How To Deal When You Want Another Child But Your Partner Doesn’t
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Some people want a house full of children. Others only want one or two. Some never wrote children into their plans at all. We all have some kind of vision for our families. And sometimes the vision that you have doesn’t always align with your partner’s. It can be frustrating and overwhelming when you and your spouse disagree about expanding your family because it’s a decision that will alter your lives forever.
“This is something that’s ultimately a yes or no answer, and it can feel in a marriage, like there is someone who wins this battle and loses this battle,” clinical psychologist Jocelyn Charnas told She Knows. “By virtue of that, it can be very emotional and painful.”
Even though it can feel like the sky is falling when you find yourself in this position, differing opinions about adding to your family isn’t an uncommon issue. Here are some ways to navigate this problem with your partner in a constructive way:
Get their perspective
Find out how your partner believes another child will alter your family dynamic. What aspirations do they have for the future? How might a new baby throw a wrench in those plans?
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Empathize with their concerns
Although the desire for another child can feel all-consuming at times, try to have an open mind and empathize with the concerns your partner may have about adding to your family. Don’t seek to invalidate them. Hear them out completely.
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Seek counseling
Sometimes speaking to a third party can help to uncover issues and hangups that you didn’t realize you had in your relationship. A few sessions with a counselor could bring a lot to the surface regarding your partner’s reluctance to have more children.
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Be honest with yourself about why you want another child
Peer pressure is real, even in adulthood. And sometimes, when your friends are on their second and third pregnancy announcement, it can feel like you’re missing out by joining the club. It can’t hurt to do a self-check to be sure that you want to have another child for the right reasons.
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Talk to friends with multiple children
A great way to get a feel for what life is like with multiple children is to speak to your friends with families larger than your own. If they’re willing to truly be transparent, they can help you to understand the highs and the lows.
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Don’t apply pressure
The last thing you’ll want is to pressure your partner into having a child they’re not sure that they want. This could backfire in catastrophic ways.
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Table the conversation
In most cases, the decision to have another child is not one that needs to be made overnight — even though it can sometimes feel that way. If you and your partner are at a stalemate, consider giving it a rest and revisiting the conversation in a few months or even a year. You’d be surprised what can change by then.
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Pray for guidance
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Find out what their parenthood experience has been like
Not all parents experience parenthood the same — even when raising the same kids and living under the same roof. While parenting may come naturally to you, it could be a struggle for your spouse. Instead of assuming that you know how things have been, ask and then listen without interrupting.
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Live in the now to keep resentment at bay
When it looks like your dreams of expanding your family may not come to fruition, it’s easy for resentment to set in. To keep these feelings at bay, try to live in the present and appreciate the precious time that you spend with the children you already have.
