How To Recover From Dating A Narcissist
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Mental health experts estimate that up to five percent of individuals have narcissistic personality disorder. Given that figure, there’s a good chance you’ll come across many narcissists in your lifetime. At this moment, you might work with one, be neighbors with one, or have an even more intimate relationship with one. Interacting with narcissists on a surface level, and infrequently, might be something a healthy person can manage, without being too impacted. But should you wind up in an intimate, romantic relationship with a narcissist, it can cause some long-term damage that needs to be assessed and healed.
Though narcissism is just one of 10 identified personality disorders, there’s something particularly unique about a narcissist that makes them dangerous to others: they’re psychological geniuses. While narcissists may not entirely understand their own flaws or how their minds work, they do understand how other people operate very well — and they can take advantage of that. Aria Craig, board-certified holistic mental health coach and bestselling author, spoke to us about how being with a narcissist changes a person and how to recover if you’ve experienced that type of relationship.
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All you see is him
“With narcissists, it’s almost psychological and emotional abuse,” says Craig. “There are feelings of inadequacy. You lose yourself because everything you’re doing is to support the relationship. You pour yourself into your partner. Narcissists are very insecure and they are controlling, so there is a level of manipulation that they have over their partner…let’s say it’s a man manipulating a woman. He has a level of control over his partner to the point that she has on blinders.”
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You’re better than him, and he knows it
Going back to the example of a male narcissist controlling a female partner, Craig says, “Because he’s insecure, he’s going to make her feel insecure about herself. He’s going to put her down, and limit her company because he doesn’t want to be in competition with anyone else. It’s all about him, it’s self-serving.”
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Narcissists put you on an island
When a woman gives into the manipulation, Craig says, “She loses connections with her family. She loses her identity. Everything she does is based on what he [the narcissist] says or thinks about her. And it’s intentional. He really does not think that about her. In fact, he thinks she’s better than he is. So the intent is reverse psychology – to make her believe that she needs him.”
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Friends bow out until you wake up
After leaving a narcissist, you may need to make amends to friends, explains Craig. “When you’re in love with someone, you can’t see past what’s in your face. Other people are looking in, and saying, ‘This is not a good relationship for you’ and you block that out…and when you block out their suggestions and put all your attention on this relationship, your friends are automatically put you on the sidelines. So they feel like ‘Okay I’m going to leave you where you are. And when you come to reality, then we can reconnect.’”
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Work suffers
“Even the way they are at work is different,” explains Craig about people under the control of a narcissistic partner. “They’re insecure. They feel inadequate. They’re going through a lot at home. And a lot of times, we bring that into our place of employment. Especially if the communication with the partner is back and forth during the day while you’re working.”
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How do you recover?
“You don’t see it right away,” says Craig. “It depends on the person’s tolerance level and what has transpired. Many people might not even know their partner is a narcissist. They just figure he has flaws. But when it comes to a period of time when you have lost your way on all fronts…you’re not yourself emotionally or psychologically…those have physical consequences too. Now your body is going through stress.”
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If you’re lucky, outside input gets in
Craig says sometimes having enough trusted individuals point out the way you’re changing can open your eyes. “We have people telling us ‘You don’t seem like yourself…your normal healthy patterns have shifted.’ That’s when you realize, ‘Okay something needs to be done.” You might seek therapy. Or coaching from someone who is specialized in certain behavioral disorders. They know how to ask the questions to figure out what’s going on in your life. Then you get the realization, ‘Oh my god. This is what’s causing me this problem.’ That’s when you seek help to empower you with tools to get out of the situation.”
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Not everyone leaves, even when they see it
“Some people view marriage differently than others. It depends on where you stand on marriage and divorce. Some people marry for life. They don’t care what situations occur. They are not divorcing. So some people will seek therapy just to figure out ‘How do I cope with this, so I can get on some level of happiness?’ But I’m not sure you can ever get to an optimal level of that when with a narcissist,” says Craig. “They drain so much out of you. But there are things you can do differently so it’s not zapping you of everything.”
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Can you get better at spotting it?
“There is definitely a pattern. A person has to learn what’s going on first. Just speaking to my own experience…I didn’t know that my husband was a narcissist,” Craig admits. “Somebody in his family had to tell me ‘Your issues sound the same as the first wife’s. I think you need to look into narcissistic personality disorder.’ There are a lot of characteristics that go with this personality disorder. I’ve done so much research on it.”
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Why do we seek out narcissists?
“When learning more about these characteristics, I realized I was actually surrounded by narcissists growing up in my home. In my family. So after learning more about this behavior, I realized why I made these choices as an adult. I was growing up with it in my childhood. Now that I’ve learned what it is, I have a whole different level of discernment about how I approach people.”
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Why do narcissists look for you?
“I’m an empath, and that’s why my narcissist husband chose me,” says Craig. “Narcissists very much know you’re empathetic. They know they can get away with certain things because they are masters of psychology and manipulation. Now that I identified this about myself, I’m not looking at this (empathy) as a weakness. But I have to be discerning so I can make better decisions.”
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Spotting a narcissist early
Craig says there are ways you can tell early that someone is a narcissist. “They’re very self-serving. Everything is about them. They’re constantly talking about themselves or who they know or their connections…If you have something that they need, you can tell that they are manipulating you. For instance, if they need to use your car. Or they need somewhere to live. At some point, you become their supply…Everything is about what you can do for them.”
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“Everything is your fault”
“If you have a disagreement, you’ll notice they don’t talk to you for days on end, that’s another sign,” says Craig. “A lot of them will give you the silent treatment for an extended period of time. And everything is your fault. When you’re having a disagreement, they flip it. You’re the cause. It’s how you’re looking at the situation. They take the accountability off of themselves. They have you thinking ‘Maybe it was me.’ They’re con artists, and they’re great at manipulation.”
