Sometimes, no matter how good a man is working it in the pootang, a woman’s thoughts might be working overtime too. We might be thinking about cooking grits the next day, thinking about completing that nursing degree, thinking about getting a mani after this man… No disrespect to the good men who throw down, but here are 10 secret thoughts that roam our head as you explore our other *ehem* head.
1. “Please don’t fart, please don’t fart.”
A romantic dinner at the Mexican restaurant might have had you or your man filled with all sorts of gaseous substances like beans and cheese. And when you two come home to get it on, think about it: your belly is a balloon and he might be pressing on it…potentially releasing all kinds of foul bean-cheesey airs. Naturally, you might be thinking: “please, lawd, don’t let me fart up in here!” On top of that, you KNOW you are not trying to smell his rooty booty, so lawd, don’t let him fart either.
2. “I wonder if he can taste the hair on my body parts.”
Okay, this one is the great debate among the hairy girlies. Some women grow hair on their bellies, nipples, buttocks and so on. And it’s not ALL the time that they will remember to take that stuff off. Some men don’t really care about “body hair” (or so they say) as long as their girl is great, but women still think: hmmm…”is the hair on my body is getting in his teeth or something?” Just saying.
3. “Let me see. Is he better than my ex?”
Now, especially if your relationship is new with a lover, you know darn good and well you’re comparing him to the way you felt in the past. In fact, a slight sense of animal fear grips your soul if a man starts to work it in the sheets and you think–even for a second–that he might be wack. If you feel even a tinge of wackness compared to your ex, you wanna save the receipt all of a sudden and return his ding-a-ling to the store within 30 days. Hopefully, that scary thought of sexual wackness fades as he does a good job.
(I hereby wish all you ladies with new boyfriends a “good job.”)
4. “Will he tell his boys about this?”
If ever there were a time to pimp slap your boo’s boot-ay, it would be right after you start thinking he might tell his boys about how much you two were doing it on Thursday night. You start smacking him in the bedroom as you’re having this thought – and he thinks it’s a love smack. You, on the other hand, KNOW that you’re smacking his behind like you would if he ever went to his boys and talked smack about you!
5. “Does he like my size?”
OK, what else is new, ladies? Instead of enjoying the “ride,” some of you theme park visitors spoil the experience by wondering about your size. Nobody cares how many rolls you acquired in your belly area after dinner, mmkay? Get over that insecurity stuff in the bedroom, because it’s wackness to the wackest degree. Dudes know your size without your clothes on, so they’re not gonna expect a D cup, if you’re the president of the itty bitty titty committee. The only thing that matters is that you’re a hot chocolate (or mocha or vanilla or [insert shade here]) sex machine. You go girl! Work it!
6. “Will he judge me if I let my “freak” come out at night?”
Yes, ladies. You know you are thinking you want to try that “Adult Videos star move” on this man, and you’re afraid he will judge you. Three words: he will not. And if he does, his only conclusion will be: damn, do that again. Men are simpletons. Their “judgements” don’t count anyway.
7. “I’m gonna hope he showered (everywhere) this morning.”
You can’t let your freak out if ol’ boy didn’t shower. You may wanna bust out with an acrobatic mouth move in areas that don’t see sunshine. Knowing how gross boys can be however, the thought/prayer about whether or not he showered does cross your mind.
8. “This fool better not be comparing me to his ex-girlfriend.”
You compared him to your ex, and knowing how we all love a double-standard, you start getting all mad and insecure in the bedroom for a split second when you realize: hey, he might be comparing me to his ex too! Go figure. Moving right along.
9. “Hmmm. To sex-tape or not to sex-tape this good-good?”
Sometimes you and your honey look so juicily good doing your wild thang, you almost want to record your fancy moves. For a split second, you think to say: “hey, babe, do you have video capabilities on that iPhone?” Then, you think about work the next morning and how you’re trying to make V.P. by May. And then, you refrain from taping. You are not wild. No. Not nearly wild enough. Slave to society. You behave yourself. Even in the daggone bedroom.
10. “Wow, I’m actually kinda good at this!”
Besides this fine specimen you’ve been seeing, you start to realize just how fine you are too! You are so Hot. You are so hot. You are turning yourself on with your soft, amazing body and your steamy bedroom moves. Mmmm. You are so good at this! This is what you’re thinking – and that’s why you’re probably having an amazing sex life.
