How To Manage Expectations And Really Enjoy Your Mother’s Day
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Whether you’re nearing your third trimester or you’re two teenagers and a toddler into motherhood, it’s no secret that Mother’s Day can bring pressure and expectations typically from those who think motherhood should appear or be experienced a certain way. Honestly, I’m not all that excited by thoughts of brunches with bottomless mimosas, nor am I desperately craving a day of self-care surrounded by bath bombs and my spouse making dinner. The truth is I prefer to make my own damn baked mac and cheese. Honestly, with working and maintaining a balance of my responsibilities at home and work, I don’t really mind a day of napping and cuddling with my kid or blowing bubbles with her in the backyard. I don’t want the pressure of putting on clothes or doing my hair to be surrounded by strangers celebrating in our shared responsibility of care giving. Call me anti-social, but I’m willing to bet what most moms want for Mother’s Day is to be unbothered. Like most holidays, I believe these times are just special moments to acknowledge family, friends and those we love, particularly if we haven’t been able to show them the appreciation and time they really deserve all year. Often times the bare minimum is more than enough, and more than anything moms want and need support and appreciation all year round.
Like most holidays, Mother’s Day has a way of creating expectations of how the day should go which depending on every individual’s experience can bring a whole lot of disappointment when what actually takes place is departure from what we may have anticipated. All too often we get caught up in the excitement of flowers, cards and spa days that we actually forget to enjoy ourselves and focus on what the day is truly about. In fact the day as we have come to know it was started in 1908 by Anna Jarvis, a woman who was unmarried and had no children. Jarvis started the day as a continuation of the work her mother had done to unite mothers in times of war. Jarvis had a simple intention in the early 1900’s to set aside a day to recognize the sacrifices women made for their children and actually spent much of her latter life denouncing the commercialization of the day and even attempted to have it removed from the calendar.
So before you go getting worked up over bouquets and breakfast-in-bed, know that outside of all of the gifts and kind words, at the heart of it all Mother’s Day is time for mothers to feel seen and supported. Here are few tips for enjoying your day even if doesn’t exactly meet your expectations:
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Steer clear of social media.
I am currently on a social media fast because honestly, I was tired of hearing everyone’s opinions on “Avengers: Endgame”, “Game of Thrones” and everything in between before I got the chance to form my own. In addition, as we all know when it comes to social media and holidays, either someone is hijacking everyone’s Easter or Valentine’s Day with a pregnancy reveal or engagement announcement or writing essays that honestly could be just sent to an inbox. As nice as it is for people to share their celebrations with the world, you’re entitled to a Mother’s Day that is completely about you which is difficult if you’re busy comparing who got a bigger rose bouquet.
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Admit that Mother’s Day brunch is overrated?
Don’t get me wrong, stuffed French toast and mimosas are bomb, but if one more event ends with the Cupid Shuffle and Wobble to “I’ll Always Love My Mama” by the Intruders, I’m going to lose it. Thankfully my mama has never been a fan of the overrated restaurants and event venues that can come with Mother’s Day and admittedly I’m the same. In fact, I’m more a tequila and tacos kind of mom. Don’t be afraid to get creative with your Mother’s Day plans. We are all different and therefore our celebrations shouldn’t nor have to be identical and predictable.
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Respect your right to balance and self-care every day of the damn year.
Whether you’re co-parenting, a single mom or have a support system that extends all the way to your co-workers, motherhood is hard. At the end of the day, regardless of if my daughter has her Dad, her auntie or grandparents to call on she will manage to get in at least 75 cries for, “Mommy!” each day. We all can’t engage in bubble baths every Sunday morning or girls’ getaways a few times a year, but it’s important to reflect on all of the things that allow you to have some peace of mind while parenting. Whether it’s a Granddad who is always available to chaperone class trips or that random friend you have on social media whose always cheering you on and double-tapping even though you’ve never met. A day on the calendar is cool and all, but if it’s the only day you give yourself permission to take a break, you’ll be headed for a breakdown at some point.
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Validate yourself and other mommies in your life all year round.
When I am trying to gossip with my bestie about how much alimony Kevin Hunter is demanding from Wendy Williams, you can bet my toddler isn’t far belting out yet another remix to, “Wheels on The Bus”. My BFF has been mommin’ and multi-tasking for a while now, so she completely gets when every sentence is interrupted by, “Mommy’s on the phone. Inside voice!” Sometimes the, “Girl, it’s cool. Handle your business,” or my husband admitting that my morning routine is flawless does more for validating my effort and energy than a Hallmark card full of quotes and dandelions. It doesn’t have to always be a wordy Facebook dedication, sometimes a small gesture or compliment goes a long way to getting moms through each day.
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Appreciate where you are in your journey.
Whether I was having pregnancy cravings or returning to work after maternity leave, every step of the way there were mothers doing the most with unsolicited advice. While I’m sure it was all given with good intentions, often times it ended up not applying to my situation or just gave me anxiety about what to expect and placed so much pressure on me to get everything right. Mother’s Day is a time to celebrate everyone’s journey without comparison. No one want to be reminded they’re a “newbie” or a “step mom” or feel like they are any less entitled to be revered than anyone else.
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Use your words.
This is what I encourage my four-year-old to do before she starts whining about things she’s frustrated about or needs that aren’t being met. We like to assume that the people we live with or are around every other day somehow magically know what we expect, particularly if they share our DNA. The truth is we are all walking around with our own stresses and to-do lists and it can be easy to miss the mark when it comes to knowing what the moms in our lives want and need. Sometimes the best way to make sure you get what you want is to outright ask for it. Even if your plan is only to sleep in or you need a child-free day watching the ID channel uninterrupted, getting the day you want may require demanding it.
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Change your expectations.
Maybe at the end of the day you want bottomless mimosas and stuffed French toast, but it’s important to make sure that your expectations are your own and not what Hallmark or social media is telling you they should be. Expectations and holidays seem to go hand in hand and all too often we are consumed with what they should look and feel like that we forget to focus on what we truly want them to be. For some us that may only be a trip to Ben and Jerry’s and taking our kids to the playground. Mothers everywhere are all too familiar with adjusting when things don’t go according to plan, but changing your expectations is way different than lowering them and it starts with making sure they reflect what you want in the first place. Mother’s Day is about what makes YOU feel appreciated and celebrated.
Toya Sharee is a sexual health expert who has a passion for helping young women build their self-esteem and make well-informed choices about their sexual health. She also advocates for women’s reproductive rights and blogs about everything #BlackGirlMagic and #BlackBoyJoy. Follow her on Twitter @TheTrueTSharee or visit her blog, Bullets and Blessings.
