Should You Accept A Long-Distance Proposal - Page 9

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One of my good friends has been in a long distance relationship for four years and the guy just proposed to her. Your immediate reaction may be “No! Bad idea!” I don’t blame you. Mine sort of was. And, for many individuals in that situation, I probably would say, “Get our while you can!” I’m not a huge proponent of long distance relationships to begin with—proposal or no proposal.

Ideally, you already have a sense of what it’s like to spend your life with someone before legally committing to actually spending your entire life with that person. And, the truth is that being long distance really doesn’t give you the opportunity to experience life together. It gives you the ability to experience some vacation/real life Frankenstein of a situation. But not real life.

So, of course, when two people who have never lived in the same home let alone the same city get engaged, there can be some concerns. That being said, I’ve started to see matters of the heart as less black and white as I’ve gotten older. While a younger me would have said, “There is no way that marriage will last and this is 100% a bad idea,” an older and (hopefully) wiser me lands somewhere in between. Every situation is subjective, and though we are accustomed to thinking long distance=disaster, I’m starting to look at things on a more case-by-case basis. Perhaps this pertains to you or to someone you know. If it’s you, then you have a pretty big decision to make, and you have to make it without the information most couples get first (aka the information that comes with living in the same city). So, should you accept a long/distance proposal?

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How long has it lasted?

Long distance relationships—the bond between the people in them—simply don’t progress at the same rate as same-city relationships. They can’t possibly. There are so many elements to a relationship that are slowed down significantly by the long-distance factor. The best way to get a real sense for compatibility is by living in the same city and seeing each other somewhat regularly, all while juggling regular responsibilities. Long distance couples don’t get that.

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Now divide that by three

The truth is that one year long distance equates to about three months in real time. That may be a generous estimation. A long distance couple who has been together for a year should not consider themselves ready for the same things a same-city couple is ready for at year one. Take however long the long distance couple has been together, divide that by three, and then decide, based on that number, if it’s time to get married.How long has it lasted

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How long are the visits?

When the two visit one another, are these long, multi-week trips when they’re forced to conduct their normal lives (maybe one is working remotely during the visit) during the trip? Or are they short trips built around holiday weekends and vacation days?

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Long distance needs long visits

You can’t get a real feel for a relationship in infrequent three-day bursts. If the visits have always been short, that comes with the pressure of “Okay we need to get along because if we get in a fight that’ll ruin this very short trip and then we won’t see each other for a while!” Nobody is truly themselves under those conditions. You need long visits to see how compatible you really are. You need to see how you fare with the understanding that this person isn’t going anywhere any time soon.

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How are visits spent?

Now, how does the couple spend their time together when they are together? Is it each person carrying out their usual business—working (one doing so remotely, of course), using alarm clocks, going to the gym, and so on? Or does the couple take a break from real life when they’re together only doing special things like wine tasting and going to shows and taking road trips?

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Visits should resemble real life

As you may have guessed, it’s concerning if a couple who basically just vacations together gets engaged. Life won’t always be vacation, and they don’t know how they’ll get along when, say, one person gets home eager to hang out and have sex while the other is stuck on a long conference call that leaves her cranky and wanting to be alone. That is such a regular scenario that many long distance couples don’t experience.

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How old is the couple?

Look, the reality is that a lot of these considerations may be able to be disregarded if the couple in question are no spring chickens. There comes a time in a person’s life when she knows who she is and what she wants, and gets a pretty accurate assessment of someone with limited information.

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If they’re young…

I worry about young people getting married at all—even if they live in the same town. However, I especially worry about young long distance couples getting engaged. They’re adding the element of barely knowing themselves—their individual identities—to the element of not really knowing what it’s like to live with their partner.

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The plan should be formed

It’s so important that the plan is almost fully formed. It should already be decided who is moving where. If that person will need to find new employment, what’s being done about that? When will the move occur? A couple cannot and should not attempt to figure all of that out while also planning a wedding. It’s just too much to handle.

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Do they have shared circles?

Has the person who will move for this marriage developed some sort of social circle in her soon-to-be new city? Does she have friends out there? Professional contacts? During this long distance relationship, has she managed to nurture some life of her own outside of her partner, in her future home?

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Your partner can’t be your life

I worry about long distance couples in which one person moves for the other because they launch their life on uneven playing ground. One person (the one who doesn’t have to move) starts out with his life all settled, and the other has nobody. That’s a lot of pressure for that relationship. Then add a marriage and the person who moved can feel even more that her relationship is her whole life.

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Will it be a long engagement?

What’s the plan for the engagement? Is this going to be a regular timeline? Maybe a one-year or 18-month engagement? Or are they hoping to get married fast? Maybe they want a super long engagement, feeling there is no reason to rush.

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Go for a long one

Long distance couples should have a long engagement. There’s no such thing as too much time spent getting to know each other, and long distance couples can be behind in that area. Furthermore, planning a wedding when you live in the same city as your partner is hard enough. Add distance and it’s a logistical nightmare.

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This can’t be a fantasy

What’s important for any long distance couple before getting married is doing what they can to replicate a regular relationship. Marriage won’t be a vacation from real life forever, the way it’s been in the long term relationship during those special visits, so it’s important that this couple gets a taste of living in the same city before putting a ring on it.