      • UNITY

        I SOOO AGREE!!! Who said wanting to date an AFRICAN AMERICAN/BLACK man is wrong! Doesn’t more white people date their OWN people? Doesn’t more Hispanic people date their OWN people? Doesn’t more Indian people date their OWN people? So, why is there a problem with AFRICAN AMERICAN couples wanting to marrying/date each other! Sometimes, I do not understand US as a people! I think sometimes, we look for other answers, or other things to help “suit” us when we have to look within ourselves, and ask the question: Am I really in love with this person? Am I dating and/or marrying this person for looks? Do I have insecurities within myself which is the reason I’m dating someone who doesn’t look like me? OR Am I marrying/dating this person because I’m DEEPLY in love with that person? This is something that should be asked because there are a lot of cases where people married and date based on looks, and insecurities. Sometimes, people just want to date and/or marry someone who they can relate to which there is DEFINITELY nothing wrong with that! Sometimes, some people from other races do have DEEP love for each other and there is nothing wrong with that either. The only thing that I ask from MY people is to appreciate and understand the ancestry of where we come from! TEACH those individuals who they are dating and/or marrying, African American history and ancestry! There are many interracial (African American/white families; African American/Hispanic families…etc) who do not know the HISTORICAL FACTORS of African American culture; WE as individuals don’t fully understand US as a culture either! UNITY is what we need as a PEOPLE!!! In order to understand who we are, and where we come from, WE MUST HAVE UNITY!!!!

    • Agreed!!!!


    • karolyn

      Yes…what a self-serving, obnoxious article. She’s only worried about good PR for her marriage and screw other black women’s problems.

  • ImJustSayn

    WHATEVER!!! I personally do hope black women date outside their race, black men do it with nooooooooo problem, in a heart beat and the second a black women does it, it’s a big problem, a trend as you call it etc. I’m not trying to hear that crap! Date outside your race black women, be open to something new, you may find what you been looking for!

    • EXACTLY!!!

    • dumpyoudown

      you’re a Filthy Pig.. in fact.. Swine

      • Right Back Atcha

        It ain’t that deep! Calm down and stop with the name calling.

  • Kayo

    “I don’t like the fact that these women (and men) are out here encouraging Black women to date outside of their race like it’s a fad, a trend or even a novel idea. I don’t like it because then it makes it seem like women (like me) who happened to be married to someone of a different race did so because that’s the popular advice of today.”

    But that isn’t what she is doing, and if there are people thinking that you being married to someone of a different race is because of popular advice, then that isn’t your fault.

    • MEH

      If you’re happily married it shouldn’t matter what other people think about your marriage or their presumptions about why you are together. Shouldn’t matter to you.

      • Kayo

        Being happy about anything in life doesn’t make one exempt of being annoyed by critics.

  • rita

    Who is we? MN is one of the top (if not the top) sites for black women on the net. If you all think it is so important to stop encouraging BW to date interracially, you shouldn’t feature IR dating stories. To your credit, you’ve eased up on them over the past few months. But bringing up this “controversy” is yet another way of bringing up the issue.

    From my perspective, it seems silly to place a burden on BW to start dating interracially. For a variety of socio-cultural reasons that permeate all of society (segregation between races, racism, glorification of non-black images in the media, etc.), many if not most BW do not like dating interracially, and particularly distrust and/or are not attracted to WM. Instead of changing society, we expect BW who do not currently want to date IR to turn on a dime and be like, “yay interracial relationships!” It’s silly and unfair.

  • 70% of black women between the ages of 23 and 29 have not been married. Same for Black men. Geez.

    • KIR12

      Women can’t do everything men do. Today 31 percent of African American women by their early forties have never married as compared to only 9 percent of White, 11 percent of Asian , and 12 percent of Latino women in the same age group. Those are childbearing years. Which means most every black kid is not going to have a father in the home. Black baby daddies and their baby mammas almost always break up.