“When A Man Completely Takes Control, You Don’t Have A Lot Of Say” T.I. And Tiny Discuss Power Struggles In Their Relationship
The second part of T.I. and Tiny’s episode of Red Table Talk aired today. There is a lot to discuss. Today, we’ll just highlight the episode and tomorrow we’ll discuss. Check out the highlights from the sit down below.
T.I.: Well, we had some starts and stops and there was…
Tiny: Well actually we were supposed to get married in 2007.
T.I.: I don’t remember that.
Tiny: We were planning a whole wedding. Anyway, that didn’t work out.
T.I.: It was my fault probably.
Tiny: Of course it was.
T.I. We learned in counseling, it takes two people to mess up a relationship.
Tiny: Well, they say that. But I really feel like sometimes it takes one because one person can be like, they’re dealing with it and dealing with it and dealing with it and still trying to make things work and the other person can be doing the opposite.
T.I.: I tend to listen to the experts.
Tiny: It didn’t work out and we also lost a baby around that time.
Gammy: I’m so sorry to hear that.
Tiny: And that’s actually what brought us back together again.
T.I.: It seemed like every time we tried to break up, somebody died.
Tiny: That’s true.
T.I.: We had a very tumultuous year that year. We lost the baby and not too long after that I caught my case. We had a rocky year but we survived.
Tiny: After your first case is when it was like, ‘Okay, are you going to marry me or not? I been a good woman, been in the house, waiting on you to get all out of jail.’
T.I.: Speaking honestly and truthfully since this is safe place, I really did feel that at that point in my life, if I didn’t get married then, I wasn’t going to never get married. My dad died without being married. And the thing he told me before he died was ‘Find somebody to share your life with.’ That’s what it’s all about because she could go out and find fun anywhere. And so could I.
Tiny: We know you can!
T.I.: But I don’t want to start over. I ain’t got time. I’m impatient now. Stuck in my ways. Love me or leave me alone.
Filing for divorce
Tiny: The first time we couldn’t get the papers to him. They couldn’t catch him.
T.I.: They got a job to do. I got a job to do. They had the wrong people. I’m not finna do your job for you.
Jada: So he finally got his papers. Y’all were living separate lives. You were talking about how marriage steals a man’s masculinity.
Tiny: He says that it wasn’t about us. I will never believe that.
T.I.: I have no reason to lie. I’m in a safe place.
Tiny: You won’t own up to it. It was insensitive for you to put out such a thing when you know the world is watching.
T.I.: Sensitivity is left in the eye of the beholder. What I feel is sensitive may not be what she feels is sensitive. So everybody has their own levels of triggers.
Jada: That’s true. That is very true.
Gammy: After so much time together, I would think that you would be more aware of her triggers.
T.I.: I’m a little slow. I’m a late bloomer.
Jada: Can I just explain to somebody after having been with somebody for 25 years. No. Uh no.
Tiny: But I don’t hear about it. Whatever their business is, I don’t hear him [Will] speak about it so much. I don’t hear him saying the things that you have once said.
T.I.: You want honesty or no? Because it’s better to know how someone feels…
Tiny: You can tell me. Call me. Don’t tell everybody.
Gammy: It’s the public stuff.
T.I.: I feel somewhat of a philosopher of sorts. So if there is a perspective that I feel is interesting that I would like to share with people for the purpose of advancement of the generation, then I don’t think that is something that I have to…
Tiny: Even if it goes against how it would make your wife feel? You care about how they feel versus your wife.
T.I.: No, no, no. Not how they feel. This is about advancement.
Tiny: You want to teach them but make your wife feel a certain way.
T.I.: At the very time that that came out, my calls were blocked. I had no access to get to you and I had been relieved of duty as the person responsible for attending to her needs.
Jada: What was the last straw for you that made you file?
Tiny: When I could not get him to respond. Nothing was working and he was just like, ‘I’m going to move how I want to move.’
On Tiny finding her voice:
Tiny: What’s he’s trying to say is, I went and found my own voice. He was used to saying, ‘Okay no, we’re moving this way.’ And I would be like, ‘Ok.’ But when he came home, ‘He was like we’re moving this way. And I’d be like, ‘No, I got this to do.’ And he’s like, ‘That’s not the way.’ That’s not what he was used to. He was used to controlling things and having things his way at all times. But once I got on my own two feet, I felt like I should have voice too.
T.I.: It’s not about your voice. Go out there and get your voice and it can be as loud as you want it to be. However, you must know how to use that voice. Now, the fact that you may have muted yourself. You could have always said whatever it is you wanted to say, even if it led to me saying, ‘You know what this ain’t for me.’ That is the decision and a sacrifice that a woman must be willing to make for that voice. I never told you, you couldn’t say. I had my list of how I wanted things to go. When you were not okay with anymore, which is understandable, you changed your mind. I went to prison that caused you to explore different parts of your voice. You can’t use your voice to go against me. We’re supposed to be together. And that to me, maybe it was because it was so new to you, maybe you hadn’t learned how to control it yet.
Tiny: It actually wasn’t new to me. Because when you have a man who says, ‘Don’t work, don’t do this. I want to take care of everything, ‘ There’s something hidden behind that. To me, I feel like when a man wants to be your end all, be all then that means you have less of chance to say I’m moving this way or I’m going this way. When a man completely takes control, takes care of you, you don’t have a lot of say because you are dependent on this man. So for a long time because you didn’t want me to work, not trying to sing anymore.
T.I.: I never stopped an Xscape album.
Tiny: There was no Xscape but you know that there were other things I wanted to do with music. And you asked me to not work and you was going to take care. He said I’ma take care of all of it. And he did.
T.I.: And you agreed. That was consent.
Gammy: I know but sometimes when you agree to something then you realize it doesn’t really work for you. Sometimes you have to experience something because you think you want to do it because you want to be in agreement with you. She loves you.
Jada shared that this conversation, this problem is what she and Will had to work through.
Gammy: She felt like she lost herself in supporting Will in his dreams and his career and the idea he had of what their relationship was going to be.
T.I.: When a man cannot provide for his family, he’s less of a man. But when a man provides everything he’s being controlling.
Jada: Let me just say this and Tiny you correct me if I’m wrong but just let me know if we’re on the same page. Yes, we do relinquish a lot of our power to our men that we’ve given all our lives to. At first, I gave it all over. And you get just a little disappointed because you feel like I gave it all to you and you took it and you misused it. You stopped listening to me. That’s your first thought. Then as you start coming into yourself and your own power you go, ‘Oh man Jada, that was your choice though.’ And he did the best he could. And honor the fact that he wanted to and honor the fact that he tried… You know what else we have to release in our relationships, that power struggle.
You can watch the full episode in the video below.