Bachelorette parties have always been my personal favorite part of any wedding. Everything else is so formal and highly scheduled. The bridal shower is always at some super-classy brunch place where we use tiny forks and eat soup that’s cold for some reason and have to pretend that giving the bride a g-string is so risky in our eyes because her sisters and cousins are there. The wedding can be fun but there are children and elderly individuals, and you have to watch your behavior to some extent. And there are just so many tiny traditions and fear around standing or speaking or sitting at the wrong time. The bachelorette party, in my opinion, is a gift amidst these other events so full of pomp and circumstance. That’s when it’s just the bride-to-be and her closest friends around whom she doesn’t mind letting loose. But now, along with every other in-person wedding event, the bachelorette parties have been canceled due to COVID-19. Damn. I mean, I get it, since these tend to involve a lot of not pandemic friendly events like putting cash in strippers’ underwear and dancing on poles and sharing large fishbowl drinks. But it’s still a bummer. If your bachelorette party had to be canceled due to the pandemic, you can still host a pretty fun one over Zoom, if you know how to plan it correctly. Better yet, have the friend who was in charge of planning the IRL one, plan this one. Here are ways to have a great Zoom bachelorette party.
It can be an all-day, multi-parter
When your friend has a real bachelorette party, it’s not typically just a dinner or just lunch. It can be an all day/all night thing, or even a weekend getaway. And you know what? It still can be. It can be nice to break up the monotony of the quarantine by having a multi-part virtual bachelorette party in which you all log in for multiple activities over a one or two-day span.
Start with a boozy virtual brunch
Start with a boozy brunch, just as you likely would with a real bachelorette party. Send some good champagne to the bride-to-be’s home. If everyone attending lives in town, you can order delivery or takeout from the same spot, so you truly enjoy the same meal. Or you can send everyone a recipe for something you’ll brunch on together, like blueberry pancakes or chicken and waffles.
Then sunbathe together
Move onto sunbathing together, just like you might if you were having this bachelorette party at a pool in Las Vegas or Palm Springs. Everyone probably has some way to sunbathe, whether it’s their own pool, a balcony, a roof deck, or a front lawn. It could make it fun if everyone orders the same penis-shaped pool floaties to lounge on in advance.
Move into the evening activities
Then it’s time for the evening activities. And what do women do before those? They get ready together! So you could all hop on the virtual call while you’re doing your makeup and straightening your hair. It’ll be like you’re in a hotel room together. And you can start sipping your drinks and having appetizers, too.
Wear matching outfits
You can still order the silly matching outfits, like the ones with a logo or hashtag for the bride. Get the bride her sash and crown. You can all wear your penis hats and silly fake pearls and tutus. Later in life, these will be the memorabilia from this bachelorette party—that’s what it’s about, more than wearing them out somewhere right now.
Send out the cocktail recipe in advance
Send out a cocktail recipe everyone should make at home and enjoy together. Obviously something like a Buttery Nipple Shot, Sex On The Beach, The Cure Of Blue Balls, or some other sex-themed cocktail will be appropriate.
Send everyone the same cheesy cups/straws
Everyone should order the same cheesy cups and straws in advance, too. You know the ones. The pink flamingo cups or plastic bright green margarita cups and penis straws everywhere. You could order some fun cocktail napkins or beer koozies too—customized beer koozies for this bride’s party will be a huge hit.
Send the bride some sexy gifts
Send her the gifts you wouldn’t have given her at her bridal shower, in front of her sister-in-law and cousins. Send her the cinnamon-flavored lubricant, the edible underwear, the vibrator, the anal beads, the furry handcuffs, the whip,—the whole kit and caboodle. Have her open them in front of everyone on the call.
Play the traditional questionnaire game
Play the traditional game in which you print out questions about the bride and groom. Send everyone a copy. Have people write down their guesses and read their answers aloud. And then you can give a sexy gift to the winner like a butt plug with a unicorn tail on it or flavored condoms.
Zoom in a stripper
Hey, strippers need ways to make money right now, too! Some are forming online clubs and finding unusual methods to still make a buck. You can easily have a stripper perform for your bachelorette party on Zoom or another virtual platform. You can throw fake monopoly money at the screen, and then actually tip the guy using Venmo or another pay app after.
Set your background
Create a fun background you can all use, like the inside of a limousine, a famous Las Vegas rooftop pool, a strip club, or other traditional ideas. You can also go anywhere you all want on Zoom, like the Eiffel tower or Mars or a cruise. Make sure everyone sets their background to the same thing to set the mood.
Take a Zoom sex class together
Hire someone who teaches a professional sex class to educate you ladies. You can take classes on blow jobs, squirting, backdoor play, toys—you name it, and there is a sex educator out there ready to teach you, demonstrations and all. If that’s not an appropriate class to take during a bachelorette party, then I don’t know what is.
Or have a Zoom sex toy party
You can also have a sex toy party, in which someone who sells all sorts of sex toys gives you virtual demonstrations. You could also all order a sample box in advance, so you can play along and see how the toys work yourself at home. That makes a pretty good goodie box for a bachelorette party, too.
Share embarrassing stories about the bride
After you’ve all had some beverages, take turns sharing embarrassing and hilarious stories you have from your memories with the bride. If you have photos you can share, even better. And if you want to prepare a PowerPoint presentation, you’ll get extra points.
The post-morning spa day
Just like you would after a real bachelorette party, you need to recover together. Everyone should have a basket of spa goodies like bubble bath and face masks and makings for green juice or mimosas. You can have monogrammed robes, and sit back and detox after your big night.