Why Men Cheat On Their Pregnant Wives - Page 8
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Noel Biderman, the founder of AshleyMadison.com – a site for married people seeking affairs – put a book out in 2014 called “First Bump.” The premise behind the book? Most men begin to cheat during or right after their wives’ pregnancies. There isn’t any hard data on how common infidelity during pregnancy is, but the man who created a business catering to philanderers probably knows a thing or two about its frequency. Celebrities have also given us some indication of how common it is for a man to wander outside the marriage when his partner is expecting.
What is it about pregnancy that drives men to cheat? Here are two interesting facts that don’t quite add up: one study found that, on average, men who cheat do so around year 11 of marriage. However, research also finds that, on average, couples wait three years after getting married to have kids. That three-year mark of making a baby doesn’t quite contend with that 11-year mark when men get the itch to cheat. So why the rise in infidelity during that very specific time of expecting a little one? What makes men break the norm of cheating behaviors, and stray, right then? To get some insight, we spoke with Shadeen Francis, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and sex and relationship therapist. Francis is a founding expert on Doyoumined.com, a self-help platform where users can find emotional wellness coaching, on-demand. Here’s what she shared about why men cheat on their pregnant wives.
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Grappling with a new identity
“People tend to cheat in order to experience themselves in a way they want to be seen,” explains Francis. “They may be in a happy relationship, but unhappy with who they have become or who they might be in the future. This can be especially true in the transition to first-time parenthood when expectant partners are not only working through the changes in their relationship to one another but also taking on a brand new identity.”
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With every kid, your role changes
“Our identities are a complex constellation of our roles, habits, skills, personality, dreams, and statuses. How we see ourselves is impacted by our romantic and familial relationships. Even fathers who already have children may feel a difference in transitioning from being a father of two to a father of three.” One study confirmed the concept that entering into the new identity of “father” causes a lot of stress for men, and the study also found that to handle that stress men often turn to “escape activities.”
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Her body and disposition are changing
“Pregnancy is a time when there is often a lot of change – as life grows in the womb and pregnant bodies undergo tons of changes, the relationship begins to change as well. Beyond the more obvious physical changes, pregnancy may change the carrying partner’s sexual desire, disgust responses, sensitivity to foods, energy levels, mood, mobility, and even how their body responds to touch.” In general, it’s common for a pregnant woman’s libido to drop during the first and third trimester, and spike during the second.
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Seeking support and crossing the line
“Partners do not always adapt well to changes together,” says Francis. “Stress, disappointment, anxiety, anger, fear, doubt, and shame can all fuel identity turmoil during this time. People may turn to support outside of the relationship in ways that betray their boundaries.”
The same study that found men turn to “escape activities” during this time said that the medical community isn’t entirely prepared to offer new fathers emotional support, and may not adequately prepare them for this change.
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It’s not always about sex
“Infidelity is not always pre-planned or about sex; it ultimately happens when people act out their desires outside of the relationship instead of working on things within them. This might be about an unmet need. The need could be sexual (e.g. more frequent sex, spontaneous sex, novelty, desire for particular sex acts) or it could be emotional (e.g. needing more attention, security, reassurance, to feel special or wanted).”
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A quick look at infidelity data
Though men have been found to be more likely to have extramarital sexual relationships than women, women are found to be more upset by an emotional affair than a physical one. On the reverse end of that, it’s men who are more disturbed by their partner’s cheating in a physical manner. Some experts theorize that men tend to cheat when they feel emotionally neglected – and that there has been a rise in this form of infidelity since women have taken on more roles in society. Now, women are tending to their children, to their careers, and to their husbands, and the very last of these might be overlooked.
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All eyes on mom
“Pregnant partners get a lot of attention, and there is often a hyper-focus on their needs in support of their efforts to bring new life into the world. Some partners are hesitant or discouraged from bringing up their concerns or unmet needs with their expectant partners for fear of seeming selfish or causing stress during an uncertain time. Sometimes they do bring up their issues, but reach an impasse in negotiations for changes that work for both parties.”
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What about dad?
It does seem the celebrations and events surrounding pregnancy are focused on the mother. Only recently did the “Dadchelor party” become a thing. And it’s still nowhere near as popular as the baby shower for the mother. Then there’s “Couvade” – a ritual through which a father takes to his bed while his wife is in labor as if he was going through the physical symptoms of his pregnant wife. Surveys have found that women perceive their husbands doing this far more than men report actually doing it. Translation: women say, “He’s getting his moment” and men are saying, “No I’m not.”
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Communication must be put to the test
During pregnancy, “Partners need to develop and practice their skills in vulnerable communication, demonstrating non-judgment and respect, interdependence (rather than avoidance or codependence), and negotiation,” says Francis. “If they were already finding these challenging, pregnancy might add another layer of difficulty.”
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Professional support can be useful
“Seeking support from a therapist, individually and/or as a couple can help develop new tools, heal from relationship betrayals, or if done early, help people navigate their concerns with integrity to prevent infidelity in the first place.” Pre-parenting counseling – also known as pre-baby counseling – can help couples decide how they’ll handle issues like, differences in parenting styles to intimacy issues in the relationship before the baby arrives.
