#IMadeTheChoice: 4 Black Women Share Their Abortion Stories - Page 3
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It was just last week when actress Busy Philipps launched the conversation #YouKnowMe on social media based on the statistic that 1 in 4 women have had an abortion.
While not all abortions harbor feelings of shame and reduction, there is power in visibility and the willingness to be seen, as well as heard.
So I asked four Black women whom I know personally, if they would share their abortion stories here. And bravely, they did. One reached back to relive the abortion she had in the early 1970’s before the landmark Roe v. Wade case, which affirmed that access to a safe abortion was a constitutional right. Another terminated her pregnancy in order to circumvent death. One shared her experience of having a second-trimester abortion at 15, while another was forced to make the decision right at the cusp of early adulthood.
And even as all the stories of the four above mentioned women cross and intersect, I still have not included the voices of every person who has chosen to terminate a pregnancy: members of the LGBTQ community. I call on all of us (including myself) to be more accountable and remember to practice true inclusivity in this conversation.
In total 8 states have passed restrictive abortion legislation since the beginning of 2019. In Alabama, where the most restrictions are currently held, women are banned from receiving abortions, even in cases of incest or rape. Other states such as Georgia and have inflicted a heartbeat rule, which states that abortions cannot be administered if a fetal heartbeat can be detected, which occurs around six weeks. At this stage, many don’t even know they’re pregnant.
While these laws have been proven to have no medical basis and also do not take into account the myriad of health complications that pregnancy warrants including ectopic pregnancies and miscarriages, it is clear that this legislation is an attack on reproductive rights, especially the reproductive rights of Black women; a group who has withstood centuries of state-sanctioned violence over their bodies in America. In fact, these attempts to ban abortion will do the exact opposite and will undoubtedly open the door for harmful and possibly deadly procedures. Safe access to abortion is healthcare.
As social media and news topics continue to pull us into spaces where we feel forced to talk about deeply private decisions, I hope we continue to amplify the Black voices oftentimes left out of these important conversations surrounding reproductive rights in America.
More than anything, I hope that this sparks the deeply needed conversation within the Black community to reverse any shame and to reaffirm the right to maintain autonomy over our bodies.
*Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of the individuals.
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Name: Anita
Age: 67
“There was a time that I was very conflicted after the fact of termination and it messed with me emotionally and spiritually but as the years progressed I have learned to forgive myself.”
I was 20-years-old when I made the decision to terminate the pregnancy. I had recently ended a four-year relationship that I was very much in love with at the time. This was in the early 70’s and the breakup was complicated due to him fathering a child with someone else. The abortion took place in a tenement residence in Harlem by a woman who was a nurse who helped girls/women who were “in trouble.”
Her place was clean and I remember her disposition was one of empathy and no judgment. It took place in one of the bedrooms as she prepared for the procedure which did not involve surgical instruments. What was used was a hot water bottle (back in the day women would use this for feminine hygiene known as a douche).
I remember the smell of Lysol or some other form of disinfectant with very warm water, which was inserted, into my vagina area. It has been awhile since I relived this experience and it is one that stays with me [which] sometimes can be triggered by seeing a mother with her child or like now with people trying to rescind a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy.
There was a time that I was very conflicted after the fact of termination and it messed with me emotionally and spiritually but as the years progressed I have learned to forgive myself. This has been a little hard as I reach back looking the rear-view window of my mind but what a woman does with her body is between her and God.
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Name: Blue
Age: 33
“We deserve the right to choose our how, our why, our when. We deserve the right to choose ourselves.”
I wanted Junior with everything in me. I spoke to him, and often cried to him. Anxiety, worry and hope pushed and pulled on me. I was a 20-something college student with limited resources and an abusive boyfriend miles away. Thinking back, the stress took its toll, and my son was born at a premature 5-months. Stillborn, they said. I share this because I still mourn Junior but I know that he wasn’t meant to be here. I still have trouble speaking about it, and although my family knows, very few have discussed it with me. The trauma and shame was overwhelming; it took years for me to trust my body again.
Years later, I get pregnant again, still in my twenties. I hope and pray my baby will make it. I see my gynecologist and tell her I’m having pain, she gives me a follow-up appointment. I’m taking extra precautions, I want my baby. However this time they said my baby is ectopic. I had never heard the word ectopic before but knew from the doctor’s tone of voice that it wasn’t good. I immediately started crying. The pregnancy was not viable and posed a threat to me, they said. A pill was prescribed that would remove the life growing inside of me and save mine. I followed the doctor’s orders, but it all felt very cold and matter-of-fact. It felt as if I was being told, “Take this or die.”
It’s strange how life can be so deadly, how us women are given few tools to deal with all the intricacies of reproduction. [We], the trauma survivors are then told to hush up about the experience or expose our pain so the world is forced to see. Why should others have a say in what’s mine? Why should I be open about matters the world would rather hide? Why choose life in this cold harsh world? We should be given all the tools and guidance to protect one of our most precious gifts, our souls. Healthy knowledge about sex, our bodies and reproduction is powerful. We deserve the right to choose our how, our why, our when. We deserve the right to choose ourselves. I decided to give myself more life, a decision that was mine in the beginning.
Women bear the weight of carrying life. We feel life growing from within. We also feel death. We make the hard decisions, and we live (and sometimes die) from those decisions. There’s no room for judgment in my womb. However some people try to shove judgment down our throats, as if the pain and shame isn’t enough. We must do better to support our women, remove the judgment and get out of her womb. The shame and guilt belongs to more than just women, our entire society should feel ashamed and guilty.
Abortion is not easy on anyone, but it has been around since the start of time. Women have found ways to make hard choices, often hurting themselves in the process. With the advancement of medicine, safer options are provided. Better choices can be made. There’s really no way to ban abortions, this is beyond man’s power. We’ll only be banning the facilities—taking us backwards to procedures and options we’d rather forget. Again I ask, “Why choose life, in this cold harsh world?” Give us choice, give us options, give us support; give us back our wombs or else.
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Name: Ella
Age: 34
“It was like deciding to take the red or blue pill, forever changing the trajectory of my life.”
Three weeks after my 18th birthday I found out I was pregnant. I had just ended my tumultuous relationship with my high school boyfriend and [was] scared out of my mind. I was a graduating senior and prior to my pregnancy, the biggest concern in my life was determining which college I would attend. The only thing I knew for sure was that I wanted to keep my baby. This was a shocking realization because I’d previously thought that if I got pregnant I’d immediately get an abortion and wouldn’t consider another option. Many years later, and I still don’t fully understand the complete shift in my teen pregnancy plan of action.
Of course I was concerned about the unknown and uncertainty of being a teen mom. How would I afford being a parent? My parents had always threatened to kick us out. How do I even tell my parents? What about college? What kind of life would I provide for my child? The father wanted me to abort and coerced me to sign a document terminating his parental rights if I didn’t have an abortion.
After a week I finally told my mother. She was angry and confirmed all my fears of failing my own life and my child’s. I was the only one who wanted me to be a mother and I knew I couldn’t be a good parent without proper support. So, I decided to have an abortion.
My mom made up an excuse to my father about our whereabouts and first thing in the morning one MLK day we drove out-of-town to a clinic. There were many women there. All ages. All races and ethnicities. My mother controlled the situation. There were two options—a pill or D&C. I wanted to choose the pill but my mother chose the D&C because of fear that the bleeding after the pill would make my dad suspicious paired with her concern that it may not fully work. I remember The Matrix was playing in the background. At one point a nurse gave me a pill after informing me that after I take the pill I can’t change my mind. It would be the first part before the D&C. It was like deciding to take the red or blue pill, forever changing the trajectory of my life.
Finally, I had to have an ultrasound before the procedure. That was just the beginning of the tears. The procedure was so painful—I’d never even had a Pap smear prior—and they called my mom to help me calm down. She was pissed that I wasn’t “taking it as well as the other girls” and I just prayed that it would be over soon. During the procedure the nurses said at least the pain will remind me not to put myself in that position again and to get on birth control immediately. After I cried all the tears I had, I remember being numb for months. A handful of people knew, which then turned into many over the years. I never drank in high school but in college I used alcohol to numb the pain. I used to get extremely depressed during what I picked out as my child’s “birthday.” My child would turn 16-years-old this year.
I started therapy a few years ago and it helped me to deal with the pain and guilt and to forgive myself. I also realized that having an abortion was the best decision I could have made for my life and for a possible child’s life.
Having an unwanted pregnancy was one of the most emotionally taxing experiences of my life. It is reprehensible that laws are passed to making it an even more grueling experience. For many women, not all, this is not an easy experience and it is one that will stay with them throughout their lives. Women who choose abortion are in need of support and never punishment.
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Name: Denise
Age: 30
“I didn’t feel shame then, I felt pride that I had made such an adult decision for the betterment of my life. I didn’t need to have a baby that young, nor by the man by whom I had gotten pregnant.”
I was 15 when I had my first abortion. I was deeply in love with the father of the child, but I was in high school and adamant on not becoming a teen mom. I had such high hopes for my life and I knew having a child at such a young age would undeniably hinder my dreams. I was too embarrassed to tell my parent[s]. My friends offered moral support as I dragged myself to school everyday, suffering through immense first trimester morning sickness. I was naïve and because I knew I had the option to undergo an abortion, procrastinated until I went in for the procedure and found out I had to have a second-trimester abortion, which would consist of a two-day procedure.
I didn’t feel shame then, I felt pride that I had made such an adult decision for the betterment of my life. I didn’t need to have a baby that young, nor by the man by whom I had gotten pregnant. In hindsight, I profoundly underestimated human life. But I don’t regret my decision, just that I waited so long to do it. Second trimester abortions are intense and daunting.
There were protestors outside the abortion clinic the day I was scheduled to go under. I was so afraid; I walked right by the clinic as if it weren’t my destination. Afraid I’d miss my appointment, I doubled back and tried not to look at the dismembered fetuses on the photos they toted so easily. It made the entire experience that much worse.
The hardest part about making the decision to get an abortion was being in love with the father of the child and letting go of the innate joy I felt having a life inside me. It feels golden.
With these current bills being enacted into laws, I realize how blessed I was to have access to safe medical care. The procedure is terrifying enough, but I didn’t feel like I was jeopardizing my life. I was more so concerned for my reproductive organs, but didn’t face any complications.
I don’t believe legislators should have a say over what women do with their bodies especially when women bear the brunt of parenting. I fear women will go to unhealthy lengths to get abortions if women are criminalized for seeking the procedure. History has shown what happens to women with limited options.
To other women who may be feeling shame about the decision to abort, I think you have to make the best decision you want for your life because no one can live your life but you.
