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Author Abiola Abrams recently talked about the drama and misunderstandings that can come from blended families, particularly ones where children came about through infidelity. But after speaking with a few of my friends late last week, I realized that it’s not just an uncomfortable tension one can feel when they have half-siblings, but in some cases, a slight indifference.
One of my friends has a younger brother, now a teenager, whom she admits that she doesn’t really connect to or call. At almost 30, she doesn’t have much in common with him–aside from their father.
Another friend said that she hadn’t spoken to her much older sister in a while, specifically because the woman went ghost on the family for a short time, and when she came back around pretending as though nothing happened, my friend wasn’t here for it. She doesn’t really trust her sister (and her sister’s judgment), so while she tries to be cordial, that’s about it.
As for myself, I have four half-siblings. One I’ve literally only seen and had a serious conversation with once in my entire life. And I felt bad during that single visit, because while around me, my brother, and two sisters, all born from my mom and dad, it didn’t seem as though he was that comfortable with us. Considering that he didn’t have much of a relationship with my father over the years, maybe it was just all too much to take in at once.
My other brother, my dad’s second son from a short-lived relationship, is much closer to us because he makes an effort to visit, to call, to send photos of his children, and to stay connected. This became crucial for him after the death of our brother (the second child of my mom and dad together).
My two eldest siblings, my mother’s son and daughter from her previous marriage, I grew up in the same household with. We are all reasonably close.
Still, it’s not as it should be. I realized this as my eldest half-sister called me recently to check in, and lamented that we don’t talk enough, blaming herself.
“I’m the oldest sister, so I need to do better,” she said. “I don’t want you guys ever to think that I don’t care about you or that I don’t have time for you. It’s just that with my kids, it’s hard for me to find a lot of time to call. But I’m going to do better because I love ya’ll, man.”
It hit me then that we’re really not that close at all.
No, that’s not true actually. It’s been apparent for quite some time that we’re not in the chummiest of places. But more so evident when I was trying to prepare save the dates for my wedding and realized I didn’t have the addresses for my half-siblings. It was something my mother deplored.
“You don’t have your brothers’ and sisters’ addresses? Wow. That’s terrible. And shameful.”
I felt bad about it at the time. I mean, moms did lay it on thick. I wanted to tell her, “I try to link up with them. We text sometimes!” and recount to her the ways I stayed updated on what they were doing via social media. But then again, that doesn’t take much effort now does it?
The truth is, I have made attempts to call, to be more in touch, just as my siblings have, but our various responsibilities have made that hard. And the fact that the age differences are more than 10 years (my eldest brother is literally in his mid-40s, and I’m 27), it can be a struggle to find things to talk honestly about other than the usual update convos: “How’s work?” How are the kids?” “How is New York? We’re going to come up there soon enough…”
I do love all of my siblings dearly, but there’s just something about growing up alongside people in the same household for many years, being around a similar age, traveling together, dealing with the same issues regarding identity as a Nigerian-American who is a little more Americanized that most, and having such a bond, that makes it easier to call and connect with one sibling over another.
Still, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad about it, and that I don’t want things to be different. But just like my co-workers who did the classic shoulder shrug and “Sorry, not sorry” face during our conversation about our relationships with half-siblings, I would agree that it’s complicated: “We’re just too different.”
So I wonder, if you have half-siblings, which I’m sure you don’t call “half,” are you close to them? Do you make attempts to bond with them? Or have you accepted that while you are blood, you just don’t have much in common?
