Do You Want What You Can’t Have? Why You Keep Chasing the Unavailable

Clearly, what Chin is really doing is exhibiting the very common infliction of what us Heteros have deemed attachment issues. While she likes to play it up as some sort of thrill seeking huntress manipulating her way into the cookies of straight women, what Chin is actually confessing to is being a commitment-phobe – someone who has an inability and unwillingness to connect beyond the physical. It’s less about the girls being straight as it is more about them being (seemingly) unobtainable, thus no real fear of what to do if they ever decided to stick around. If anything it just goes to show how average lesbians can be in the context of being emotionally messed up – to put it lightly.

Like Chin, there was a period in my life in which I sought out guys that clearly were unavailable. How do I know they were unavailable? Well, because they told me. But that didn’t stop me from hitching my wagon to the caboose of every distant and emotionally unavailable man I came across. Sure there were lonely nights and lots of crying. It was like being on a rollercoaster of emotions– hence my love affair with Vivian Green’s “Emotional Rollercoaster” song– and even though, I thought I hated every minute of it; I couldn’t get over it and soon was on to the next unavailable fellow.

I did this for years up until I got into a long term steady relationship with someone, who was attentive, interested and basically a stable presence in my life. I was bored. He was boring. He basically met all my needs and yet, nothing. Then it dawned on me: As much I thought I hated chasing these unavailable men, there was something about it that I desired. In short, I wanted these men, who I was in no danger of every actually securing, because I was in fact, unavailable.

Emotionally unavailable people are caught up in themselves, not so much because they are egotistical but because they have unresolved issues, possibly with their imperfect upbringings, which makes them incapable of giving themselves to a loving relationship. While some may take themselves completely off the market, some may hide from their internal struggles in the company of people they may like but don’t have a chance at accessing – or being accessed – emotionally.

I have chased away many of men in my day through both the rejection of stable relationships and through hanging out with men, whom I knew weren’t in it for the long term. Now I am pretty much alone although I do have male friends, many of which I kept at a distance. It took me years to recognize it. And now that I know full well what it is, I don’t know if it is possible or even necessary that I change – at least for now. What can I say other than I am comfortable and free from the burden of hurting people or being hurt.

What’s great about the Chin piece is that although she comes off as a female version of a douche bag, there is self-awareness in what she does. She even, kind of, alludes to it when she writes, “ Or maybe we are just like everyone else, desperately looking everywhere for love.” Similar in the way that single women chase after married men, or men chase after women, who identify as strictly lesbians or my infatuation with the emotionally unavailable men, we all are searching for a certain level of completion, which if we were being honest, will never be found externally. I think more women could benefit from this sort of honesty within and about themselves – regardless of sexual orientation.

More on Madame Noire!

PREVIOUS NEXT POST

2 of 2

Categories: LOVE