Do I Stay Single Like Jesus Or Do I Call Tyrone?

April 23rd, 2012 - By Brande Victorian

There’s a new book by North Philadelphia Pastor Jomo K. Johnson titled Call Tyrone: Why Black Women Should Remain Single Or… that’s causing a little buzz around the Internet. The book comes from the same preacher who wrote the controversial 2010 article, How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely, in which he talks about single christian women being exploited by men in the church, which is why I find this book that appears to do the same so interesting.

What Pastor Johnson claims is a new perspective on the traumatic life of the single black christian woman sounds no different from the Think Like a Man types that we’ve already blown through and dismissed—if you couldn’t already figure that out from the title. At first, the pastor gives this description of the book:

“First and foremost, [I] have a desire to inform and educate all women that they are precious and priceless in the sight of God,” he said. “Because of that, a woman shouldn’t lower herself in any way. In the book what I seek to do is exalt and extol the value of singleness; how it can be a gift of God [and] how it is a blessed gift. The Lord Jesus was single, and he was able to embrace his singleness and use it for the purpose of ministry. I also point to women in history who have given their lives in singleness and really thought to serve others. Singleness is something that the Bible really condones and promotes.”

But somewhere around the end he begins to encourage women to date interracially and then claims the book isn’t only for the lonely female types on the front pew:

“This book also serves as a wake-up call to African-American men who aren’t taking care of their own lives, [and] who aren’t seeking to be faithful or responsible to African-American women in their community.”

I’m pretty sure if none of us were born with fingers or toes we would still have more extremities than the number of men who are going to pick up a book titled Call Tyrone that is giving advice to black women about dating. If this pastor really wanted to help single women in the church find some husbands how about writing a book and engaging in some outreach to get those brothers inside the sanctuary.

Too often the church is guilty of sending mixed messages about being a single woman in church. I’ve often half-facetiously joked with the girls in my age group at the church I grew up in that if I get to be 35 and unmarried I’m just going to stop coming to church. It wouldn’t be because I couldn’t stand to be alone it would be because I couldn’t stand to be one of the women I see now who are singled out like a Beyonce single ladies video and hooked up with the one single man who enters the church every year. You can’t tell women not to be upset about being alone because we’re designed for companionship, then tell them it’s a blessing to be single like Jesus, and then act as though if they don’t throw themselves naked on the altar when the gates of heaven open and a single man happens to wander his way into a pew they’re not right.

I’ve seen the instances of the same five or six women being hooked up with the same brother over and over again. The matchmaking attempts are shameless and they won’t hesitate to throw you under the bus. Within one minute of being two feet from a single man someone will run up on him saying, Hi this is X, she’s single. You should go out. If there’s nothingbad about being single what’s with the sense of urgency to marry a woman off every chance they get? There seems to be an assumption that women aren’t just checking their watches in church to see when the preacher will be done with his sermon, they must also be watching their biological clocks tick toc by.

Simply going by the description this pastor has given of his own book I see no separation from the Steve Harvey ilk which is a shame. It would be refreshing for someone to only focus on the benefits of being a single woman and the rewards to your ministry. All you have to do is look at 1 Corinthians chapter 7 to read Paul’s thoughts on that. But somehow with this effort the group that is supposed to be set apart from the rest of the world sounds just like it, mimicking the same old tired meme about dating outside of one’s race while making assumptions about everyone’s desire to get married. I guess Pastor Johnson didn’t get the memo that we left that in 2011.

It completely makes sense that this preacher would write a book for women, that’s the audience in his pews every Sunday, but he certainly gets no points in my book while focusing on the flock instead of the sheep that got away. There’s a reason there aren’t any single men in the church and maybe Steve Harvey, Pastor Johnson, and Michael Baisden can put their heads together on that issue and the rest will fall into place.

Do you think the church places too much emphasis trying to hook up single women while telling them be content in the same breath?

Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.

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  • L-Boogie

     Honestly, women we are taught to think about “Prince Charming” from day one.  However, no one can be as good to you as yourself.  That is a hard lesson to learn and remember when in love but do not forget it. 

  • L-Boogie

     Honestly, women we are taught to think about “Prince Charming” from day one.  However, no one can be as good to you as yourself.  That is a hard lesson to learn and remember when in love but do not forget it. 

  • IntercourseIsPainful

    I think its about time that some satan workshippers publish a book and give their take on dating and relationships. 

  • Tay

    I am so lost as to why this is a issue or a need to have articles etc. Why is being black and single an alarming issue. Why is there such concern with single black women..why can’t they just live life and why does single equal unhappy and unfulfilled? ?

  • Kieraht

    When I was in my late 20s, I went to a YA conference at my church. I attended a workshop for women taught by a young female pastor. Her message changed my life and left the conference ready to begin my personal transformation.
    She reminded us that the Bible says “He that FINDS a wife, finds a good thing.” For the next 3 years I started becoming a wife, not just a woman. I stopped looking for a husband and decided to let my husband find me. When he found me, I wanted to be ready. Learning new talents and discovering new things about myself made me feel very whole in my singlehood, but also very hopeful and worthy. At 30 I decided I was relationship ready. I met the man who would be my husband that year.

    • Melyssa

      And this is the way it suppose to happen. IMO.

      I feel we as women do ourselves a huge disservice when we go against the grain in the dating scheme of things… Yes I know this is 2012 and we are all suppose to be independent but I am old skool, I still believe Jack is suppose to chase JIll.. Not the other way around.

    • DoinMe

      So true! I think that singleness is the time for women (and men) to discover who they are, what they want to become, and where they are heading. When all of these things are in place for self first, the rest will follow, including the RIGHT man, just not any ole man.  

  • icanbutiwont

    My church has 20 male and 216 female the last time we checked LOL. I’m serious.

    • Mls2698

      Maybe TiVo can change that.

  • Meleveya16

    The church I attend is clear on this: marriage is a way to honor The Lord. I don’t think they’re sending mixed messages per se, that’s like saying that the Bilble is sending mixed messages. In the Bible both singleness and marriage are seen as a blessing, that may come across as confusing (especially when someone tries to verbalize it), but to me it just means that you should be happy in whatever season you’re in (married or unmarried). 

  • Whattado?

    If you met some of these dudes at church, singleness would look a lot better! You have to deal with the ,  deacons looking at pyt’s like Big Mamma’s hot buttered biscuits after a 5 day fast, the gender confused effeminates looking for a cover girl, the fresh-out brother looking for some place to stay other than prison.  It’s a lot like the country song, “Looking for love in all the wrong places.”

    • Cherry

      Thats funny!! :-)

    • Melyssa

      LMBO….

    • DoinMe

      Ain’t that the truth. That’s why I don’t understand how churches can have singles ministries. Church is filled with a bunch of broken people with issues looking for everything BUT salvation. They need to leave the matching alone.

  • http://www.facebook.com/PhillyOpenAirChurch Jomo Johnson

    Story Correction:
    The Author of the Book “Call Tyrone” is not the same author as the article “How Black Churches Keep Women Single…”

    The author of the book is a Christian Male – the author of the article is a female.

  • Iguessso

    The solution is not a book, it’s faith in God.  If women pray for a man that God approves of, and they exercise faith in that, He will give them that, if that is His will.  Women in the meantime would have to follow the direction of the Holy Spirit for it to show them how to go about having  that man…that may mean, working on yourself emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.  It may also mean broadening your social circle.  If you never go out or expand your social circle, how are you going to put yourself in a position to receive Him?  Nine times out of ten, he won’t fall in your lap.  Another is to be patient and not let yourself becoming desperate.  We may want to hear the bells by 35, but God may not send us the right person until we’re 45.

    • Shika

      IGUESSSO-You said a mouth full! This is a major problem; people, male/female, don’t want to work on themselves. Unfortunately, they want something quick & therefore settle but God isn’t like that. He won’t give you something you’re not ready for because you’ll just mess it up.

  • FromUR2UB

    The church puts NO emphasis on trying to hook up single women.  That’s why singles ministry are filled with single women, ministered to by some married person saying, “Embrace singlehood!”.

    “If you’re there to meet men, you’re there for the wrong reason”.  Yeah, blah, blah…

  • Mls2698

    While its true that churches are mostly filled with women, they are not all single. Most of those women have husbands that don’t want to be dragged into church by their ear; they would rather sit home in front of the TV watching sports, and some are with their other women and outside children. Meaning, just like SHIKA said, more men need to stand up and be accountable for their spiritual and emotional well being.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_JAI4SRENU2A5WKRTELXXYJPDSI Kayla

    Even though I’m against religion. In what planet is it appropriate to be playing match making in church? Why are pastors making books helping black woman find a man? I don’t recall Jesus ever trying to hook up one of his disciples.  If there aren’t enough  men in the church find them elsewhere. And going by this article and other MN articles you’re better off finding them other places.  Religion aside, constantly bringing up the fact a woman is single, and constantly trying to hook her up is beyond rude. It gives off the illusion that she can’t find a man on her own, or that something is wrong with her, with not being able to attract a mate.  And maybe she wants to remain single. Not all woman have a desire to be married with kids, and a nice suburban house with a white picket fence. (Shocking I know).

  • Galenafiel

    No, I don’t think that at all. I’ve been perusing MN on a regular basis for a while now, and not recall ever reading such a ranting article in all this time. I want to reasonably consider what the writer is arguing, but it is difficult to see past the flavor of bitterness that shows through in her writing. My understanding of the belief to cherish singleness is that one (man or woman) should do so until a mate is found (or sent from God, whichever). I never understood that particular teaching/preaching to mean that a Christian should choose one or the other. That is an option only offered by the Catholic Church.

    Yes, our churches are running woefully low on marriable (made it up) black men, but that’s not the pastor’s or Steve Harvey’s fault. That blame falls solely on black men. It is not pastor’s job to round up husbands for the single women in his congregation. I’ve read this article again, and still don’t understand what side the author wants the reader to fall. Am i supposed to be mad that black men are attempting to address a real issue within the black community?

    • Netdandri

      I found it hard to follow the author’s point as well…

      I couldn’t force myself to read the whole thing.

  • Shika

    To tell the truth, I’m sick of all of these books telling women how to be women that are written by men. These same men need to write books telling men how they need to stand up, be accountable, & be the head of household God called them to be.

    • Galenafiel

       There are some books like that out there. However, the main issue is that not enough men are reading them. A woman is more likely to seek self-improvement than a man. Therefore, we are the better market for sales.

      • Lovelygirl

        exactly. men dont read these books, magazine articles.  these books are money makers…women will spend a lot of money to get poor advice from men.  have things changed? are these women finding mates for thinking like men?

        if you want to marry…this is how you go about it…1) stop making babies out of wedlock with deadebeats, expect a stable commitment 2) date men on your level, who are responsible and stable, who have standards and want to marry 3) dont be afraid to end bad relationships (dont allow a man to mistreat you), 4)LOOK TO THE WORD FOR GUIDANCE, not to man, 5) date men of other races, as well, 6) and figure out why you are not married not why Kobe doesnt date bw, focus on you.

        • Melyssa

          All Of. This.!!!!

          Cosign 10000x

    • FabienneDesrameaux

      Exactly!!!! Everyone thinks they should give advice about how women can keep a man its getting old. If men would step up and act like REAL men we wouldnt need to think like a man smh…im so ovr it.