by Lauren Carter
Up until four years ago, I’d never dated much. I was more of a serial monogamist who occasionally took breaks from relationships to lick my wounds. But after a breakup in 2008, I immersed myself in the local music and nightlife scene, met lots of seemingly available men and began a long and exhausting foray into the social jungle that is the dating world.
For nearly three years, I met men who liked me enough to keep me within their circle of dating prospects, but not enough to move the relationship from casual to serious. They’d call me and text me and take me places and express all kinds of desires, just none of the long-term variety. At first I was fine with the casual relationships, but over time I got bored with the dating treadmill and longed for something more substantial.
Eventually, I found it, at McDonald’s of all places (but that’s another story). Looking back on my unintentional dating marathon, I realize why it took me so long to settle into a relationship. Because I had been dating these men:
The Successful Black Man – The Successful Black Man is a living, breathing chick magnet, and he knows it. He has a good job and a nice car, he lives on his own and has plenty of cash to globe-trot with all of his friends, all of whom are also Successful Black Men. He’s handsome and fit, has no kids and no prison bids to his credit. At first, meeting and dating the Successful Black Man feels like winning the lottery, until you realize that every other woman who meets and dates this Man thinks the same thing, and he knows this as well. Ultimately, this Man is so busy being the ultimate catch that he is perpetually “exploring his options” and doesn’t have the time or desire for a relationship with you. Dating, yes. Glamorous nights on the town when you cut the long line at the club and momentarily feel like a superstar, yes. But a committed relationship, not so much.
The Wannabe Rapper – The Wannabe Rapper is grinding hard. He’s writing lyrics and recording songs and performing at shows and promoting his latest CD all hours of the day and night. So the Wannabe Rapper doesn’t really have time for a girlfriend, unless she looks like those girls you see in rap videos, and even then he’d probably need a side chick. If he asks you to hang out, it will usually be a thinly-veiled booty call. And when you tell him he needs to step his game up, he might take you out to dinner, but only with a gift card he won at work. He has money to invest in his rap career, you see, but not to spend on you. And trust that if you’re hanging out with him on Tuesday, some other girl is spending Wednesday night at his house – excuse me, his parents’ house, because that’s where he lives while he’s trying to make it as a rapper, even though he’s pushing 30. Deep down, Wannabe Rapper is a decent guy, and he’s actually pretty funny, but he’s too busy trying to be a rapper, down to living the cliché rap lifestyle and keeping multiple women on standby, to be your boyfriend.
Source: tpegonline.wordpress.com
Guy With a Boat– Guy With a Boat is a cousin of the Successful Black Man. Maybe he doesn’t have a boat. Maybe he has his own business, or a law degree from Georgetown. Whatever the case, this man is a high-roller of sorts, and he’s kind of a big deal, and he knows it, so he can’t let you feel too important. That’s why he’ll text you and ask how you are, and when you respond and ask how he’s doing, he’ll never answer back. Or he’ll invite you for a romantic night on his boat and shower you with attention for 12 hours, then promptly forget you exist until the next summons to his floating chamber of love. He may even tell you a story about his really bad breakup four years ago, and how his heart has become an icy shell of pain and despair since then, and how he longs for the day that he can find a way to break through the anguish and learn to love again. But he’s most likely just feeding you lines to keep you around. For Guy With a Boat, it’s about maintaining control and power; the world is his chess game, and you’re just another pawn. He wants you there on his terms, and when he has more important things to tend to, like his boat, he’ll toss you overboard without a second thought.
Borderline Stalker –You know this man. You met him somewhere and had a nice conversation, and maybe a decent date, and then things got all kinds of creepy. Maybe you casually mentioned you were going to an album release party one night, and when you walked in to said party there he was, waiting for you by the door and thanking you for inviting him, even though you never did. After exchanging pleasantries you headed downstairs, where you met up with a male friend and Borderline Stalker proceeded to stare the two of you down all night – that is, until you decided to sneak out the back of the club for your own safety. Since then, there have been multiple unanswered phone calls and two denied Facebook friend requests. He may have even called you from a private number at 1 am because he knew you wouldn’t answer if his real number showed up on caller ID. Whatever the case, Borderline Stalker is inappropriate, disturbingly thirsty and, unlike the rest of the men on this list, way too available. He’s everywhere all the time, even though he barely knows you, and his behavior ensures that he won’t be getting to know you better anytime soon.
Weed Smoking Backpacker – The Weed Smoking Backpacker is usually high, and always carrying a backpack that is stuffed with a variety of mystery items, including his weed. He’s nice, he’s smart and he loves hip-hop, just like you. You’ll probably take him to a Wu-Tang Clan concert, where you’ll both wait anxiously by Wu’s tour buses after the show and hope to snap a picture with RZA. This Man might even invite you to a cookout with some of his closest friends, and you might think the relationship is progressing. But it’s not. Because you’ll be the one driving to the cookout – he doesn’t have a car– and he’ll be too busy rolling a blunt to smoke on the way down even though you’ve politely asked him not to smoke around you because you quit a long time ago. At the cookout, he’ll hit on a tall, blond bimbo while you’re roughly 15 feet away, because he’ll be too high to realize it’s inappropriate. The Weed-Smoking Backpacker might be good company at a rap concert, but unfortunately he’s too busy existing in a haze of weed smoke and oblivion to be relationship material.
Are you familiar with any of these men? Sound off in the comments.
Lauren Carter is a Boston-based writer who covers music, culture and race. Follow her on Twitter @ByLaurenCarter.
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