Welcome to Love School. Class is in session! Abiola’s Love School is a weekly empowered Love Lesson, inspirational class and juicy conversation about love, relationships, dating, sex, commitment and self worth. Each assignment will include homework, resources and actionable steps. Let’s move beyond the surface to experience the true love and intimacy we deserve. Are you in?
“He was my cream, and I was his coffee. And when you poured us together, it was something.” ― Josephine Baker
Love Lesson: Creating a Solid Psychological Love Connection
When it comes to matters if intimacy, you already have some idea of what to do with your precious body. You’ve also invested time in your exterior perfection of looking good and smelling divine. Now, let’s talk about creating a love bond. Yes, men are visual but the biggest aphrodisiac for both men and women lies between our ears.
In last week’s Love Class, we delved into the idea of “How to be Irresistible.” Any woman can raise her I.Q.. Sure, we know that you already have brains but I am speaking of your other I.Q., your Irresistiblity Quotient. Today, as promised, I present ten tips on how to seduce the partner of your dreams.
Remember, our modern goddess seduction is not about manipulation. You are an exquisite creature unlike any other. You have no need to manipulate anyone into being with you. After all, we want to keep the good love karma flowing, don’t we? Come to view any rejection is God’s protection.
This week’s lesson is all about how to deepen your connection with the object of your affection. Love is much too powerful to be considered just a frivolous game. You deserve a partner who will love, honor, cherish and respect you. You are worthy of someone you is kind, loving, intelligent, hard-working, spiritual as you see it, thoughtful and generous. Anyone who suggests that you deserve any less is confused not only about your worth, but their own.
Once you get to know your partner, you can then move forward together in a powerful and loving way to deepen the bond. As we found in my overview of “What Men Want,” when it comes to love, sex, dating, marriage and relationships, they want many of the same things that we do. No gender is a monolith, so put your limiting love beliefs on the shelf as you devote yourself to the gift of getting to know the worthy companion you have chosen to spend your time with. (Wait; if this person is not on your level in any way, go back to “Go” and remember how you deserve to be loved.) Of course, we speak in heterosexual terms here, but this advice is relevant for same-gender relationships as well.
How to Turn Up the Love Heat:
1. Use the prospect of fear or danger to bond you together.
Attraction and sexual appeal can almost be reduced to a series of magical chemical reactions. We’re perfectly built creatures. Dopamine, which stimulates our brain’s active pleasure center is also one of the main chemicals that creates addiction. Excursions that get the adrenaline racing also increase your levels of dopamine.
Here’s how it works, according to esteemed anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher. Dopamine triggers “lust and desire.” To get his addiction chemicals going, hit a heart-thumping activity like zip lining, a rollercoaster or scary movie together. “The novelty of a dangerous situation you’d see in a horror movie or after trying a slightly risky, adrenaline-fueled activity together can also feed dopamine levels,” she explains.
2. Speak to him in his language for peak communication.
Talk to him about himself. Say his name, say his name. The sweetest sound to anyone on the planet is their name. Subtlety is key with the name play, ladies, but make it clear that you enjoy saying his name as much as he will enjoy hearing it.
Is he someone who seeks pleasure or avoids pain? Instead of seeking to be understood, seek to understand.
Go to marriage counselor Gary Chapman’s website and take “The 5 Love Languages” quiz together so that you can better communicate. Then you’ll know whether gifts, spoken words, quality time, acts of service or physical touch are the way to show your sweetheart love. In addition, is he a visual person, more kinesthetic and touchy-feely or does he process information in an auditory fashion? If you speak to visually oriented people using terms such as “I see”, auditory people with terms such as “I feel you” and kinesthetic people with “I feel where you’re coming from” you’ll get a better response.
3. Listen to him like your love depends on it–it does.
When he talks, are you“heard-ing”? As in “Yeah, I heard what you said”? Let him talk. Turn off your “already always listening.” That’s what the Landmark coaching program terms our propensity to be more focused on what we think someone will say versus what they may be saying if we truly listen.
This goes hand in hand with asking him about himself. As he’s sharing his stories, don’t let your mind wander to the Knicks-Bulls game or the latest “Real Housewives” drama. Listen so that if he again mentions his brother you know who he’s talking about. Besides, being a great listener is just good manners.
Everyone’s favorite subject is themselves. It’s instinctual to want to tell a new person all about you, you, you. Switch it up. Show interest by wanting to know all about him. Why would you be in a relationship with someone you weren’t fascinated by and curious about anyway?
4. It’s not fair to ask any man to complete you.
Does the saying get a life ring a bell? A woman who enjoys being herself is a force to be reckoned with. Captivate with happiness. Live a life so filled with joy and pregnant with possibilities that someone would want to join the party. Do you know that men pay for something called the G.F.E., or the Girlfriend Experience? They hire an escort to be interesting, fun and interested in them. Cut out the middle man.
When you have a life of your own, you will be less likely to commit a D.W.D., Dating While Desperate. Desperation reeks and is not good for your soul. Be light, playful, happy with your partner. This energy is contagious and completely seductive.
Who would you rather spend time with: an energy vampire sucking the life out of you or someone fun and flirty?
5. Be open, vulnerable and present for love.
A woman who is vulnerable has the courage to walk in her feminine power. There is much to be said for emotional honesty. Sharing yourself with another person and holding a safe space for them to be open with you is sacred. Always approach your partner with space for love and attraction to be present.
Love is about having a safe place to land and being that soft place for someone else. Until you can say that, you haven’t earned the right to complain in any relationship.
Your inner bully and limiting love beliefs have no place here.That was much to take it but you are the perfect woman at the perfect time to shine. I see you radiantly happy and in love!
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Today’s Homework
Get caught up on Abiola’s Love Class!
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Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives extraordinary women inspiring advice on healthy relationships, self-esteem and getting the love we deserve. You’ve seen her love interventions in magazines from Essence to JET and on shows from MTV’s “Made” to the CW Network’s “Bill Cunningham Show.” Find love class worksheets, advice videos, coaching, and more at Abiola’s Love University. Her upcoming advice guide is named “The Official Bombshell Handbook of Feminine Power.” Tweet @abiolaTV or #loveclass.
