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“I’m supposed to trust it, after he touched it?” — Beanie Sigel, “Bread and Butter”
If you went outside and polled 100 men on what would happen if his woman cheated on him, it’s a safe bet roughly 99 of those men would say they’d kick her to the curb. For some men (I’m playing it safe here), cheating is an unforgivable sin and the worst thing a woman could do to a man.
There are more than a few reasons why a man might view a woman as “damaged goods” after she cheats. The three I’m going to discuss are: 1) the male ego; 2) society deems it necessary; and 3) the fact that it was a deliberate act and the man found out about it.
Let’s start with:
THE MALE EGO
Once a man decides to commit to a woman, he believes he picked the “right” woman. The woman who will pledge her undying loyalty (extreme? yeah…I know) to him and forsake all others in order to be with him.
Men believe this to be true because we understand women have the unique ability to create tunnel vision once they decide they’re interested in a man. I made a joke once that men will date and sleep with women almost all the way up until the point where he makes the woman he’s been dating his girlfriend. Women, on the other hand, will find a man that they’re really into and disregard all the other men who might come in between her and the possibility of getting with the man she’s interested in.
In short, men enter relationships with women believing: 1) the chances of his woman running astray are so low it doesn’t require a second thought; and 2) the woman he’s with is so intensely focused on him that other men will not be worth the risk of ruining what they have built.
(The male ego can make one delusional).
THERE GOES THAT DOUBLE EDGED SWORD AGAIN…
We’ve been taught, and many have accepted, that men are capable of having sex with women and it can be relegated to a physical connection and nothing else. Women are not capable of such behavior; therefore, if they have sex with a man there is an emotional connection that has taken place before she decided to take off her panties. (This incorrect societal view is problematic for a number of reasons, but we’re not going to get into that right now.)
We’ve also been taught men cheat on women because they’re given the opportunity (or because they’re breathing if you’re the cynical type) and women only cheat because there is something lacking in her boyfriend.
What’s interesting is the unique position a woman can find herself in, which both protects her and imprisons her. If society allowed the notion women can just have sex and walk away, then perhaps when she cheated it wouldn’t be such a deal breaker for most men. Women have often said a man “emotionally cheating” with a woman is far worse than something that was strictly physical.
Since men believe women are emotional creatures, the physical act of sex is an expression of that emotion, which makes it doubly insulting. When taking into account the previously mentioned male ego, it becomes even tougher for men to process and get over.
WOMEN ARE SNEAKY, SO IF YOU CAUGHT HER, SHE WANTED YOU TO KNOW
Right or wrong, I think we can all agree women are incredibly skilled at keeping things away from men. Additionally, men are pretty terrible when it comes to paying attention and keeping up with a woman in that regard. Unless it’s something incredibly flagrant, men generally aren’t keeping enough tabs on their woman to notice subtle changes in her behavior or attitude.
With that in mind, in order for a woman to get caught cheating it’s easier for a man to assume she wanted him to know she was cheating before he will entertain the thought there was a chance she was sloppy in her actions.
Most men will automatically think less of a woman who has stepped out on them if for no other reason than the fact that she didn’t have the common decency to keep the situation under wraps (notwithstanding she actually had the gall to step out in the first place).
There’s also the psychological aspect. A man must sit down and realize that the woman he’s given his heart to, his love to, and sacrificed for, has laid with another. The thought that his own personal Adult Videos star woman has done all of those things with him…to another man…well…that’s enough to make even a decent man want to kill. Add up ego, society, and the assumption your woman didn’t even care enough to keep her actions concealed and it becomes clear why some men choose to move on rather than stay and work through it.
For more of RealGoesRight’s opinions on men and women, be sure to check him out with the all-star collective of black men writers over on SBM. If you prefer something a bit more direct, feel free to follow him on Twitter at @RealGoesRight and subscribe to his blog at RealGoesRight.Com
