My last dating situation was probably one of the worst. In the past I have dealt with a cheating ex who tried to justify his doggish behavior. Honestly I didn’t think any relationship, past or future, could get any worse than that until a few months ago when I dated an insecure man.
Chris* looked good on paper. He was intelligent, ambitious, and had a promising career that paid him extremely well. He had great conversation, opened doors, was considerate, and liked to talk about feelings. I soon learned that even I, as a woman, didn’t like talking about feelings as much as he did. Probably because his feelings were accusations targeted towards me.
He snooped my Facebook page (yes, this grown man), interrogated me about childhood guy friends, and even questioned my ‘feelings’ when I didn’t respond back to his calls in what he considered a reasonable amount of time. According to him, I didn’t show that I cared enough and every guy besides him was the person I really wanted to be with.
The first time the jealous accusations occurred I shook them off, partly flattered that he didn’t mind showing he cared. Silly, I know. But the second time when he stalked my Facebook wall picking out posts from guys who had written me before he and I even began dating, I knew I wasn’t in a healthy situation.
After this, our relationship went downhill. If I made a nice comment about another man, he said I didn’t compliment him enough. If I talked about guy coworkers in an innocent manner, he questioned my relationship with them. And if I didn’t answer the phone when he called, he immediately accused me of cheating. These accusations came in the form of long text messages telling me how inconsiderate I was and how I didn’t make him feel wanted.
Insecure men come in all disguises, but most share the common traits of appearing sensitive and caring. To most women a caring man who listens is a hot commodity; but it quickly changes when his insecure traits take over the relationship.
In the article “Is It Love, Or Insecurity?” psychologist Joseph Nowenski, highlights some traits of an insecure man. These include a need for constant reassurance and approval, distrustful, smothering behavior (basically he wants to be with you all day, everyday). In addition, most insecure men are jealous or possessive.
Chris possessed all of these traits. And while I shunned them off initially, it didn’t’ take long to realize his caring and sensitive ways were partly due to him being insecure. A caring man is something that I wanted, but an insecure man, not so much.
This scary excuse of a relationship lasted about three months before I realized that my nerves and sanity were at stake because of his lack of trust and enormous level of insecurity. He accused me so much at times I almost thought I was cheating. I ended the relationship quickly, but not without learning a valuable lesson. Dating an insecure man, especially one who doesn’t consider himself insecure, is like watching a relationship die a slow, painful death. Basically, it just won’t work. Dating an insecure man is like saying “nerves, I don’t care about you and sanity, I don’t need you in my life.”
According to Nowenski, dating an insecure man is like a bottomless pit that might just drain you of every drop of love you possess. My translation: dating an insecure man can drive you crazy.
While most people possess some level of insecurity, problems arise when a person’s level of insecurity affects the majority of the relationship. You can tell an insecure man you love him, but he questions why. You may say that you’re tired and would like to go to sleep. He assumes you’re just not attracted to him anymore. Nothing you can say or do will make an excessively insecure man, secure. It’s a waste of time, effort, and energy. And normally the person who ends up drained, will be you.
From my last situation, I quickly learned that everything else could be great about a man; but insecurity will more than likely overshadow it all.
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