Women have very delicate relationships with their stomachs. It doesn’t help that at least half the fitness magazines out there typically have the word “Tummy” or “Belly” in bold on the cover or the fact that when male singers list off their idea of the perfect woman in their lyrics, it typically involves a flat stomach. Then there is the fact that things like the tankini exist. But of course—there must be some sort of pool attire that “fixes” the “problem” of a little tummy fat for women. Funny enough, there aren’t any high-rising male swim trunks to hide a man’s stomach. Nope: men feel perfectly comfortable letting even enormous bellies hang out at the beach because their stomachs aren’t sexualized. All of this pressure around our mid sections has led us to develop some odd habits. Here is the secret relationship every woman has with her stomach.
Jersey is for skinny days
Clingy fabric like jersey or silk is for skinny days only. Some material just isn’t forgiving and can make even the most slender of women look like they have a tummy. For this reason, we all have dresses we absolutely adore, but that we only bust out the closet about once a year (typically after the stomach flu).
No bouncing in sex after eating
If our partners make us do anything in sex that will require us to bounce around after a large meal, we are not enjoying that sex. We may pretend we are, but we are actually fixating on how our stomachs our jiggling, or contracting our abs so they don’t jiggle. Nobody can orgasm like that.
Really, no face-to-face in sex after eating
If we feel bloated, recently had a large meal, have been constipated or are going through anything else that makes us feel our stomachs are slightly enlarged, we don’t want to do any sex positions that involve being face-to-face. We want to point our tummies away from our partners.
We have special clothes for large meals
You know those fabulous vintage dresses with a tight, structured seam right around the waist? Yeah—we don’t wear those unless we plan on fasting that day. If we know we are going to have a large meal, we wear elastic, we wear empire-waist dresses, or we wear extra flowy tops. So if you’re wondering why your partner is taking forever to choose an outfit before hitting the buffet, now you know.
We never wear crop tops if we feel bloated
We all have crop tops that we bought on impulse—that we saw and thought, “Aaw. Those are so cute. They’re all the rage right now and I want one!” Then we got home, snapped out of whatever delusional confident place we were in at the store, and wonder why the hell we bought a crop top.
We must wear crop tops on “good stomach” days
Then come those rare days when we see some nice definition in our stomachs, when maybe we had a nice bowel movement and when we haven’t had sodium in a few days. On those days, we must wear our crop tops. We will not let these rare good-ab days go to waste! We will revolve our entire outfit around this damned crop top, even if a crop top is not appropriate for where we’re going.
We look at our stomachs while we eat
We secretly peek down at our stomachs while we eat, trying to find noticeable signs that they’re growing with each bite. Yes—we understand this is insane.
Women with six-packs are a different species
There are two types of women in this world: women with six-pack abs, and the rest of us. It seems the two rarely co-mingle. If a woman does have six-pack abs, she may be the one token ripped female in her friends group. But for the most part, women without six-pack abs feel like they wouldn’t know how to speak to a woman with six-pack abs.
Women who run in sports bras are heroes
Even women with the tightest tummies jiggle when they run. When we see women jogging in their sports bras, we want to applaud them. Even on the hottest days, most of us will not take off our t-shirts to run.
We always know who has the smallest stomach
Women notice a lot of things about each other, and one thing you can bet we notice is who in the room has the smallest tummy. A smaller tummy is something we are all working on so, yeah, you better believe we keep tabs on who is making the most progress around here. If you asked a group of 10 women who in the group has the tightest tummy, they wouldn’t hesitate—they’d all drop the name within a millisecond.
We take shirtless selfies after large meals
We take photos of our food-baby-engorged stomachs after meals and text them to our friends. We don’t know why we do this. WE DON’T KNOW! Of course, we delete the photos after and beg our friends to do the same.
We don’t love high-waisted jeans for the fashion
Okay, the secret is out: we don’t love high-waisted jeans because they’re stylish. We love them because, finally, those horrendous low-rise jeans designed for teenagers are out of style. Finally, something trendy covers our fupas!
Nor do we love flowy pants for the fashion
Oh and all of these wide-legged, flowy pants that are in fashion now—yeah, we aren’t into them for the bohemian look or the breathable fabric. We are into them because the wider our pant legs are, the tinier our stomachs look.
We’ve all tried some fat-burning product
We have all tried some product that promised to burn our belly fat. We wore large sunglasses and a hat to buy the product so that nobody would recognize us. Then we all had some horrible experience that landed us on the toilet or in the doctor’s office.
Do not pat our tummies
Men, do not pat our tummies. Don’t do it. Do you want your partner to have sex with you tonight? Or even this week? Then do not pat her tummy. Don’t call her tummy “Cute” either (unless you want to sign a death warrant on your sex life).