Why Casual Dating Wasn’t For Me

October 4, 2018  |  
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casual dating

Gettyimages.com/Happy African American couple communicating while having a meal in dining room.

I don’t like casual dating. I tried it for a while and it didn’t really take with me. To me, there is nothing casual about sex, intimacy, and sharing yourself with another person. I also felt like…what’s the point? So I have several people to have lunch and go to the movies with, who I don’t know that well, but we get to have sex after? I mean, I’d much rather go to lunch with my long-time friends who I have a lot to talk about with, and use my vibrator at the end of the day. What is a “casual” relationship? It’s not quite a relationship but it’s not quite a friendship. If you ask me, it’s the worst of both worlds. I’m someone who likes to be all in and if I can’t be, I’m all out. For the record, I have been fine with being alone. I was single for a long time. If you struggle to be alone, I think you should learn to do that rather than fill the void with casual dating. That’s just my opinion. Here is why I hated casual dating.


I wear my heart on my sleeve

If I like someone, I say it. If someone does something I find endearing, lovable, adorable, or sexy, I say it. I don’t like to filter myself. If I want to compliment someone or tell them how I’m feeling, that’s what I want to do—even if it “is too early” for something like that.


I’m deeply empathetic

If someone tells me they’re going through something difficult, or have gone through something difficult, I want to help. I ask more questions. I want to be there for them. But that is apparently “too much” for a casual relationship. I’m supposed to just pretend I don’t know this person is struggling with something.


I’m an open book

I’ll tell you whatever you want to know about me, from the craziest of dirty laundry about my family to my most shameful moments and mistakes. That is, however, apparently too much information to share in casual relationships. But I can’t pick and choose what comes out.


I like to help

I like to think of ways I can help people. I think of other people I should introduce them to, I send them articles they would find helpful…these are not things you’re supposed to do in casual dating. Even if you really think you could do something helpful for the person.


I don’t like pacing out emotions

I can’t pace out my emotions. I don’t know if that makes me strange or just…a person. I feel completely, and I don’t ignore my feelings. Those are two traits that aren’t great for casual relationships.


Or pacing out hangouts

I also don’t want to abide by some strange rules about when you’re “supposed” to hang out, and when you’re supposed to wait. If I want to see someone, I just want to ask to see them—I don’t want to force myself to wait.


The more I know, the more I want to know

If I’m interested in someone, I want more information. I naturally ask questions. Maybe those questions are considered prying or going too deep. Well, that’s just how I converse.


I can’t compartmentalize

I can’t just put someone in a box, and tell myself when I’m allowed to or not allowed to open that box. If someone is on my mind, it comes out in all areas of my life. I can’t limit or edit that.


It felt mildly sociopathic

Casual dating feels mildly sociopathic to me. So I’m on one date with someone, telling them about myself, getting them to like me, and then doing that with someone totally different the next day? Feels like a skill a sociopath would be good at.


Sex is emotional for me

There is nothing casual about sex to me. Sex is emotional. I mean, the person is inside of you. When I have sex with someone I tend to feel more bonded to him, but apparently, you can’t do that in casual relationships.


I’m human so I’m jealous

Humans evolved to be jealous. It’s in our DNA. I don’t really know how people can casually date because, honestly, I’d be too jealous at the thought of the person I’m seeing, seeing someone else. And I’d want someone to be jealous if I was seeing other people.


I hate lying

I don’t like to lie to people. I don’t like pretending that I’m not seeing other people. But it feels shameful to say I am so, I’d have to lie to casually date.


I hate saying I’m seeing other people

If I’m honest, and say I’m seeing other people, that feels…bad. It feels like I’m telling the person in front of me that he is not enough.


I hold people accountable

If someone takes three days to call me back or just goes MIA for weeks, I say something about it. Sorry.


I’m straightforward

When someone lets me down, I tell him. But in casual relationships, the other person isn’t meant to “owe you” anything and you’re not supposed to have expectations.

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