The Funniest Mariah Carey Lyrics Of All Time

Today Mariah Carey turns 44 or 45 — she won’t confirm with Wikipedia so I don’t know either — but what I do know is it’s my favorite singer in the whole wide world’ s birthday and attention must be paid.

I’ve loved Mimi ever since “Vision of Love,” but if it’s one thing I know about my girl it’s she will write and sing just about anything in a song to make it rhyme. Sometimes you don’t catch the foolishness on first listen, but when you really go back and look up Mariah Carey’s lyrics, you have no choice sometimes but to say, she is an absolute fool! So, without further adieu, I bring you the funniest Mariah Carey lyrics of all time. Happy Birthday Mimi!

“Not even a nail technician with a whole lot of gel and acrylic can fix this when I break, I break” — Up Out My Face

Whoever this song was dedicated to, Mariah certainly wanted to make sure they got the message that their relationship was over. Coming off of the singer’s 2009 album, Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel, it was honestly hard to choose between the lyric above and the one that followed, which was “If we were two Lego blocks, even the Harvard University graduating class of 2010 couldn’t put us back together again.” Dang, we get it.

“This is for real, for real, for real Oprah Winfrey, whole segment, for real, for real” — Betcha Gon’ Know

And that’s not all. It’s also “20/20, Barbara Walters, for real, for real 60 minutes, for real.” That’s really, really, real.

“Just like the Calgon commercial I really gotta get up outta here and go somewhere” — Shake It Off

Clever, but funny nonetheless. Y’all remember those Calgon take me away commercials don’t you?

“Bump, bump, bump, all out in the open, don’t make me go call Maury Povich” — “It’s a Wrap

‘Cuz that’s what you do when your man comes creepin’ in in the wee hours of the morning.

“Them Chickens Is Ash And I’m Lotion” — It’s Like That

I don’t know what’s funnier, her calling other women chickens or pointing out the fact that they’re ashy and she’s not. If you didn’t know she was a black woman before, you know now.

“Go to MiMi on your contacts, press delete” — The Art of Letting Go

Apparently the art is following these clear cut directions, appropriately sung over a slight music break for emphasis.

“‘Cause they be all up in my bidness like a Wendy Interview” — Touch My Body

It was a toss up between this line and “Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee,” but her use of “bidness” sealed the deal.

“No one could deny it we were flying like United” — Inseparable

Another Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel gem. As you can see, the newer the song, the cornier the lyric.