Why I’m Thankful To My Ex Emotional Abuser
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I know this is a very sensitive subject, and not one to be taken lightly—at all. But I did once date an emotionally abusive man and, while I know his intention was not to make me smarter, stronger, and more aware of who I am, that’s exactly what he did. So, for that, I am thankful. I seriously hope he gets some help and doesn’t continue on to treat other women the way that he treated me, but, if I can just speak openly and say what’s true of my experience: surviving an emotionally abusive relationship and leaving it was one of the most impactful things that ever happened to me as a person. I understand that it’s common for people to come out of those relationships feeling hopeless and weak, but, through therapy, I was actually able to learn a lot that went on to be very useful in my life. So, here’s why I’m thankful to my emotional abuser.
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I won’t apologize if I did nothing wrong
My abuser was able to convince me that I’d done something wrong—that I’d intentionally hurt him—when I hadn’t. I don’t let anyone make me believe that anymore. I will apologize when I’ve done something wrong, but I won’t let anyone manipulate facts and try to confuse me, in order to make me feel bad and give up a false apology.
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I trust my perception
I won’t allow anyone I date to twist facts around or tell me what my intention was. My ex once told me that I had forgotten to introduce him to a male friend because I wanted to make him jealous. He told me that I hugged my male friend inappropriately and for a very long time. None of it was true, but he had a way of making me question what I remembered. I don’t do that anymore
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There should be a benefit of the doubt
I know now that there should be a general benefit of the doubt given between two people who actually care about each other. My abuser would always assume the worst (like the example with my male friend). But, I now know that, if someone really understands me, they’ll give me the benefit of the doubt, and assume I meant no harm.
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Leaving during an argument is not okay
I have a zero tolerance policy for people who just bounce during an argument. Driving off, turning off one’s phone, and disappearing with no communication for hours or days is not okay. My abuser had me thinking for a while that that was a “normal” reaction to a fight. Now I know it isn’t and I won’t accept it.
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Or just going cold for days—also not okay
Sometimes my ex wouldn’t actually disappear, but he figuratively would since he would barely speak to me or give me affection for days. This is something else that I now have a zero tolerance policy for. Emotionally healthy individuals confront and discuss the issue: they don’t withhold affection until their partner just feels weak and horrible.
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I know critiques should be given with love
My ex would give me criticisms—perhaps about my appearance or my work—that seemed kind of harsh. Perhaps they were right, and in fact that would be his excuse—he’d say, “It’s just the truth”—but something didn’t sit right about the way he said it. That’s because “It’s the truth” isn’t a good excuse to be nasty to someone, and when someone loves you, he gives you critiques with love.
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I should feel safe in a relationship
I’ve learned now that I should feel safe in my relationship. I shouldn’t worry that, at any given moment, a fight could come out of seemingly nowhere, and I would have no chance of seeing it coming.
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I should feel happy in a relationship
I should also wake up feeling happy in a relationship. I should wake up feeling like my relationship energizes me and lifts me up. I shouldn’t wake up wondering what issue I may have to face that day in my relationship.
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I shouldn’t feel self-conscious
I learned that I should not walk on eggshells, watching everything I do and say, hoping to not upset my partner. In the right relationship, with someone who is not emotionally abusive, I should feel free to be myself without fear of repercussions.
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Nor should I fear speaking my needs
I always worried about speaking my needs in my abusive relationship because my partner would always threaten that, “Maybe we just shouldn’t be together then” if I brought up a tiny concern. I now know that that is not okay.
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I know that I’m strong
I learned that I’m strong as hell. I not only walked away from a bad relationship, but I also continued to ignore and block my abuser as he tried for months to get me back (as most abusers do). He tried to get to me through my family, friends, and work. I didn’t budge.
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And being alone is better than being with the wrong person
I stayed with the abuser for a while for the main reason most people stay in bad relationships: I feared that it was better than being alone. I now know that being alone is always better than being in the wrong relationship.
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My partner should want me to feel free
My ex made me feel guilty for having a life outside of him. He made me feel like a bad partner for planning girls’ nights on nights he had nothing to do or for choosing a work event over date night. Now I know a truly healthy and loving partner encourages me to do my own thing.
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Communication should be straightforward
It shouldn’t be passive aggressive. It shouldn’t be some sort of twisted code. Healthy, happy, stable people say what they mean. They don’t leave you guessing. They don’t insinuate things or just let you think the worst.
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I have higher standards
It became so clear to me, after that experience, when I don’t feel happy with someone. I know now that I should feel no less than 100% safe, happy, and at ease in a relationship. I settle for no less now because I know what hell it is if I do.
