Ask A Very Smart Brotha: We Could Be Great But After 7 Years He Won’t Commit

Dear Waiting on a Dreamlover,10 years ago, a question describing your situation would have used “When Harry Met Sally” or “Jerry and Elaine” as the pop culture parallel. Now, I guess that Friends With Benefits reference is more apropos. And it’s also more irrefutable proof that I’m getting old as f**k. Thank you for that. Now, on to your question…The “we could be this…” game is one many of us are quite familiar with. We all know the rules. You find yourself in a situation where the relationship isn’t quite where you want it to be, so you spend many of your waking hours in a dream-like state fantasizing about how utopic your realized relationship would be, thinking of all the ways you “match” each other and holding on to the hope that they just haven’t realized it yet.

But, for a relationship — well, a good relationship — to happen, both parties need to have the same passion for wanting the relationship to work. You can’t guilt or ultimatum someone into wanting to be with you, and you wanting it so badly won’t affect them by osmosis. Basically, the only “confusion” here is yours. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want to be with you. And yes, I know the “situationship” can muddle things. But the fact that a situationship has been going on for seven years — with you pining and him repeatedly putting you off — is all the proof you need. And think about this: Do you really want to be with someone who finally decides to “give you a try” after dating and sleeping with who knows how many other women over seven years?  

You know all of this already, which is why you’re writing in. But, I had to repeat it because in order for you to get out of this “bad cycle” you have to stop putting yourself in it. Instead of thinking about how perfect you’d be together, think about what I just said. Think about the fact that you can’t be “perfect” together if one party doesn’t even want to be together. Think about the prospect of waiting for someone who considers you to be a back-up plan, a glass jar to break in case of emergency. 

I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes we need water splashed in our faces to wake us out of deep dreams.

Sincerely,

Damon Young 

Pittsburgh native Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) is the co-founder of the ridiculously popular VerySmartBrothas.com Their first book “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide To Dating, Mating and Fighting Crime” is available at Amazon.com.