I have gotten a number of comments via this column that have made me pretty sad. As you can see, I’m writing about sex. And my end goal is to encourage women to feel empowered to seek out a sort of happy and healthy sexual life, be it celibacy, monogamy or something in between. That’s not to say that I advocate doing any or everything you want sexually…I personally do believe everyone should have some moral compass and the ability to know when indulging desire is a bad thing. But overall, I do have an agenda here and that agenda is “sex positivity”: making empowered choices, accepting responsibility and managing one’s own satisfaction.
So when I see a comment from someone asking why I advocate having casual sex at all or fussing at a reader in a way that challenges their ability to be sex positive, it upsets me a little. I realize that I am to the ‘left’ sexually and that the woman who takes advice from Steve Harvey and his zoot suits may not be interested with what I have to say and that is fine. He, nor I, ain’t gotta be for everybody. But I do go to Mama Bear mode when I read feedback like “Why are you telling women to have sex outside of a relationship?” or some other such antiquated criticism about my approach.
It’s 2010 and there are a whole lotta other categories for women’s sexual identities in between “virgin” and “Slore”. If you want to carry yourself like Sister Mary Elizabeth, that is just fine. However, there are loads of other women who wish to have sexually active lifestyles- be they single, dating, married, e.t.c. And I’m gonna be right here encouraging them to make the best of those lives and to be just as convinced and confident with the word “Yes” as they are with “No.” The time for holding women to puritanical standards of feminine behavior ended a long time ago.
If you can’t process this info without judging so harshly (and let’s keep it really real: are you hating because you eschew certain behaviors? Or because you lack the confidence to govern your own sexual life without the ‘Virgin’/’Slore’ dichotomy to guide you? Perhaps you simply can’t get any?), then I must say that I think you need to revisit your stances a bit and be more tolerant. Sisters (of all races) are doing it for, to and with themselves…get with it or get on your way.
I like being free and while I realize that it isn’t for everyone, I’m gonna keep encouraging you to give it a try.