Being a teenager is hard enough, and a variety of influences can leave some girls feeling that there is no escape from gossip and the pressure to look, think and act a certain type of way. In addition, many of our young women are growing up in single-parent families where resources are limited. According to the 2002 US Census Bureau more than one-fourth of all of the children in the country lived with only their mother or father, including 48% of all African- American children.
The truth is that parents are significantly younger these days. With teenage pregnancies on the rise a majority of children are being raised in households in which parent(s) are unemployed or underemployed with very little education. This often leads to a situation where girls are growing up in an economically disadvantaged area that is often filled with crime, poverty and what can seem like very little positive options for a successful future. Some girls are left feeling like the only places the can turn to for the answers are Twitter, Facebook and Myspace.
The good news is that increased connections with reliable positive role models can make a significant difference in the lives of our youth. You don’t necessarily need money, power or fame to help either. Here are some suggestions on how you can make the difference whether you are a parent or someone who just wants to help:
1) Be a positive role model
None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes along the way. But it can be difficult to try to help someone else stay on the right path, if we constantly choose the wrong one in our own lives. Part of being a positive role model is making a conscious choice to be a better person within your own life. Actively strive for your own goals and try your best to make healthy decisions in your life. What many young women have trouble seeing is that they are surrounded by a variety of real role models every day, so they seek them in places like magazines or television. Keep in mind that your own personal belief in the message you are trying to send, affects the delivery of it. Mahatma Ghandi said it best; the best example you can be for a young person is to “Be the change you want to see in the world.”
2) Listen to what she has to say
How do you usually respond to a lecture? We often focus too much on providing our youth with an abundance of information and advice from our own personal experiences and neglect to provide a forum for them to express their concerns and opinions and have them validated. Most often teenagers aren’t given nearly enough credit for the ways in which they choose to deal with difficult situations. Growing up in adversity can produce positive characteristics such as resiliency and adaptability. Being a good listener includes providing positive feedback and making an effort to understand what our young women are trying to say. You might even learn something along the way.
3) Build trust and confidence
When I interviewed for a position coordinating an after-school program for young girls, one of the first questions I was asked by members of the group was, “Will you abandon us?” Being a “role-model for a day” fails to make a significant impact in anyone’s life, let alone hold the attention-span of a teenager. Adolescents thrive when they have a support system of familiar faces that are reliable and invested. Understand that it can be difficult for some to open up, so this process may take some time. Like any relationship it will take commitment and dedication, and the results will be worth your while. Also, trust the process. Sometimes it may seem like what you’re saying is going in one ear and out of the other, but many teenagers are obsessed with just “appearing” to not be fazed by anything, when truly deep down they are absorbing every single word you say.
4) Emphasize the importance of respect
Many feel that they must take on a drill sergeant mentality when dealing with young women who may be a little rough around the edges or have behavioral problems, but a little respect can go a long way. In my experience, being polite and recognizing that teenagers are people who are worthy of respect, concern and validation and treating them as such is one of the first steps to building a healthy and honest relationship. By being a living example of what it means to respect and care for someone, you are teaching them how to respect you and others in return.
5) Enforce limits and reward positive behavior
The type of relationship you may have with a young lady in your life will determine the limits. You might be an older sister, an aunt, a teacher or a mentor and it is up to you to determine the behavior that is acceptable in that relationship. If you are a professional, consider the effect that giving out your cell phone number or becoming a Facebook friend might have. Ask yourself whether these types of actions are necessary. Establish boundaries from the very beginning and leave little room for flexibility. Respect their boundaries as well; they too are entitled to their own privacy, and honestly there are some things that you shouldn’t and probably wouldn’t want to know.
One of the best ways you can discourage negative behavior is by rewarding positive behavior. Many young people are grateful for what some of us might consider the little things: a gift card to a favorite store, dinner at a local restaurant or even some extra privileges. Most important, recognize their accomplishments and efforts. This can help build self-esteem and self-worth.
6) Keep it real
Many adults feel pressured to use slang that they are not familiar with or fake interest in certain kinds of entertainment in an effort to build a sense of closeness to a young person in their lives. Teenagers can see right through this and as result may not take you as seriously. If you’ve made a breakthrough with a teen and they are even considering what you have to say then the chances are that they respect and admire you just the way you are. Take an active interest in their culture and activities, but if it isn’t quite your speed that’s OK too. They are usually just happy that you’ve shown some interest in the first place.
7) Encourage their strengths, cultivate their creativity and help form goals
It’s important to not impose your own personal goals onto the young person you want to help. Every young woman is not going to grow up to be a doctor or a lawyer, and there are many different ways to achieve a goal. Education is essential and a high school diploma is a necessity, but there are many ways to attain an education. A four-year university is ideal but trade schools, certification programs and other forms of higher learning can offer a young person some options when trying to build a better future for themselves. Try to help the young person in your life find their own strengths and talents and inspire confidence to see those things through to help better their future.
But what if they aren’t quite sure about the talent they possess? It is important to help our young people grow to be culturally competent. Many young people rarely get opportunities to be exposed to a diverse assortment of people and cultures. Whenever possible, trips to theaters, museums, and sight-seeing are important to help trigger a reaction to something that may inspire them.
8) Build healthy self-esteem
Our young women are facing a daily battle with a narrow definition of the word “beautiful”. With popular song lyrics like “I like a long haired thick redbone…” the self image of many young girls is taking a hit whenever they turn on the radio. While I believe that the media should take some responsibility and display a variety of different types of beauty, the people our young women interact with every day are crucial in helping shape the broad definition of beauty. That’s not always necessarily a natural look or an enhanced one, but the ability to find healthy ways to love yourself on both the inside and outside. Try to help the teen in your life find comfort in maintaining her individual identity. Not only should our young women find a comfort with what they see in the mirror, but within their souls as well.
9) Teach media literacy
According to the Harrison Group’s 2006 study on teen trends, Americans ages 13 to 18 spend more than 72 hours a week using electronic media such as cell phones, Internet, television, video games and music. Advertisements account for many of the messages our teens are being exposed to, and the goal of most is to sell a product idea or lifestyle by any means necessary. It is important to provide our youth with the skills needed to separate fact from fiction and gain an understanding about the intent behind the messages they are receiving. Some schools have a curriculum devoted to media literacy, but it is important for our young people to have an abundance of in-the-flesh resources to expose the truth about what they may see or hear.
10) Encourage healthy independence, but inform them about support and resources
It is important for us to start early with providing our young women with the resources they need to be self-sufficient. Education, financial literacy, emotional stability, self-worth and street smarts are all essential for helping our young girls develop into responsible and independent young women. At the same time, our young women should be informed about the resources that are available if they need extra help or support.
