How married life is different, and the same, according to newlyweds

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I know it’s cliché and perhaps obnoxious, but I can’t help but ask my friends, right after they’ve tied the knot, “So, how’s married life?” To the naked eye, it obviously isn’t much different. I’m part of a generation of couples who might date, cohabitate, and even have children together years before getting married. In many ways, my married friends were already so deeply enmeshed in one another’s lives before tying the knot that, getting married was really just paperwork. But it is still a big deal, so I always ask them if anything has change, or if anything has stayed the same. I’ve noticed a few answers that seem to be consistent across most couples that I ask. It would be strange if marriage didn’t change one thing, right? But if it changes a lot then, maybe the couple wasn’t ready for marriage. Here is how married life is different, and the same, according to newlyweds.

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Sex feels very official

For the first few months after the wedding, sex has this…weight on it. It’s very official. That sex is government sanctioned! And, could it be sex with a purpose now? Like…reproduction? The seriousness of it fades away eventually though.

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Getting out of it would be harder

Every married couple has that moment when they recognize that, if they wanted to end this relationship now, it would be much harder than it would have been when they were just dating. Sure, before they had an apartment and pet custody to split. But now, there would be court documents and lawyers.

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Most already lived together

Many couples today live together before getting married. So as far as those “surprises” you find from living with someone—they already discovered those years before getting married.

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Strangers see them as more legitimate

My newlywed friends notice that strangers seem to think their relationship is more legitimate now that they’re married. “I need to get in there—my husband is in there” carries a lot more water than, “My boyfriend is in there.”

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Some friends presume you’re busier

Some friends, for whatever reason, presume that once a couple gets married, that they aren’t as available or willing to socialize with single people. It isn’t true but, for some reason, people can think it.

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Your parents treat him like family

While many of my friends were already close with their significant other’s families before getting married, tying the knot made them even closer. They felt their in-laws really begin to view them as family.

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Money must be discussed in-depth

Deciding to get married forces a couple to have a discussion they never had before: do they get a prenup? And if so, that sparks many other, difficult conversations. If one person makes significantly more than the other, while they hope to never get a divorce, they also wouldn’t want to see half of their hard-earned money go to someone else who did not work for that money.

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You watch the other’s spending more

Once married, couples can’t help but keep a closer eye on one another’s spending. Each purchase affects the couple’s finances, as a whole. It’s no longer just funny when one person blows a bunch of money on something useless.

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You see each other as family

No matter how close a pair was before getting married, most say that they see their partner differently—like family—after getting married. Through illness or hardship, this person has to have their back.

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There may be a panic moment

It’s normal for most newlyweds to have that panicked moment—that moment of, “There is really no backing out now.” It’s this strange, post-wedding cold feet thing.

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Married couples invite you out more

There can be some married couples out there who prefer to spend their time with other married couples, not wanting to invest in couples friends until they believe the relationship is “legitimate.”

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Some couples open up sexually

Once couples realize they may never sleep with another person again, they can become more sexually open. Many say that they start communicating more about things they want in the bedroom, and trying out certain fantasies.

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More family obligations

You’re more obligated to your partner’s family once you’re married. Let’s put it this way: it looks bad if the wife isn’t at the family reunion—if the girlfriend isn’t there, it’s not that big of a deal.

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Your decisions are tied together

Do you know of many long-distance married couples? Me neither. Because when you’re married, you just stick together. That means that your partner’s decisions affect you deeply, and yours him.