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For some people, being happy in a relationship is actually the scariest thing of all. All the singles out there who are looking for happiness, in earnest and with much effort, would call those who find happiness but push it away spoiled and ungrateful. But, we shouldn’t be so quick to judge anyone. If you’ve spent years single and just got used to the searching (but not so much the finding) of “the one,” or you once thought you had someone and lost them in a terrible way (like being left at the altar or cheated on), then you might just feel safest, well, unhappy. It’s not like you’re miserable, per say, but you don’t ever reach that place of total ecstatic joy that someone gets from being in love, and committing to someone they love. You might feel the safest just beneath that level. Here are signs you’re afraid to be happy.
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You let him down, but didn’t have to
You find yourself letting the person you’re dating down, when you really didn’t have to. You might, for example, agree to take on extra work at the office—even though your boss said you didn’t have to—and skipping your boyfriend’s very important event.
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Why you do it
You want to prove that you aren’t reliable and can’t be counted on. Maybe you’re afraid that that’s even true, so rather than set up an unrealistic precedent of showing up, you just purposefully let someone down early.
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You engage in dumb flirtation
You engage in flirtation with other people whom you’re not even interested in. You take texting with a male colleague too far. You engage in some rather suggestive emailing with a male friend. You don’t have an emotional affair, but you get close. Truly, you wouldn’t even date these men if you were single.
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Why you do it
If you’re afraid to be happy, but can’t find anything wrong with the person you’re dating, it’s easiest to just do something wrong. You are trying to give the person an excuse to hate you and leave you.
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You look for problems
You seem to look for problems where there are none. You analyze something that really doesn’t need analyzing. You insert meaning into incidents that didn’t mean anything. Your friends note that you always seem to be complaining about your relationship, which really seems to be just fine.
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Why you do it
Your brain is used to finding problems. Looking for and finding problems is what got you out of so many bad relationships in the past. It’s hard to just turn that part of your brain off.
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You say it’s too fast (but don’t feel that way)
Your partner invites you to meet his family or go on a trip together, and you say things are moving too fast. You don’t feel that way—actually—at all. In fact, you know it’s just the right time to do all of those things. You’d even enjoy doing those things.
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Why you do it
This is a way of pushing the person away. Even though you are on the same page, in your gut, about timing, you want to give your partner the illusion you aren’t on the same page. You hope that upsets him, makes him doubt the whole relationship, and makes him just leave you.
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You get drunk and miss the event
When you know you need to be at your partner’s office party, parent’s anniversary dinner, or even birthday party, you say yes to one more drink at the bar. Then three more drinks. You get wasted and miss your partner’s important event entirely.
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Why you do it
Being drunk gives you an “excuse” to have lost track of time. But the reality is that you made the conscious decision to put yourself in a state of mind to lose track of time. You want your partner to think you just won’t be there for him when he needs you.
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You withhold personal information
You find yourself withholding personal information. It’s not even that big of a deal. It’s not really embarrassing or that private. But you have some pride around keeping secrets, for the sake of keeping secrets.
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Why you do it
You know, deep down, your partner will A) discover the secret and B) realize you withheld it from him. Then he’ll feel like you don’t want to be emotionally close, and question the validity of the relationship—and whether he can even trust you.
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You don’t lean on a partner for support
When you’re hurt or upset about something outside the relationship, you don’t turn to your partner for support. In fact, you tell him that you had a perfectly good day when you had a bad day.
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Why you do it
You don’t want to get accustomed to having someone there for you. You’ve had to be there for yourself for a very long time and you’ve been fine that way. If you get used to leaning on someone, what happens if they go away?
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You suggest an open relationship
Even as you say the words, you’re wondering, “Why am I saying this?!” but you say, “You can totally date other people if you want to.” He doesn’t want to. You don’t want to. But you insist that you both should.
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Why you do it
Again you’re trying to make it seem like you’re just not on the same page about the relationship. Maybe the idea of this guy dating someone else would really hurt you, actually, but you’re afraid to admit that so you counter act it by suggesting an open relationship.
