All Articles Tagged "open relationships"
‘That Had Nothing To Do With My Husband:’ Comedienne Mo’Nique Says It Was Her Idea To Enter Into An Open Marriage
Popular actress and comedienne Mo’Nique is back after a three-year hiatus and looking more fabulous than ever! She’s says she’s out on the road doing shows at various comedy clubs and wants fans to know just how thankful she is for their support. While in New York, the 45-year-old knockout stopped by Hot 97′s Cipha Sounds & Rosenberg Show where she candidly discussed her motives behind entering into an open marriage and why she experienced a change of heart. Check out some of what she had to say below.
On revealing that she and her husband were in an open marriage years ago:
“Let me define this really quick. See, that happened nothing to do with my husband. When I did that interview, I didn’t realize the king that I had. I was just being old Mo’Nique. Listen, the road is what it is. It goes for men and women. I felt like well this is just how it is. People automatically went to my husband. It had nothing to do with that. It actually backfired. I thought I was saying to women you can enjoy your cake and eat it too. It backfired. Now that I understand what I have, baby listen, there’s not another man on the face of this earth that can compare to mine. In my humble opinion. That’s just for me. When you really take the energy and pay attention to your relationship….and love him in a way that your mama didn’t teach you how to love a man, don’t neither one of y’all wanna go nowhere. Sisters listen, treat ‘em like a King if you wanna be treated like a Queen–it works.”
“My mama didn’t teach me how to love a man or treat a man, but my grandmother didn’t teach my mother’s brothers on how treat a woman. It goes both ways.”
On how she now defines an open relationship:
“We are open and we’re open because we’re honest. When I said an open relationship people automatically thought sex, sex, sex. An open relationship means to us, there are no secrets.There’s nothing that my husband doesn’t know about me and there nothing I don’t know about him. Some people are laying with strangers. When it’s open, y’all so honest. Sisters if you got a good one baby honor him. It’s nothing wrong with being submissive. It’s nothing wrong with loving him, all of it. We treat each other good right now in life, the best we can and then that way when you’re loving good, everything around you is good.”
Turn the page to watch Mo’Nique chat it up about the demise of the Mo’Nique Show, why she loves Charles Ramsey and her amazing weight loss.
You may remember, a year ago, I wrote about being the girlfriend to a man in an open marriage. Well, it’s a little over a year later of being in a relationship with an open married man. It’s funny, because I looked at the two previous articles I wrote about this relationship, and I was almost embarrassed by how blinded I was; how in love I was. I dived in head first into a man and a lifestyle I knew nothing about. Did I drown? No. But I do feel as if I was doing the dead man’s float for a while.
This year taught me so much. I learned that open relating, first and foremost, does not mean multiple partners. It means honest relating. So, while I may use open and “multiple” simultaneously in this article, honesty is the priority. I am a stronger, more aware person than I was before entering into this relationship. I have grown into a woman who knows what I need in a relationship and who knows what I can’t handle in a relationship. I grew into a more honest person in regards to my feelings. I learned how to open up and express myself freely. I know that his purpose in my life was for my personal growth and for that, I am thankful. But while, I am thankful for the growth and self-discovery, all the other sh!t is not what I want nor is it what I will accept anymore. Not in this situation at least. A messed up person will be a messed up person—whether in an open, poly, or monogamous relationship. Nothing will change.
With all that being said, I am leaving the open relationship. I love him, but I do not like a large part of the person I grew to know. I tried to accept and understand a lot, but there was always something. There was always someone. I knew he was in an open marriage and dating three women when we started. I didn’t realize there was going to be an open door clause in the relationship. There was always a new story of a woman he told he loved just so he could get her in bed; a new story of a woman flipping out on him in the midst of an online class he teaches for his organization or on his Facebook page; a broken promise brought on with more women. Stories of pregnancies, clients as lovers, it was continuous. It was stressful. It was tiring. It was not the fact he was open that was my problem. It was the fact he was demonstrating Slore-ish behaviors and not open and honest behaviors. It was ego driven and not heart driven. As soon as my heart would get right with US, something would take place to tell my spirit it was wrong. It would never be US. Because of who he was seen as, who he wanted to be, there would always be people involved in our relationship. There would always be gossip. There would always be stories I didn’t want to hear or he didn’t want me to hear. It would always be EVERYONE.
By Nicole Thompson
Sometimes, we want to have our cake and eat it, too. Lust assures us of this. It’s most evident when we hear celebrities, such as Mo’Nique, Brangelina, and rumors about Demi & Ashton and Will & Jada discussing their open relationships, partner swapping, breaks…or any pardons which allows a person or their significant other to see other people, in regards to dating or sex. For some, this arrangement can work; couples are able to detach sentimentality from affairs, and allow their boyfriends and girlfriends…or in some cases, husbands and wives, to roam free like pasturing cows.
For others, the notion is nothing short of ridiculous. Clinging to the idea of monogamy, most men and women don’t want to see their significant others hooking up with random co-eds. The reality of many relationships, especially long term pairings, is that infidelity will occur. It’s up to the couples, however, to decide if the lapse in judgment will break them or simply test the strains of their bond. All things considered, if you are contemplating adopting this relationship style, there are a few things to be considered, including whether or not your relationship possesses the necessary amount of trust to have a successful non-monogamous relationship.
Generally, the reason why most couples take “breaks” is so they can take time for personal reflection and growth. That time apart is intended to help them better gauge the current state of their relationship. Unfortunately, when some people suggest breaks, what they really mean is that they want a free pass to go hook up without having to carry around all that pesky “I’ve cheated” baggage. Breaks aren’t like the other topics being that there isn’t an understanding put into place, granting permission to frolic about with someone else, but it does open the door to the possibility. If you and your partner routinely take breaks, with the intention of cheating, then perhaps you two should come to an understanding or break things off indefinitely, especially if you were still hoping to be exclusive and your partner has not been.
For couples who’ve been together for a while, they understand that that the “open” aspect of the relationship refers to being open-minded to the choices that their partner makes, with the hope that their partner will do the same. Some couples don’t intend for their partners to stray but find boundaries limiting and detrimental to their partnership. In order to maintain trust, some like to put a few restraints in place, such as regulating who their partner can sleep with, or even instituting a policy where the couple has to meet their significant other’s lover prior to the tryst. The situations where “open door” relationships are the most successful are the ones in which couples are honest, but don’t dwell in the facts. The devil is in the details, meaning that no one really wants full disclosure. At the end of the day, people simply want to know that their partners are satisfied and that they are still loved, which can be difficult to believe when your partner is giving you a blow-by-blow about his most recent BJ.
There are several ways to know if an “open” lifestyle isn’t right for you. Mainly, if you’re the jealous type –easily roused by suspicion, or overtly aggressive. Before taking that final step toward an open relationship, consider doing role playing exercises, such as “strangers at the bar” or “boss and secretary.” Also, try the observation game, point out people you would sleep with to one another, and mentally take that person home with you that evening.
Tip: If you have issues with communicating your interactions, perhaps you and your partner can keep a shared journal about your experiences.
More on Madame Noire!
- Party of One Please: Things I’ve Learned To Enjoy By Myself
- MN Exclusive: Warryn & Erica Campbell On How They Met, Their Family and Managing To Work Together
- You Are Not The Father! The Most Memorably Ratchet Moments From The Maury Povich Show
- Drop The Flat Iron Like It’s Hot: Summer Hairstyles To Help You Beat the Heat
- And They Say Only Black Women are Bitter? Why Bitter Black Men Need To Have a Seat…Several
- Stop Arguing About Dumb Stuff! How I Learned To Keep The Peace In My Relationship
- Old Habits Die Hard: Learning Not To Dim My Light So Others Can Feel Like They’re Shining
Trey Songz isn’t looking for love right now, but he hopes to find it one day. And when he does he says him and his girl are going to do everything together—possibly even swing. Here’s what he had to say about being in an open relationship in a recent interview.
“When I settle down and meet that one I don’t even think that’s a conversation I could really have about what her and our understanding would be. That’s based on who she is and what she’s with. We’re about to do everything together baby. We’re gonna talk about it, if that’s something she’s open to then I might be open to it. If she’s not then we’re not doing it. It’s all about who you fall in love with.”
Check out the rest of the interview on The Singers Room.
What do you think about open relationships? Would you swing for Trey Songz?
Brande Victorian is a blogger and culture writer in New York City. Follower her on Twitter at @be_vic.
More on Madame Noire!
- Differences That Are Worth Overcoming, And Those Worth Being Stubborn About
- Well You Don’t Say: 10 White Singers We Once Thought Were Black
- Breaking It Down: What Men Think of Things Women Do
- The Questions He Hopes You Never Ask
- Best New Books by African American Authors
- 9 Inconvenient Truths About Men and Cheating
- Hot Business Looks on a Tiny Budget Through Thrifting!
Dear Very Smart Brotha,
I’m dating a man that is wonderful, he’s romantic, thoughtful, respectful etc. He also has very strong values/morals regarding marriage and doesn’t believe in divorce. Well, I have known that about him since I first met him and it’s one of the things I love most, but come to find out not long before him and I got together he was having an affair with a married woman. It’s hypocritical for him to live his life claiming he believes marriage is sacred yet he was sleeping with a married woman. From a male perspective how do you view other men that sleep with married women? He holds marriage values very strongly and always gets upset when he hears of other people that don’t take marriage seriously yet here he was doing the same thing. He’s had these values for as long as I’ve known him, so he knowingly slept with a married woman in spite of his morals and values. This makes me question his integrity all together and wonder what it would take for him to go against his values when it comes to his own marriage when he was so easily convinced to go against them with another person’s marriage. Also, is this a behavior that can just be overlooked? It’s very hard for me to understand justifying sleeping with a married person no matter what the circumstance.
Mating With a (possible) Moral Midget
A few weeks ago I wrote Open Relationships: Is It The Way to Go? And the article created much buzz and discussion. People asked me whether I advocated open relationships. And my response was this: “Whether I advocate them or not is irrelevant. But what I do advocate is knowledge and healthy relationships based on a foundation of honest communication.”
We live in a society where greater than 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, and a great proportion of those are due to cheating. A recent report published in the Journal of Sex Research, claimed almost a third of partners who said they were monogamous had in fact slept with someone outside of the relationship. And some behavioral scientists claim that monogamy is indeed unnatural. Some would argue that it appears monogamy isn’t working for people. And if it truly isn’t, many debate whether open relationships are the way to go.
An open relationship is one in which a couple agree to be together, but also agree to have romantic or sexual relationships with additional people. There are no set rules when it comes to open relationships. It’s basically up to the couple to determine the boundaries of acceptable behavior.
Many have opposed the idea of open relationships, and condemned people that practice them, claiming that the lifestyle is simply for the “selfish” and “immature.” And many people in open relationships assert that they have a better grasp on love and reality, unlike their monogamous counterparts that secretly cheat, deceive, and pretend to be monogamous. For an unmarried individual like myself, I wonder if those really are the only two choices: 1. Be in a monogamous relationship where someone secretly strays from time to time or 2. Be in an open relationship.
The topic of open relationships is definitely a hot button issue for people- especially those that have been cheated on. And while monogamous relationships aren’t convention, there are many couples that have had successful open relationships. For example, iconic couple Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis admitted to having an open marriage. And when asked to explain their rationale for that type of relationship, the late Ossie replied: “It occurred to us, from observation and reasoning, that extramarital sex was not what really destroyed marriages, but rather the lies and deception that invariably accompanied it — that was the culprit. So we decided to give ourselves permission to sleep with other partners if we wished — as long as what we did was honest as well as private, and that neither of us exposed the family to scandal or disease.”
But it didn’t just end there. Interestingly enough, Ossie also went on to say this: “Looking back, I’d say no matter what did or did not happen, we freed each other. And in doing that, we also freed ourselves…Sex is fine, but love is better. That’s the most important part of being free. In light of what we learned, is extramarital sex something we recommend as a regular part of marriage? Not now…not anymore. Not since AIDS has entered the equation, and genital herpes, syphilis, and other diseases.”
It sounds like a lot of us could learn from Ossie and Ruby. And after reading what they had to say about love and marriage, I’ll say this: If I ever get married, my goal is to have the type of relationship that Ruby and Ossie shared- an honest, happy, and healthy one. I’m a romantic, but I’m also a realist. I don’t believe that people who expect monogamy are unrealistic; and I don’t believe that people who desire multiple lovers are selfish. No matter the type of relationship that you choose, whether your relationship is successful all boils down to how honest you choose to be with yourself and your partner. There are pros and cons to both types of relationships, monogamous or open.
Can open relationships work? Yes. Is monogamy too much to ask? No. I have my own opinions about relationships- some of them conventional, others not so conventional. And for those that simply argue that open relationships are better because monogamy doesn’t come naturally, I will say this: Even if monogamy doesn’t come naturally to our species, this doesn’t mean that honesty doesn’t as well. Monogamy may not be a choice- but honesty is. And regardless of what type of relationship you ultimately choose, each will take a foundation of mutual respect and open communication. If you don’t have that, any relationship will fail.
What are your thoughts on open relationships? Why do you think people cheat instead of being honest with their partner?
Dr. Phoenyx Austin is a physician, writer, & media personality. Known for writing on health related issues as well as witty, straightforward commentary on life, love, and culture, Dr. Austin is also working on her first fiction book- a psychological thriller. If you want to know more about Dr. Phoenyx Austin and her future projects- check her out on Facebook!