The Good Guy Allergies: Why Is It That Good Guys Bore Me?

August 9th, 2012 - By Valerie J Charles

I think I’m allergic to good men. Okay, a doctor has not and may not be able to diagnose me with this condition, but its how I feel. Even though I am on a self-imposed break from all things men, it doesn’t help that men are still coming around as if I have an “Open For Business” sign plastered on my head. And it is not just any kind of men who are knocking on my proverbial glass door — it’s the good guys.

Before I continue with my assessment, it’s best that I define just exactly what constitutes a good guy for me. He is the kind who tends to be shy, quiet, and a bit reserved. He would walk to the ends of the Earth for you, asking nothing in return for his sojourn. Even if you would not be able to reciprocate his sentiments, he would not verbally push you on it  — he’d just try harder to win you over. He’s the kind of guy who’s nature doesn’t lend itself to the abandonment of passion and spontaneity. In other words, he’s the guy your mother would love for you to bring home; the kind of fellow whose actions you can predict miles before he even thinks of them himself.

So yes, I suppose the way Picasso went through his Blue phase I am now going through my good guy phase. If it sounds as if I am lamenting this, it’s because I am. No, I am not the kind of girl who looks for “bad boys,” the Stevie-J type who needs intense rehabilitation. But, there are traits that I need in my men such as lightheartedness and an unconstrained, natural easiness about themselves that most good guys I have met do not embody.

Since they are the ones who are paying me mind these days, I have tried to give them a chance — to no avail. Their sweetness is endearing. The fact that they seem genuinely interested in my work is enough to make me seek a second date out of curiosity. But, as much as I may try, I just can’t bring myself to liking them. I get bored easily, and they usually have a monotony that leaves me drowsy. We’ve heard the cliche saying, “Like those who like you”….yeah, it ain’t that easy when spending time with them makes you feel like a toddler in church.

There is a great part of me that wishes the storied good guy was my type, and I am guessing that it is coming from guilt more than anything else. It’s hard not to kick yourself in the shins when a great guy is doing everything to please you, and you’re just wishing they’d move on to the next woman. I suppose that it is true that just because a man is good, doesn’t mean he is good for you. And no, I do not generally believe that good guys finish last — but around these parts, that just may be the sign I need to put up to leave the phase I am currently in.

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  • Jimmy

    Don’t worry. You’ll get over this—when you’re 44 and can’t get a date with any man under 65. These things work themselves out.

  • http://twitter.com/futuresatellite Z

    I really would like a definition of what your idea of boring is first but…I’ll say this…. Maybe the nice guys think they’re special by being nice since it seems most men think women generally go after the ‘bad guy’. Maybe nice guys take for granted that they actually have to bring more to the table than being congenial. They don’t feel like they have to be compatible with you they just feel like they have to please you in every way possible except for stimulating you mentally and connecting with you on a personal level. That’s the classic “nice guy” problem.

    I personally think when it comes to dating boredom is usually a case of non-compatibility. I think that’s just it, you’re meeting nice guys that just aren’t compatible with you.So maybe you’ll eventually meet a nice guy that you can be lighthearted with and shares your humor and is essentially a friend.

    • http://www.thecobraslair.com Cobra

      I actually think women should just be honest. As the poster said above,

      ” I think part of it is that women under 29 feel they are in their
      “prime years” and have all the time in the world to find a “good guy”
      and now they want to party.

      The “good guy” represents no excuses. No excuse not to settle down
      and enjoy a good relationship, exactly what these type of women DO NOT
      WANT.”

      Women can get sex anytime and anywhere, even the so called “plain ones.” Unless that nice guy is 6’4″ and stacking large, there’s absolutely no reason for women who want to “have fun” to settle on him. Junebug and Ray-Ray are more exciting and they won’t feel bad about dumping them later.

      –Cobra

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

    The author is basically saying she likes drama. I’m guessing she’s under the age of 29? Usually past that age, mature women are BEGGING to meet “good guys”. I think part of it is that women under 29 feel they are in their “prime years” and have all the time in the world to find a “good guy” and now they want to party.

    The “good guy” represents no excuses. No excuse not to settle down and enjoy a good relationship, exactly what these type of women DO NOT WANT. They seek out the exciting, mysterious, drama-filled guy precisely because they know the relationship will not last. But it’s exciting and she’ll have lots of stories to tell her girlfriends, which is what she wants.

  • Aurora Kaye

    In my experience, even the nice ones are not nice to plain looking women. I have tried to look my best and I have approached them and even had a positive attitude and high self-esteem and they look at me like they never want to see me again. I’m 37 years old and never had a true love in my whole life.

    • FStubbs

      Two problems I detect right in your statement:

      The men should approach you. It’s tough for men, since women can and will cut you up on approach, but the good ones will respond in kind. If you’re a good woman, put yourself in position to be approached instead of being the approacher.

      Second problem: Why do you think you’re “plain” looking? You mean there’s nothing you can hang your hat on? Nothing at all? Men tend to be pretty variant in what they find attractive.

    • applesauce585

      My thoughts on your situation you need to turn off your “DESPERATION Radar” men can sniff out desperation a mile away!
      Just be you! Not what you think a man want. You will one day draw the right guy to you, by just being yourself believe it or not men like “authenticity.” Keep your heart open for “love” and it will happen. Best to you!

    • http://www.thecobraslair.com Cobra

      Disagree. Most plain looking sisters I know lust after the same ballers, players and macks that the “hot” sisters do. They might CLAIM to want otherwise, but that’s not the case in reality.

      –Cobra

  • Chanda

    The author should be grateful that she attracts these good guy types because some sistas only attract thug types. But just because they look boring on the surface doesn’t necessarily mean they are. You don’t know what he’s like behind closed doors, he could be the freakiest one of them all. Don’t let them fool ya, oh no! They always say you have to watch out for us (I’m a female) quiet types.

  • neema

    *sighs* where do you find these good men? please send some my way coz all i seem to attract is of the trashcan variety!

  • Kinismos

    Why Is It That Good Guys Bore Me?

    Probably because you’re shallow and immature.

    There now, wasn’t that easy?

  • Anndrex

    I think the author needs to change her terminology. Good guy and boring guy are not synonymous. I understand what she mean, but she has fallen into the trap the good/bad stereotypes. I want a charismatic, funny, outgoing, spontaneous guy. Lot of guys who fit this description are the ruffneck type. However, I don’t believe that being a ruffneck makes you a “bad”guy. In the same way that being quiet, shy and reserved doesn’t make you a “good” guy. A boring walk-all-over-me kind of guy would not be a good guy for me. He may be a good person, but not someone that I’d like to date. And most importantly, being a good person does not make you a great mate for every one. Compatibility is the key.

  • WhoMe

    If you’re bored then you’re boring

  • relationshipdna

    So many of us don’t realize why we’re attracted to the men we’re attracted to or why we love the way we do. It’s so typical of us to expect others to deliver the happiness we seek and then wonder why we can’t seem to “stay” happy.

    If you want adventure and passion, then be adventurous and passionate. As long as the next “good guy” you meet is up for the ride, then he can join you. You can’t just want it, you have to already have it within yourself.There’s no need to wait for it to happen, make it happen for yourself. The universe or God only gives you what you truly seek out.

    I wish you luck in love.

    • CarlaKah

      I agree with you.

    • Daisy

      “So many of us don’t realize why we’re attracted to the men we’re attracted to or why we love the way we do”<<<——————-ALL OF THIS!!!!!!!

  • Fresh45

    Women like this usually end up bitter,alone,or in a bad relationship with a guy that she had gave that “good guy a chance”. If they’re black, she’s the chick complaining about the brother being with a white girl or some other none black woman.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=536872959 Aaron T. Starks

      Nail, meet head. Sistas that constantly reject “good black men” are the first to complain when they see that same brotha with a white girl. He tried to get with you but he was “corny” or had no “swagga” or no “game”. Now he’s with a white girl that accepts him for who he is and now he’s a “sell-out” and “can’t handle a strong black woman”.

      Rinse, repeat.

  • lady85

    There are good guys who aren’t “lame guys” the trouble is that one tends to masquerade as the other.

  • Nope

    Most men can name on one finger how many funny women they know.

    • Fresh45

      That’s extremely true.

    • Kayo

      That isn’t because women aren’t funny. It is because men don’t think women are funny and are far more likely to value humor from men than women.

    • IJS

      That’s because men relate better to other men than they do to women. If a (mature) man doesn’t find a woman funny, it’s probably because he doesn’t relate to her sense of humor or personal experiences. Personally, two of the funniest comedians (man or woman) I know are Sheryl Underwood and Dominique, and I’m a guy. I also have at least 3 very funny friends who are women.

  • Kayo

    “He is the kind who tends to be shy, quiet, and a bit reserved.”

    Okay, but there are many guys who have these traits and some of them turn out to be murderers and what not.

  • JustSayin

    well.. We may need to trade places. Because; hood and drama filled dudes bore me. I have to sit back and just watch the drama and I end up changing the channel. If anything… men like Stevie J or Benzino (seriously; he is back in the game?) are making me realize that I’m not “about that life.” The ish is old and I refuse… I REFUSE to allow a drama filled relationship be my only source of entertainment. A good guy is awesome because they seek adventure in other ways outside of bringing you drama. I don’t do good with the indecisive, no commitment and deranged man that I can “hopefully” one day change into the same exact good man that I’m throwing away. Not sure if that gives this author some sort of trophy once she makes one of these hood dudes settle but typically if they do settle, they settle for someone who is just like them. Someone who wants to put up with their drama filled lives. That definitely ain’t me.

    • JaneDoe

      I am def with you on that

      • KIR12

        YOUNG, I said YOUNG, attractive to average looking physically fit black women are the most pursued women in this country. I’ve been saying this for years. Not all but, a lot….. the majority, of the women complaining about “there are no good men” didn’t really want a good man when they were in their twenty’s and early thirty’s. Once they get over 35 and have put on a few pounds or over 30 with a kids they all then want a good guy. The tables have by then turned and he doesn’t want them. Who’s fault is that? Should you blame the good guy or your ignorance and immaturity for wanting a bad boy when you were in your physical prime?

        Bottom line any woman who still has a preference for thugs and bad boys post high school is probably going to end up on the short end of the stick.

        • CarlaKah

          BS.

        • IJS

          Preach!

        • Kay

          Ignorance

        • Ms. Nee

          They aren’t just young. Stop with the bias.

    • Sco*

      Real talk KIR12…..

  • NSimonefan

    To the author: could you be confusing good guy with boring? There are good guys with exciting personalities, and there are unpredictable guys with boring personalities. I heard one person say that in some cases, if a person is bored in a relationship it is because “they” are boring, not the other person. What are you bringing to these relationships to make them exciting

  • http://profiles.yahoo.com/u/V6O2EBOSDDIC3EESW3JS22OYWA Vic

    Does the author consider herself ” entertaining”? What makes her not boring? A lot of males are definitely bored ( to death!) by some females , but never utter a word about it .

    • Nope

      Good point. Many women want to be amazed by men, yet they bring little to nothing to the party. And most women are pretty generic the first few dates.

      • Kayo

        Many men want to be amazed by women, yet they bring little to nothing to the party. And most men are pretty generic the first few dates.

        • FStubbs

          I’ll one up the both of you. Most women and men are generic PERIOD. Here’s the difference: women are not attracted to generic men. The 4-5 guys every woman wants will take a generic woman in a heartbeat. For awhile, anyway.

          • Kayo

            Actually, there is no one upping here. My comment was to show that both women and men can be ‘generic’, whatever that is supposed to mean. What is a ‘generic’ woman or man anyway?

            • FStubbs

              Somebody who, in your eyes and the eyes of most people, is nondescript and nothing special.

    • Fresh45

      That’s what I want to know. A lot of women seem to think its just the man’s job to bring excitement to the relationship.

    • Kayo

      A lot of male cheetahs are bored (to death!) by some female cheetahs, but never utter a word about it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=114700197 Ramal Johnson

    It’s not that good guys are boring–it’s that they’re not needy.
    Women have been raised to be supportive, and if many of them come acros a guy who is stable, employed, intelligent, sensible, etc., then the woman feels he doesn’t need her as much as a man who has an unstable and unpredictable lifestye. Unfortunately, many women mistake neediness for love. That is, “Since he needs my help, that means he loves me.”
    But these needy man aren’t interested in becoming self-sufficient. They know if they become self-sufficient, the woman will no longer be interested in doing everything for him and he’ll have to face the r-word: responsibility.
    Lastly, this is yet another case of a woman wanting a man who wants stable, unpredictable man. He doesn’t exist.

    • Samuel

      Great points. A lot of women need to ‘fix’ men. They’ll give unsolicited advice and embed themselves into a man’s life to make him ‘better’. Let a woman tell it and her man didn’t know how to wipe his own @ss or tie his shoes until she came into her life.

    • chinlahdin

      Bro you hit the nail on the head.

      However I disagree with this: “Lastly, this is yet another case of a woman wanting a man who wants stable, unpredictable man. ”

      I think stable and unpredictable can go hand in hand in some sense. In really all in how you approach thins.

  • kierah

    If you want a good guy, yet you define a good guy as “boring”, you’re not ready for a good guy. You’ll only eff up the relationship so keep dating the losers until you step up your game.
    Water seeks its own level.

    • relationshipdna

      Love this. Couldn’t have said it any better.

    • FStubbs

      Problem is, by the time she’s ready for a “good guy”, she’s all used up having slept around town with the same 4-5 “playas” a good deal of the other women are also sleeping with and saying “there are no good guys”.

      • Kayo

        That’s right. Women aren’t allowed to sleep with more than one man in their life time. (Sarcasm ON)

  • Dot

    Perhaps subconsciously you like men who have a bit of mystery, unpredictability and who cause drama? Do you feel that you truly deserve a good man? It’s best to go within and find out why good guys just don’t cut it with you. It all boils down to YOU!

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