Dating An Insecure Man: Why It Just Won’t Work

August 10th, 2012 - By Erica Renee

My last dating situation was probably one of the worst. In the past I have dealt with a cheating ex who tried to justify his doggish behavior.  Honestly I didn’t think any relationship, past or future, could get any worse than that until a few months ago when I dated an insecure man.

Chris* looked good on paper. He was intelligent, ambitious, and had a promising career that paid him extremely well. He had great conversation, opened doors, was considerate, and liked to talk about feelings. I soon learned that even I, as a woman, didn’t like talking about feelings as much as he did. Probably because his feelings were accusations targeted towards me.

He snooped my Facebook page (yes, this grown man), interrogated me about childhood guy friends, and even questioned my ‘feelings’ when I didn’t respond back to his calls in what he considered a reasonable amount of time. According to him, I didn’t show that I cared enough and every guy besides him was the person I really wanted to be with.

The first time the jealous accusations occurred I shook them off, partly flattered that he didn’t mind showing he cared. Silly, I know. But the second time when he stalked my Facebook wall picking out posts from guys who had written me before he and I even began dating, I knew I wasn’t in a healthy situation.

After this, our relationship went downhill. If I made a nice comment about another man, he said I didn’t compliment him enough. If I talked about guy coworkers in an innocent manner, he questioned my relationship with them. And if I didn’t answer the phone when he called, he immediately accused me of cheating. These accusations came in the form of long text messages telling me how inconsiderate I was and how I didn’t make him feel wanted.

Insecure men come in all disguises, but most share the common traits of appearing sensitive and caring. To most women a caring man who listens is a hot commodity; but it quickly changes when his insecure traits take over the relationship.

In the article “Is It Love, Or Insecurity?” psychologist Joseph Nowenski, highlights some traits of an insecure man. These include a need for constant reassurance and approval, distrustful, smothering behavior (basically he wants to be with you all day, everyday). In addition, most insecure men are jealous or possessive.

Chris possessed all of these traits. And while I shunned them off initially, it didn’t’ take long to realize his caring and sensitive ways were partly due to him being insecure. A caring man is something that I wanted, but an insecure man, not so much.

This scary excuse of a relationship lasted about three months before I realized that my nerves and sanity were at stake because of his lack of trust and enormous level of insecurity. He accused me so much at times I almost thought I was cheating. I ended the relationship quickly, but not without learning a valuable lesson. Dating an insecure man, especially one who doesn’t consider himself insecure, is like watching a relationship die a slow, painful death. Basically, it just won’t work. Dating an insecure man is like saying “nerves, I don’t care about you and sanity, I don’t need you in my life.”

According to Nowenski, dating an insecure man is like a bottomless pit that might just drain you of every drop of love you possess. My translation: dating an insecure man can drive you crazy.

While most people possess some level of insecurity, problems arise when a person’s level of insecurity affects the majority of the relationship. You  can tell an insecure man you love him, but he questions why. You may say that you’re tired and would like to go to sleep. He assumes you’re just not attracted to him anymore. Nothing you can say or do will make an excessively insecure man, secure. It’s a waste of time, effort, and energy. And normally the person who ends up drained, will be you.

From my last situation, I quickly learned that everything else could be great about a man; but insecurity will more than likely overshadow it all.

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  • syleishere

    Reading this article I would have to say it is to 1 sided. I have heard women say these types of things way to many times to know there is something she is hiding. Even insecure guys can be secure if the woman is not doing anything to make them feel insecure to begin with. A woman who actually cared about a man, would also seek counseling for this person instead of leaving him flat on his face, that is what people who love each other do. I believe the writer could possibly be the insecure person and make her partner into a codependant sharing the same traits. I would have to ask if someone is snooping email or facebook, that you must have done something to make him feel jealous or betrayed him in some way or he really does need counselling since this is not normal behavior. I have dated enough women to know right away when a woman starts accusing someone of being insecure/jealous type, they are generally the ones with the insecurities and cover them by blaming their partners. I think we need a reply from the man at this point to his defence on the issue to give a good analysis. The last point that does not make sense in this, is with my phone or facebook, I could care less if my partner was reading my things, so what is she hiding…

  • Dan

    I’m sorry but the rationale a lot of you ladies give is just mind blowing. A lot of you need to look in the mirror and ask yourselves why you are ending up with guys that do this because I’m sure you’re not all perfect angels and are giving these guys some reasonable doubt about your intentions in the relationship. I dated a girl for 5 months who constantly told lies but I believed her out of blind hope. I friended her on Facebook and from time to time she would get tagged with a guy named Alex at a movie or a fest. I would question her and she would tell me that it was a friend and she was there with other friends too. Turns out it was her ex boyfriend and she was cheating. I was suspicious throughout the whole relationship because deep down I knew the truth. I did Facebook “stalk” (as if thats even such a thing..anything is public knowledge on Facebook) her because she gave me a reason to suspect she was up to no good, and surprise, surprise …she was indeed up to no good. So before you go and criticize all men, you should look at your own behaviors. I’m not saying there aren’t some psycho guys out there, but a lot if times it’s you women who make us this way. It isn’t being a guy in today’s world..especially when it comes to dating. Especially because of Facebook. If you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t be commented how good a guy looks, or going to dinner with guy “friends”. Honestly some of you just need to grow up and stop blaming men for everything.

  • humanizer

    This guys sounds a little over the top. I dated a woman who was just as insecure…she went through all my stuff, not really sure what she was looking for. But to be honest you all sound a little mean…and reek of a double standard. Sure you want your man to be honest and caring, but if you treat men like sh*t, the secure ones will leave you and if they have any insecurity at all, you will be bringing a world of pain onto them and yourself. Read the book “Attached”…

  • Guest

    I swear when I finished reading this article I wondered had I started dating “Chris” right after this 3 month relationship ended. Unfortunately, I ignored the signs and started to believe I had the problem. Now I’m engaged and pregnant to “Chris”.

  • Lostmyfriend

    I’m pretty sure my sister in law has hooked up with this same kind of man. She left a 24yr marriage to go be with this freak. Im sure he was real attentive,loving, smooth talking, and extremely charming. HE promised her the world and his love and even wants to marry her all within the 6 months she was cheating with him. NOw that she has left and is living with him, she has NO contact with any family or friends and barely even calls her 18yro daughter or mother for that fact. Its like she just walked out of her own life and left everyone who loved and cared for her behind. SHe has abandoned everyone to be with this man. I call it crazy. She has made reference to how jealous and insecure he was. I fear for her safety, but she will not talk to anyone. I think he has cut her off from those that love her and is holding her hostage. Is there anything we can do to get through to her.

  • Pingback: Insecure man | Lunchtrac

  • Eboni

    This is so true. Please ladies run when you meet men with these traits! There’s something wrong! http://www.singleplusdating/free-report/

  • MLS2698

    Ha! My ex-husband once started looking in a hanging flower pot we had in our tiny apartment when we first got married; claimed that I may have put a phone # of a man there ( huh?). After I finished cursing him out, he stated that he had aunts (his mama too, but he didn’t want to acknowledge it) who always cheated, and thought I was doing the same. I explained that I could care less about what those BISHES did, and he needs to check himself. It took about seven years for him to stop being jealous; and here is the catch: he ended up cheating years later…..must be genetic.

  • Erika

    OMG! I went through this and it was CRAZY! We were on and off for about 3 years. Oh wait… theres more… He was my first and I ended up having a baby by him. My son is now almost 6 and he is a deadbeat and STILL is very insecure even though we havent been together in 3 years. A couple of years ago I decided that I did not want absolutely nothing to do with him. I did not want to have any type of communication or money from him. I just wanted him to disappear! Because of him I have been single ever since (3 years and counting). I thoroughly learned my lesson!!!!

    • Chelsea

      What made you realize it was time to get out. and how does that affect your sons relationship with his father if you don’t mind me asking. I am currently in the same situation we have been together for about 5 years now. And it has been an emotional roller coaster.

      • Erika

        I realized that it was time to move on when I was constantly stressed out and unhappy. No woman should ever sacrifice her well being for a man thats not even worth her time. No man should ever make you feel unworthy. There is a such thing called emotional abuse. When you waste your time with people like this, you miss out on opportunities of finding a REAL man and also you miss out on your own happiness. My son’s relationship with him is almost non-existent (he sees him around 2 to 3 times a year). I felt like he was a bad influence on him anyway. Breaking up with him may hurt in the beginning, but as time goes on your confidence will soar. Afterwhile you’ll be like WTH was I thinking? LOL

  • Adrina

    It is the worst relationship you could ever be in. After mine ended, I stayed single for a long time because it literally drained me. And not to mention, I was going through a death in the family, bad career, and he didn’t give a damn. He was the worst and knew he was insecure. He figured because he didn’t cheat, he was automatically a good man. I’m glad it’s over. And he was hard to get rid of. ugh

    • Sevn

      Wow, so many similarities! I started to think I was crazy or mean for telling myself it was the worst relationship I’ve been in but seeing the posts, the majority felt the same way. That’s good you took some time off and I’m sure the guy who is meant for you will come to you soon.

    • Chelsea

      That’s the same exact way the guy I’m currently with thinks. I honestly thought I was the crazy one in the relationship because he is soo good to me when I have absolutely nothing going for me. He loves the fact that I don’t speak to friends or go out also. This is a huge eye opener.

  • eestoomuch@aol.com

    my last “relationship” was with a guy who had mommy AND daddy issues. he told me his mother had passed then he told me his father was dead too…then he said his father was “dead to him”…who lies about death…? dude, take your meds!

  • http://twitter.com/Normally_Weird driven

    i’ve learned that insecurity comes in different forms, and manifest itself in different kinds of situations. i dated an insecure man too. he was great all around, but was afraid of commitment because he was hurt before. that lead to strange behavior that confused me and drove me crazy.

  • urightonthis

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    IF YOU STRUGGLING WITH THAT CREDIT HISTORY ISHH, GET RID OF ALL DAT TODAY – CALL THESE AMAZING PROS AT 877-243-0956 . THEY DID AMAZING WORK FOR ME AND WILL DO EVEN BETTER FOR YOU. AND THEY ARE CHEAP AS HELLL FOR WHAT THEY DO. GOT RID OF ALL MY SHYYT IN NO TIME.

    MY HOMEGIRL HAD SOME TERRIBLE CRE DIT ISSUES TOO AND SHE GOT CLEAN TOO. SHE IS GETTING A CONDO RIGHT NOW.

    HIT EM UP – THEY WILL DEFINITELY HELP YOU OUT!!!

    • Really?

      I’m getting tired of seeing this comment on every story. Since you got your credit straight, why not pay all of our bills too so you can stop posting! Oh, and I’ll need to borrow the Camaro Tuesday….

      • Kay

        Lmfaoooooooko dead

  • http://blackonpurpose.blogspot.com/ gryph

    wait…but but wait? is that a white guy in the pic? what the hell? aren’t all things swirl perfect and redemptive?! this is visual BLASPHEMY!!! why are you spreading such LIES?!!

    • Kay

      Pure ignorance

      • RJA

        I wanna thank u!!!!

      • http://blackonpurpose.blogspot.com/ gryph

        yes. i’ve been working on my formula. glad i’m approaching 100%. takes A LOT of knowledge and hard work to be perfectly ignorant. i do though think i have a bit to learn from you though.

        • Kay

          No I think you’ve learned enough on your own

          • http://blackonpurpose.blogspot.com/ gryph

            the fact that you have insight to make that observation suggest that you are my superior. i humbly sit at the feet of master kay until she promises to teach me the ways of ignorance.

            • Kay

              I never said I was your
              superior, I just wanted to let you know that statement was ignorant. That is all ,Now Good Day Sir.

              • http://blackonpurpose.blogspot.com/ gryph

                how dare you call me sir when my rightful title is lord?! your every word is a trespass against me, kay. any how making a statement, or in your case a decree, without any evidence suggests superiority.

                • Kay

                  Wow..

                  • http://blackonpurpose.blogspot.com/ gryph

                    it gets better

  • Sevn

    Omg…I am currently getting out of this relationship, but imagine your 3 months of the situation being 3 years! I finally made up in my mind (not heart) that I cannot go through the vicious cycle, back and forth anymore and I am a shell of a person now. That’s what happens when you give more and more to a person that is insecure, jealous and possessive…they take it and still need more of your attention. You end up being emotionally broke. They’ll look through your cell, facebook (even though i’m not up there, jus saying), stalk, ask you about guys at your job, accuse you of cheating regularly, etc. just to find something to make them feel better. It’s gonna take alot and I’m going to go to support group counseling to talk to women who have gone through what I’ve been through. I had someone who is like a second mom tell me this…You can get everything back except your life.

    • Adrina

      MIne was 3 years too! It’s been 4 years since it’s been over…

  • Lucky_charm2976

    I am currently out of my insecure relationship but if I tell ya that was the worse 9 months of my life and not to mention I almost lost my life at the hands of the shell of a man. When you are so insecure that you imagine different scenarios, stalk, chase, intimidate and control because of your insecurities that is not healthy you should probably go seek some kind of help. As a woman, its in our nature to love…but when love is taken and abused this way, something in you is lost.

  • genii love

    I LITERALLY just went thru this. only mine lasted almost 7 or 8 months. its horrible! It drains every ounce of your energy having to constantly reassure someone that you aren’t doing anything outside the relationship. it was exhausting. having to always explain the relationships of every person I contacted or recieved a cal/text from. If i wanted any bit of privacy..it was only because I was seeing another man (according to him) not because i felt like i was being smothered and needed to be alone for a few hours to just….i dunno…BREATHE. I had to literally turn of my phone so i wouldnt get flooded with texts that went from “i love you so much” and quickly turned to “i need you, why are you doing this to me!? I hope whoever you are with is worth it”
    INSANE

  • Piecana

    FYI that doggish man in your previous relationship was probably really insecure too…. His insecurities were just expressed in a different way :/

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