My Dating Life: The Wannabe Rapper, The “Successful” Black Man and Other Frogs That Preceded My Prince

Guy With a Boat– Guy With a Boat is a cousin of the Successful Black Man. Maybe he doesn’t have a boat. Maybe he has his own business, or a law degree from Georgetown. Whatever the case, this man is a high-roller of sorts, and he’s kind of a big deal, and he knows it, so he can’t let you feel too important. That’s why he’ll text you and ask how you are, and when you respond and ask how he’s doing, he’ll never answer back. Or he’ll invite you for a romantic night on his boat and shower you with attention for 12 hours, then promptly forget you exist until the next summons to his floating chamber of love. He may even tell you a story about his really bad breakup four years ago, and how his heart has become an icy shell of pain and despair since then, and how he longs for the day that he can find a way to break through the anguish and learn to love again. But he’s most likely just feeding you lines to keep you around. For Guy With a Boat, it’s about maintaining control and power; the world is his chess game, and you’re just another pawn. He wants you there on his terms, and when he has more important things to tend to, like his boat, he’ll toss you overboard without a second thought.

Borderline Stalker –You know this man. You met him somewhere and had a nice conversation, and maybe a decent date, and then things got all kinds of creepy. Maybe you casually mentioned you were going to an album release party one night, and when you walked in to said party there he was, waiting for you by the door and thanking you for inviting him, even though you never did. After exchanging pleasantries you headed downstairs, where you met up with a male friend and Borderline Stalker proceeded to stare the two of you down all night – that is, until you decided to sneak out the back of the club for your own safety. Since then, there have been multiple unanswered phone calls and two denied Facebook friend requests. He may have even called you from a private number at 1 am because he knew you wouldn’t answer if his real number showed up on caller ID. Whatever the case, Borderline Stalker is inappropriate, disturbingly thirsty and, unlike the rest of the men on this list, way too available. He’s everywhere all the time, even though he barely knows you, and his behavior ensures that he won’t be getting to know you better anytime soon.

Weed Smoking Backpacker – The Weed Smoking Backpacker is usually high, and always carrying a backpack that is stuffed with a variety of mystery items, including his weed. He’s nice, he’s smart and he loves hip-hop, just like you. You’ll probably take him to a Wu-Tang Clan concert, where you’ll both wait anxiously by Wu’s tour buses after the show and hope to snap a picture with RZA. This Man might even invite you to a cookout with some of his closest friends, and you might think the relationship is progressing. But it’s not. Because you’ll be the one driving to the cookout – he doesn’t have a car– and he’ll be too busy rolling a blunt to smoke on the way down even though you’ve politely asked him not to smoke around you because you quit a long time ago. At the cookout, he’ll hit on a tall, blond bimbo while you’re roughly 15 feet away, because he’ll be too high to realize it’s inappropriate. The Weed-Smoking Backpacker might be good company at a rap concert, but unfortunately he’s too busy existing in a haze of weed smoke and oblivion to be relationship material.

Are you familiar with any of these men? Sound off in the comments.

Lauren Carter is a Boston-based writer who covers music, culture and race. Follow her on Twitter @ByLaurenCarter.