My Ex Just Wants Custody Out of Spite

May 21st, 2012 - By madamenoire

Source: queerty.com

From Your Tango.com

Expert Shela Dean

If you’ve been through a custody battle, you know how hard it can be on the kids … and it isn’t easy on the grown-ups either. But what do you do when you know that your ex doesn’t really want custody, he’s only fighting for it to spite you? Fortunately. Shela Dean is here to help.

In this video, author, relationship coach and YourTango Expert Shela Dean explains how to handle an ex-husband who’s taking his aggression out on you in the courtroom.

“It’s possible that the custody challenge is about money,” says Shela, “but it’s more likely that your husband hasn’t accepted the inevitability of your divorce.” So, when will he stop putting his own pettiness ahead of the best interest of the kids? Shela says, “Your husband is more likely to come to his senses, be reasonable about the kids, and put their welfare first — as he should — once he’s resolved his feelings about you and the divorce.”

Want to learn more? Check out the video at YourTango.com. 

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  • http://twitter.com/prfectisshe myprfectimprfections

    all i’ve got to say about this topic is look before you leap and cheaper to keep her. those two sum up all the problems with this situation imo. 

  • FromUR2UB

    I honestly never had to worry about my ex-husband trying to get custody of our kids; he didn’t want them.  I used to urge him to be more involved in their lives, to show more of an interest in them by calling them more often, but simply because he thought that would have made me happy, he refused.  He had never in their lives, given them a birthday or Christmas gift.   He did regulary pay child support, after wage garnishment.  When they went off to college, and he was no longer required to pay support, he started calling me asking why they wouldn’t return his calls, why he couldn’t get in touch with them.  I just answered that they were probably really busy.   I always relayed the message that he was trying to reach them. Today, they don’t seem to hold anything against him.  I don’t know whether they ever call him, because I don’t make it my business to know.  All I know is that whenever he lets them know he’s going to be in their city, they go visit him like they would any relative.  They just don’t feel close to him.   What did he expect?  They learned how to relate to him that way, from him.   You can only withdraw what was invested.

  • http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=ntt_athr_dp_sr_1?_encoding=UTF8&search-alias=digital-text&field-author=Peaches%20The%20Writer PeachesTheWriter

    Statistics show that after a divorce, most men stop seeing their children within a year. It’s not that they don’t want to be in their children’s lives, it’ just that they have moved on to a new relationship or venture and they associate their children with the old relationship/ex-wife. We as a society have to figure out a way to make fathers feel more inclusive and not like, “I don’t need that mutha*&%#er”. Divorcing the wife does not mean divorcing the children and if we purposely keep the kids from their father because “It’s not his weekend” or “He called at the last minute”, we are going to be raising these babies alone and they may end up resenting us.

    I realize my opinion may not be very popular, but it’s the way I feel.

  • GM_I

    GTFOH, now men who dont get custody 90% of the time, are being talked about like fathers who fight for custody are only doin it out of spite & not out of love for their child and to not be cut out their childs life, SMDH at the continous male-bashing this website promotes…its even statistically proven that when men/fathers file for custody, its JOINT custody (meaning the mother still has her rights & gets to have the child 50% of the time) and its women who want FULL custody (turning fathers into weekend dads, make visitation h311 for the dads out of spite & capitalize on unfair child support or use child support as a legal meansof extortion or holdin a mans child for ransom), as well as the party responsible when it comes to poisoning the childs mind against the other parent…im not saying SOME men haven’t done it or try to do it, but to write an article directed towards women as if they’re the ones suffering from this type of stuff more than men are, is EXTREMELY insulting…this crap is just an article villifying men who fight to remain in their own childs lives in a country with a gov’t & female population that rubs them out of it for profit & personal financial gain & blames them for the negative consequences of doing that after the fact…this site & the biased agenda it promotes is outrageous smh.

    • KJ23

      I don’t even think it’s meant like that.  I’ve been separated from my husband for six months and I decided to file for divorce today.  Even when we were together my husband spent as little time as possible with our child.  Since we’ve been separated he’s only seen  our daughter four times, and when I told him that I wanted custody he told me he was going to fight it.  He’s an alcoholic and doesn’t work, I have a job and no substance abuse problem, so we both know that our daughter is better with me, but he wants to prolong the divorce.  I know that not all men are villains, but some men DO do that just out of spite.

      • GM_I

        Thats YOUR HUSBAND and as I stated before, SOME men do and try to do this BUT, women/mothers are the overwhelming majority who pull this type of shyyyt…the fact that they have articles posted on the world wide web/internet for millions/billions to see, paints the picture as if its fathers/men who file for custody are only doing it out of spite, when its more often that women are the guilty party in these type of situations…its making the men who fight to stay in their childs life a villian (cuz men who dont want to be dads dont eveb fukccin file for custody let alone want to see or speak to the child), something that doesn’t get broadcasted as it is now as has been plenty of times when its women/mothers doing it…the some men who have done it or try to do it get put on blast and presented in the media as if many or majority of men are the culprits when its EXTREMELY false & the furthest from the truth…when women/mothers do this, the media, doctors, authors barely bat an eye or say anything like they are now…the subject of filing for custody out of spite & using a child as a means to gain money is discussed and its MEN/FATHERS that are spoken about as the bad guys, GTFOHWTBS!!!  You might not see it the way I stated in my previous comment, but again, u have a biased opinion about it mainly becuz ur female (and if u believe u wouldn’t do it than in ur mind that means majority of women could never do it) and becuz u married an alcoholic with no job and had his baby…and not having a job shouldn’t really mean the kid is better with u, should it??? how many women/mothers are jobless and have custody over their kids, getting money from the father and living off child support intended for the kid(s) instead of working, doesn’t that mean they should be deemed unfit parents and not get custody??? (yet most single mothers/mothers in this modern era still get custody regardless of being employed or not)…And I already posted a few days ago about Stay-At-Home-Moms and the statistics/research that went into uncovering the large & vast amount of mothers who are drinking wine excessively to cope with rearing children, they have substance abuse problems, yet they still are seen as fit parents or have custody or aren’t being stripped of their kids/parental rights are they???…so shut that “i dont have substance abuse problems and a job” crap up becuz since u have a vagina, u can have both and be certified mentally insane and still have custody becuz ur a woman…when I read the title, I was like “wow, they’re about to speak about this subject matter, really???” Than I read the shyyt and guess who is being blamed for this crap: MEN/FATHERS, WTF!?!?!?!…and not just fathers, but its attacking fathers who want to be apart of their kids lives, becuz those dads represent the majority of the ones who file for custody in the 1st place, not losers like ur husband you chose to marry & give birth to his child…Im sure u want to paint the picture of him picking up the bottle after the wedding/honeymoon or losing his great job after he said “I do” but the most likely truth is that man u layed down with, had sex with raw, unprotected, carried his seed for nine months, pushed it out ur vag, was most likely a loser who probably didn’t want the kid or cared about the child as much as a YOU wanted him to or wished from the very start when u said “hello, my name is such and such”…he very well might be using the kid to spite you, but it doesn’t increase his chances of actually being successful at it compared to women/mothers have been…so, get out of here with ur one-sided sob story tryin to justify the villification of good fathers fighting for their right to be a dad in a country that makes it one of the most difficult trials to face as a man smh.

        • Shela Dean

          BOTH men and women are guilty of using their children as weapons in a divorce. Neither gender is guiltless. The advice I gave is applicable to both men and women. I simply answered the question the way it was posed to me–by a woman about HER husband, not about every man on the planet. Nowhere in the video does it say that men are the sole problem and that all women are innocent. I know plenty of situations where threats of custody have been used as a weapon and where one parent has done everything possible to destroy the other parent’s relationship with the children. People in divorce are often in something of a “temporary state of insanity” and do things, like use the children, that they might not otherwise do. And, frankly, still plenty others are just jerks or jerkettes who’ll do anything to get even. Most people, thankfully, care enough about their children to put their interests first.

          • GM_I

            I know BOTH men and women are guilty but where in the article does it state that…this article is only mentioning it as if men are the only guilty party when its not even men doing this majority of the time…most men dont even come close to gaining even joint custody of their children to even pull this crap off compared to women…thats my issue with the article, its gender biased becuz it fails to mention the women who are guilty of it and COMPLETELY focuses on men ONLY…if this article mentioned how women are just as guilty and equally gave advice for men who suffer from these situations (which is a lot more) I would have nothin to say but “wow, I really like how this article addresses both sides fairly and equally”…but, that didnt happen in this article did it…imagine an article about racial profiling & police brutality where its only geared towards the white community and the plight they suffer from it and how to stop/avoid it from happening to them…do u think the blk/latino communities who suffer from it way more in comparison than the white community does wouldn’t give the side eye or be upset to an article like that, making it seem like whites are the main victims of racial profiling or police brutality???  Becuz that is exactly how this article is formatted towards men, as if its men who are using kids against women, turning them on the mother, poisioning their minds to hate the other parent, holding them hostage until he gets more child support money before allowing any visitation ordered by the courts etc.

            • Shela Dean

              I beg to differ. The video doesn’t focus on men and it in no way implies that only men are guilty. It answers the question as it was posed to me–by ONE woman about HER husband only. You are reading way more into the video than is there. Had I been asked the question generally (as opposed to specifically), I would have answered it generally.

        • KJ23

          You know what, I’m going to need you to take a seat, because never at ANY point of time did I say that ALL men do that, or that ALL women are victims.  Maybe if you weren’t so interested in typing in acronyms you could understand just a little bit better.  All I was saying was that the view of the article didn’t come off as male bashing, and was a guide to women who have suffered from that situation.  The same way how there are articles for men who have women who try to use their children in a custody battle out of spite.  

          As for MY situation, I’ll put it in letters that you can understand:  STFU about it.  Because the man I married was gainfully employed, didn’t do any type of substance, but he changed shortly after the ink was on the license.  We knew each other for an entire year before we even started dating, and then we got married a year after that, and then I had my daughter.  What he turned into afterwards is something different, and he’d attest that he changed for the worst. 

          Now, I don’t know about what YOU’RE going through, apparently it’s something deep to make someone act as childish as you are and attacking a person and their situation that you don’t even know.  I’m gonna need you to take a seat somewhere, preferably at a psychologist’s office.  

          • GM_I

            This is the problem with u broads, u admittedly stated that u only knew ur husband for 2 YEARS before u married him (only after dating for ONE YEAR, WOOOOOOOW!!!)…than had his baby soon after that smh…women must be goin by dog years thinkin 1 year equals 7 years or somethin actin like a year of dating is a long time when its not smh…I also highly doubt u two went on dates every single day during that year of dating, im sure they didn’t last more than a few hours, im sure if u were to caluculate/add up the hours & time spent with him for that year, it would add up to 4 to 6 months if not less than that…u married a man u didn’t know, u fell in love with his representitive, u got married WAAAAAAY TOO SOON (probably becuz he knocked u up and u rushed to get married so ur kid wouldn’t be a bazturd), thats the main reasons why he seemed to be someone different…the truth is u never met ur husband until after the marriage, u never met the real him becuz u never gave it enough time for his true colors to surface and yes, THATS YOUR FAULT…you had just as much equal say in whether u were gonna get married or not, when u would get married, had the option to turn down his marriage proposal, if u were gonna have unprotected sex or not, if u were gonna use birth control properly or not…so, save the boo hoos for someone who isn’t already aware of what the majority of ppl are doin who are in or have been in the same boat as u…most of y’all have the same dumb sob stories, so the BS excuses ur spewing is nothin new to me.

            • KJ23

              I’ll give you this, I did fall in love with his representative, I never denied that.  I clearly said that the person I fell in love with wasn’t the person he turned out to be.  Also, I did see him everyday because we worked together.  But where you’re wrong is, I was married for about four months before we BOTH decided to have the baby.  My pregnancy happened AFTER the vows were exchanged, we had a house, and everything else.  I never alluded that he somehow tricked me into doing something I didn’t want to do.  I freely went into the relationship, the same way how I freely went to the circuit court and got those divorce slips.  So, before you start generalizing me from all the women YOU interact with keep me out of the number, because you’re talking as if you know my situation and you clearly don’t.  There’s no reason for you to be so childish and angry at a complete stranger.  As a matter of fact, why are you on an all women’s site if you’re so angry at us? Go somewhere, please.

    • Shela Dean

      I answered the question as it posed to me from a woman about her soon to be ex-husband. There was no intent, nor did I, stereotype men. In my 20 years of experience as an attorney and in my subsequent career as a relationship coach, I can attest to the fact that BOTH men and women can, and do, use their children as weapons in a divorce. It is shameful. Most custody battles have little to do with the best interests of the children. Divorcing spouse should put the best interests of their children ahead of their own bitterness and desire to “get even” for real and perceived hurts.

      • GM_I

        I know majority of divorces aren’t about the best interest of the child…ITS ABOUT MONEY!!!  The children are just a means to an end in that regard…its no secret that the gov’t is gettin a percentage of the outrageous child support settlements in these cases and even if women want to make an argument about the men only having to pay $200/month…they need to understand that in a country with a population over 300 million, with a divorce rate of 50% or more, where child support is generally ordered to be payed out, adds up when u factor in the amount of men gettin raped in the wallets over it…plenty of men are dishing out thousands of dollars (if not more depending on tat mans career/profession)…but lets be honest here, ur kind (i.e. Lawyers), ur apart of the scam in this country, ur kind helps fuel this BS that ruins lives of men & children, ur kind plays a part in men viewing kids as weapons to be used against them instead of a legacy to carry the family name…and even if ur not personally guilty of it, im sure ur well aware of the many lawyers who profit off this form of legal extortion, so save ur “its so shameful” for somebody else, ur not gonna stop this crap even knowing what u know about it, ur apart of the machine designed to ruin lives for self-interest and financial gains…ur part of the beast but yet dont think ur just as much as a monster a the lawyers/court systems guilty of this crap or these authors who manipulate it in the media to ensure the outcome continues to remain as is, that allows women to use kids as pawns for their own greed.

        • Shela Dean

          With all due respect, you are doing exactly what you accused me of doing to men. You have stereotyped women as greedy and concerned only with money. I have no idea what your background or life experience may be. But I know this: the vast majority of people who divorce do so for many reasons but the least of which is money. People who divorce lose on average 77% of their net worth and also suffer a loss of life style. Those who stay married have greater wealth than those who divorce–the statistics are clear on this. You have also stereotyped lawyers but I won’t bother to comment on that!

  • L-Boogie

    Honestly, I hate these type of situations.  I grew up in this type of situation.  NEVER play the kids against a parent.  Feelings get hurt.  Love is lost.  Let the kids live in peace. 

    • http://www.sheladean.com/ Shela Dean

       You are so right! Divorcing spouses should put the best interest of their children first.

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